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New Author: The Unleaver

teadude

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The Unleaver
Written By Jack Moore

Matthew’s Dad and Mum split up over five years ago, then only three years ago Matthew’s Dad mysteriously died, when it happened Matthew was only ten years old. When the police inspected the body they found no sign of burns, bullets, strangle marks, cuts or even any damage on his body at all.
Today they went to the restrant the emerald eye.
They waited for their meal to come after one hour, and waited, and waited, and waited.
“I have had enough of this, I cannot wait any longer, lets go somewhere else. How about McDonalds?” said Mum looking angry, so they left to go to McDonalds. Matthew couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t get their meal, and by the looks of all the people leaving, neither did they.
“Thank you mum, that was really tasty” said Matthew, rubbing his tummy with fullness.
“No problem dear, its a shame we didn’t get served at the Emerald Eye though isn’t it?” replied mum frowning.
“We better be going then mum” said Matthew looking at his watch. So they set off to their home in Caldari.
Matthew lay awake in bed for a while looking up at the top of his four poster bed. He couldn’t stop thinking why they and no one else got served, could something have happened to the staff, maybe it closed and no one told them? Matthew eventually got to sleep.
Next morning, he got up to go down to breakfast and he saw his mum looking at the newspaper in shock. The headline said ‘Odd Happenings Down At The Emerald Eye: Yesterday at 11:57pm down at the Emerald Eye all of the cooks, the waitresses and the waiters and the owner were found lying dead with the meals still cooking, we went to interview some of the customers: ‘We had good service, we told them what we wanted and then they walked off to get it. Then we waited for about twenty minutes and we thought it would come soon, but it never did so we left’ . We will give further information when we have investigated more.’
“How could this happen? We were right in there, those poor people” whispered mom slowly putting down the newspaper. Matthew was speechless, he just couldn’t think of anything to say. He knew something was wrong but why on earth did someone kill them and and how could they kill all of those people without anyone noticing? Maybe its not someone, it could be something, just the thought of that made Matthew shudder.

Matthew was really glad about something, his mom has finally found a boyfriend. Matthew doesn’t say this out loud, but he really hopes they get married and we can have one big happy family again. They were going out for a meal tonight.
“See you later Matthew, don’t go anywhere” shouted mom up the stairs.
“See you mom” shouted Matthew back. He heard the car driving down the road, Matthew decided to go on his computer for a few hours then go to bed.
After two hours Matthew closed his game and turned off his computer and was just about to go to bed when he heard a strange hissing noise downstairs. Matthew’s heart leaped, there is something down there! Matthew’s heart beating twice his normal rate, he started to slowly walk down the stairs towards the hissing noise. There was nothing there, nothing at all, but the hissing was still there and now he also heard breathing. Matthew’s heart was beating faster and faster and before he knew it he was running franticly around spinning, looking for the source of the noise. The sound was getting closer and closer, then suddenly he turned round.
Matthew screamed.
He screamed louder then he had ever done in his life, there was something there, but there was no body, but he just knew something was there. Suddenly the whole room went cold and darker and darker, Matthew tried to run but he was getting weaker, suddenly he fell to the ground.

“Master, I have the boy you wanted” shouted a cold voice faintly. Matthew looked up, he was very weak but he saw that they were in some sort of barely lit room, there were odd symbols carved into the walls. Suddenly a chilling horrible voice that made Matthew feel like this is the end inside spoke from no where:
“Wéfénánéách, Búlnák úf cántáríó lásón bíúóg gé yíntón!” Then the the man who was near Matthew spoke:
“Bélíól”
Then some of the symbols on the walls lit up and disappeared with the wall. Two horrible looking creatures stood there, half wolf and half man.
“Boy you don’t know why you’re here do you?” growled one of the creatures, “Our master is planning to take over everything, not just Earth, but every planet in the Universe. The humans here will not be killed, oh no. They will be tortured for ever, so its like they will be being constantly killed a painful death, so painful you wouldn’t want to live again. First of all they get tortured into madness, then into the stage where you would do anything to get free of the torture”
“Who are you and why did you pick me?” shouted Matthew trembling.
“We are the Wekeise, our masters most faithful servants. We picked you because we wanted all your Family to join in for the Torture. Yes that’s right, this is where you Dad came and still is. This is where all the waiters and waitresses are from the Emerald Eye. Because that’s where we tried to get you and your dear old Mother, but we were seen by the staff, so we had to put those in torture instead and after that we didn’t have time to get you. Time to go Matthew and don’t worry, we will still get you. Our master wants to wait so we put a curse on you so we will always know where you are!” Growled the other Wekeise pointing.

Once again everything went cold and dark and Matthew was going once again very weak, he couldn’t move anywhere, powerless...
“Matthew, Matthew” whispered mum into his ear. “Are you okay Matthew? You look very tired and why are you lying on the dining room floor?”
Matthew got up, he was still very weak and looked around. Everything was the same. He had to tell mum what happened, so he told her nearly everything. But as he guessed, she didn’t believe him.
“Matthew, it was just a silly nightmare, you should know things like that by now, anyway your awake now so what do you want for breakfast?” said mum smiling, walking into the kitchen.
“Nothing thanks mum, I don’t feel that well actually, I think I might just go outside and stretch my legs a bit” said Matthew weakly putting on his shoes. But he had no intention of stretching his legs, he had to find someone that believed him and he knew who would, his best friend Daniel.
He arrived at Daniels house after a short walk, he only lived down the road. He knocked on the door and Daniel came out to go for a walk with him so they could talk. Matthew told him everything once again and thankfully Daniel actually believed him.
“This is terrible" whispered Daniel looking scared.
“Yep, but worst of all they are looking for me first” trembled Matthew, almost crying with fear.
Fear and Bravery are different things, he may be scared of it, but he would go without crying if they caught him. He may try to put up a fight, but that shows he’s brave doesn’t it?
“Its getting a bit chilly here on the mountain isn’t it, and its a sunny day!” laughed Daniel looking up at the sky. Matthew remembered this feeling from before.
“Daniel, RUN!” Shouted Matthew already running down the mountain. It was getting harder to run and it was getting dark again, but he could still just about move, he looked at Daniel in front of him, he was a faster runner than Matthew.
Once again there was no body, but you get a feeling that you know something is actually there.
“Réfálán! Réfálán!” Growled about five voices not far behind them, in the same chilling sound he heard in the room. Then all the darkness went, and the cold. Daniel and Matthew were both on the ground.
“Quick lets run down before they come again” shouted Matthew. They started running down when Matthew burst out in screaming, he felt it was the worst pain ever.
He screamed and screamed and screamed. He wanted it to go, he would rather die than this. It was so painful no one in the world could explain it. Matthew fell to the ground...

Matthew woke up and looked around, the pain was making it hard to breath. He was in some sort of chamber, it was quite a big room with dimly lit torches round the outside. All around Matthew were people, it was the worst sight he had ever seen, they were all being tortured and by the look of things most of them the pain had driven them into madness. Matthew knew if this pain kept up, that would happen to him as well.
“Well, well, well. Its Matthew, what a nice surprise, shame you will never get to see me, you will be completely insane by then” said a distant cold voice getting further away. It was getting very hard to keep consciousness. So hard.
“You see the thing is, when I am around no one can win. All thanks to my great invention, the Crux Curse, it destroys the body with pain beyond imagination but without killing it and it destroys the mind making you go mad!” shouted the same chilling voice. Matthew could barely hear it now, so faint...
Suddenly he just about saw something not right. One of the Wekiese was heading towards, which Matthew supposed, was the General. The Wekiese swiped him in the back with his golden axe, and pointed it at Matthew, who suddenly started spinning, the pain went. Just before he was gone he saw the General swipe the Wekiese’ head off...
Matthew looked up, he was back on the mountain, there were police there and his Family and an ambulance. Matthew wasn’t thinking right or seeing properly.
“MATTHEW! You are okay, this is brilliant, these scientists told me what happened. They did an investigation and we thought you were going to be gone forever!” shouted mom, Matthew couldn’t seem to understand. One of the doctors came over to him, one of them nodded and mum burst out crying, so did many others of his family. Everyone was looking down at him. This was the end, he was mad...
 
I'm going to have to ban this users account becausae he has admitted in a forum post that he is only 12 years old. Since this is a PG13 forum no person under the age of 13 or above may join.

2.7 To compy with the Children's Online Privacy Protection Act of 1998, The Book Forum does not allow members who are younger than 13yrs to signup for site membership.

However, he says he is going to be 13 in March and will be back :)

He has asked that this thread stays and he would like to read what views people have on the story. Please keep in mind the age of the writer when responding :)
 
Teadude (Jack):

Nice job dude. Keep writing, and pay attention in school. Stay in school too. :D

A cool bit of advice I've heard many times is: A great writer reads way, way more than he/she writes.

Read a lot. Pay attention to how things are written. Dialog is difficult to write so that it flows easily.

You've got a great imagination going there. You've just got to learn how to express it a bit better.

Considering you're twelve, my guess would be that in a few more years you'll be quite good at writing if you keep it up.

This is a great start. Don't give up. Keep writing.
Read. Read. Read. Then read some more.

Your story could use some spit and polish, but overall you've probably done better than most kids your age could do. Hell, you've probably done better than many adults can do too. :D

It'll be cool if you come back when you're old enough and post some more. We could watch your growth as a writer like some people watch sports.

Nice job.
 
Motokid said:
T
A cool bit of advice I've heard many times is: A great writer reads way, way more than he/she writes.

This is a great start. Don't give up. Keep writing.
Read. Read. Read. Then read some more.

Yes. And then: read some more.
 
Take creative writing classes in school if you have that opportunity. I never did. I wish I did. Read books on writing, such as On Writing, by Stephen King, and Lessons From a Lifetime of Writing, by David Morrell; there are many others, but these will set you on the right path. Follow Moto's advice and read everything you can get your hands on: good and bad. Read old stuff, new stuff, experimental stuff, etc. Read good writers. Read bad writers. Read Dan Brown to learn how 'not to write'. Read magazines like The Writer, and Writer's Digest. Good luck. We'll be waiting for you.
 
Thanks

Thanks for all your support and tips, I will follow them :) I am currently writing many more storys, like the sequel to the unleaver, and below you can see the names of them and when they are coming out:

Name: Stop The Bullet - Age: 10+ - Date: April 2006 [Approx]

Name: Forever Running - Age: 8+ - Date: May 2006 [Approx]

Name: The Unleaver 2 - Age: 12+ - Date: July 2006 [Approx]

Hopefully you can all tell me the mistakes and add tips for when I release those books, that will help me a lot. Thanks :)
 
I'm not trying to put you down, but this was riddled with grammatical errors. I found the dialogue to be unbelievable--how many thirteen-year-old boys thank their mothers for food? The characters need more depth to them. You need to develop individual personalities in order for the reader to identify.
And in the foreign language that was being spoken, all the accent marks annoyed me a bit. They aren't used in English often, but in most languages, an accent mark means you are stressing the syllable it is over. The accents on every vowel in every sylllable made it hard to read and get a feel of how the language would sound.
You're only thirteen, so you have a long time to correct errors in your work. Every novelist has weaknesses. We only get better by learning what they are and trying to change them. If you're planning on writing, I would reccomend you subscribe to a writer's magazine like Writer's Digest. As someone above mentioned, it is very important to read books by more experienced authors to help you write more effectively. I use David Gerrold's Worlds of Wonder more than I had ever imagined. It is most specifically for sci-fi/fantasy authors. If you need to do research, which you probably will, one of my favorite websites is wikipedia.org. They have articles on everything you can possibly imagine.
I hope you found my criticism helpful.
Kat
 
Teadude! Have you been reading the four word story you started? After getting off to a rough start it turned out to be pretty darned good.

Happy birthday. :D
 
Oh, I forgot to wish you happy birthday, too. It was in March, right? Oh, well, happy birthday! My kitten and I send our love! =^-^= <-kitty smiley
 
Thanks Again

Just like to say thanks again for your helpful criticism, I will try to follow it, I am just finishing off my newest story; Stop The Bullet :)

Also thanks for saying Happy Birthday :)
 
I have been reading loads of books recently. About 60 differant ones in around about 2 months (I read a lot :) ). So hopefully this will help me to be a better writer.

Just also want to say thank you for your advice, which has helped me a lot with my books. Also thanks to everyone who has/is taking part in The Four Word Story, you have attracted many visitors :)

P.s. Have you checked my newest 'Magical' story? *Coughs* (Get the hint?) :D
 
Originally posted by ValkyrieRaven88
I found the dialogue to be unbelievable--how many thirteen-year-old boys thank their mothers for food?

Used in the right context this is a good part of characterization. The boy could be from a polite and proper upbringing and actually respects his mum, which I have seen a lack of in the kids of America, or if the boy is not usually polite this could be a clue that something is amiss. You are right however, characters should behave realistically, but this realism varies depending on the characters environment, upbringing, social status, ethnicity and numerous other traits. Teadude has quite a few years to learn as you have stated and is headed in the right direction!

Keep up the good work Teadude!
 
StillILearn said:
Teadude! Have you been reading the four word story you started? After getting off to a rough start it turned out to be pretty darned good.

Happy birthday. :D

Yes Teadude, look what you've started! I don't know if it's the longest thread in the history ot TBF but it's certainly the one with the most posts at the moment. Great fun :D
 
Teadude - I have minimised and rearranged your signature slightly. We do ask that signatures are kept to a few lines.

Hope this is ok :)
 
Ice said:
Teadude - I have minimised and rearranged your signature slightly. We do ask that signatures are kept to a few lines.

Hope this is ok :)

Sure :)

It even looks better now :)
 
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