new poem

[wickychick1991]

hey here is another poem i wrote for school. let me know what u think of it.


the old tattered flag is at rest
a white fluffy cloud is its pillow
as it sleeps on a cold metal pole
a gentle breeze wafts in
and awakens the red white and blue flag
causing it to wave and flutter
like a butterfly preparing to take flight
but the breeze soon fades away
leaving the sky silent and still
and the worn flag
with bright white stars
is at rest again
and soon is asleep once more

 

[GreenKnight]

I rather like that. It seems loaded somehow with subtle symbolism. Flags of course always potently symbolic, the US flag even more so.

It's not heavy-handed, rather more suggestive. And it's not critical, simply dry and arch in its observation. The idea of the flag 'preparing to take flight' but never managing it is particularly good; as is the contrast in the flag's sleeping arrangements: a white fluffy cloud but a cold metal pole. A stark contrast between the idealist American dream and the cold harsh reality?

Great stuff.

 

[wickychick1991]

Thanks for the reply!

I actually didn't write it to mean something, but I'm glad you thought it did. For my English class we had to write poems. There was a list of groups of four words and we had to make a poem out of them. I believe the words I had to use for this one were, flag, breeze, awaken, and asleep.

Thanks again for the reply!

 

[Fieldy]

I liked it ... it gave a vision of a flag that is quite harsh since it never really does anything and even the idealism it brings never really shows

as it sleeps on a cold metal pole
a gentle breeze wafts in
and awakens the red white and blue flag
causing it to wave and flutter

Although I thought that these lines, although good and make vivid imagary, could be an inch more poetic. I think the tempo of the poem slows down a notch here.

All in all, very well done

 

[wickychick1991]

I revised the poem a bit, so let me know what you think. And please help me think of a title!!

The Flag

An old tattered flag is at rest.
A white feathery cloud is its pillow,
As it sleeps on a frosty metal pole.
A peaceful breeze wafts in,
And awakens the red, white, and blue flag,
Causing it to wave and flutter,
Like a butterfly, preparing to take flight.
The gentle wind soon fades away,
Leaving the atmosphere soundless and unmoving.
And the worn flag,
With vivid white stars,
Is at rest yet again.
And soon, is asleep once more.

 

[WriterJohnB]

Not bad. I can't however, believe you wrote it without intending it to mean something. Maybe subconsciously?

Take care,

JohnB

 

[Vespertilio91]

Like it. Quite a lot in fact. But I'm not too much on imagery poetry. It always makes me feel like I need something more open to the possibilities. But that's just my point of view.
Very very powerful. Nearly moving.
May need to check the speed and tempo of the words again. There's a few extra and missing beats, but maybe you meant for that???

Suggestions:

A Long Awaited Rest
Flight and the Requiem
Revival to Decay
Open to the World, Fallen Beneath the Pressure

 

[ValkyrieRaven88]

I like it! The imagery is good. I'm with Vespertilio here; I'm not big into imagery poetry. I like emotion-driven poetry more. But yours was good and I am capable of recognizing that.