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New Story

PABLOGCC

New Member
Hi there!

I've recetly begun writing a new story. I'll post here the first chapter, which is, mainly, a descrpition of a city.

I'm aware that it's probably full of spelling/gramamr mistakes, as I'm writing this at around 12 - 1 a.m because I just can't sleep (must have insomnia or something of the sort) I also know that it probably isn't the most original story out there (it's perhap's lacking in that area), but I'm liking it so far so I'll just go on with it ;D

Anyway, here it is... enjoy ( Oh and it CAN get a little long and boring.. so if you don't like long, semi-crazy descrpitions well... I warned you)

The Sun was rising. Dawn had evidently come to the Imperial City. The Sun’s rays slowly caressed each part of the gargantuan metropolis, breathing life into the regal giant. It had always been said that Derris-Kharlan was the most beautiful and magnificent place in the world.

Derris-Kharlan was a massive city that spawned several thousand kilometers. The most populous city of the world was divided into circles, called the “Nine Spheres”. As the light grew, signaling the beginning of a new day, each of the different spheres became slowly illuminated.

First was The Outer Wall, also called the “Ivory Barrier” because it irradiated a tremendous white shine when light struck its walls. It was the first line of defense built after the Ophanim War to protect the city. It completely surrounded the city and had a length of thousands of kilometers. It was operated form the inside by members of the Imperial Army. It was the main entrance into the city, and had golden gates, one in the east and one in the west.

Directly after the Ivory Barrier was the First Sphere, Illyion. It was the agricultural sphere. Every single farmer in the city lived here. It was the poorest of the communities, yet it was one of the most beautiful. A grand river, the Poseidon, surrounded Illyion. All of the food used in Derris-Kharlan came directly from this sphere. Every new day, farmers and peasants would wake up at around six in the morning to irrigate the crops. The beautiful wet-earth scent spread across the atmosphere for the entire day.
Next was a small wall that separated the First Sphere from the rest of the city. The Second Sphere was known as Palatine. This was the industrial sphere, were all factories were located. The contrast with Illyion came instantly, as Palatine was oftenly described as the “ugliest place in the Imperial Center”. Truth be told, there were some trees and grass, but almost all of nature had been assimilated to open space for the factories. As a matter of fact, it was the only uninhabited sphere, since there was no space to build any real estate. Even the grand Poseidon River had to be sent underground, as there was a great risk of the machines getting wet and malfunctions occurring.

Directly on top of the factories were small machines called “Aerial Toxic Fumes Collectors and Recyclers” or ATFCR’s. These artifacts were huge cylindrical containers that floated high above the city. They produced an invisible vortex that immediately consumed all the vapors exhumed by the factories so they wouldn’t even be seen. Next, they proceeded to turn those fumes into usable energy packs. In this manner, the ATFCR’s were largely independent, and little maintenance was required.

The Sun’s rays then passed the two barricades and the Poseidon River, and reached the Third Sphere, Aristotecia. Aristotecia was the first educational sphere, albeit the one for the middle and lower classes. It was full of trees and parks. The Nietsnie Academy of Sciences and the Choren Academy of History were found here. These two colleges were the most prominent figures here, each at the opposite side. Education was virtually free, except for some small donations made to the sector every once in awhile. All students lived at their schools, so they had no need to travel extremely long distances every day, and their parents were allowed to visit them whenever they wanted to, as long as it was between 4 and 7 p.m.

Then the city was enveloped into a gentle blue light, the Sun had reached the Sapphire Wall. This wall divided the city into the two main sectors, namely Upper and Lower Kharlan. All of the influential and wealthy persons, as well as the government institutions laid on the Upper part. The contrast between the two wasn’t as sharp though, perhaps the only big differences between them were the Imperial Palace, Maynel Cathedral, and all of the pompous nobles.

Light reached Capitalia, the Fourth Sphere and the economic center of the Empire. Here, the Poseidon River met with the Neptune Falls, and formed the Holy Maltea River that flowed all the way to the center of the city, forming a giant lake. Towering buildings filled the landscape, surrounded by majestic trees and small waterfalls; the perfect examples of Pratavian Architecture. People hurried along the streets, always busy. Movement here never ceased, except during the night, when not one soul would walk Capitalia’s streets. Everyone would either be home or working at their offices. The pleasurable scent of Coffee permeated the atmosphere, instilling a feeling of peace, even when everything was so agitated.

The Fifth Sphere was named Aristcracia, the place were almost all wealthy people lived. It was full of luxurious mansions and villas bathed in the Holy Maltea River that gave it a conservative look of the times before the Ophanim War. People would usually hold parties or fancy reunions. Expensive mascots and transports were also a common thing here. It was the most comfortable place to live at in Derris-Kharlan. Unfortunately, one could only aspire for place in Aristcracia by inheritance, or occupying an influential post, such as Prime Judge or Generals of the Imperial Army.

At the end of Aristcracia were a series of small walls that marked the beginning of the Sixth Sphere, Socratia. The best schools and academies in the planet were here. Most prominent amongst them were the Newdotus College of Science and History, the Grand Imperial Academy, and the Holy University for Theological Studies. Just like in Aristotecia, most students slept at school, with few exceptions. Here, beautiful fruit trees and multiple colored flowers grew, and animals and persons were able to live in peace and harmony, a trait only seen at Illyion and from the Sixth Sphere onwards.
When the Sun passed above the Ruby Wall, a similar effect was created as that which had occurred with the Sapphire Wall, but this time, the Imperial City was surrounded by a warm and relaxing red light, albeit for an instant. From here onward, there were only government offices and buildings, and very few civilians were allowed to enter. Only special occasions, such as Masses or Parades, allowed all persons inside the Sacred Spheres.
Almost all the power of the Empire was concentrated on the Sacred Spheres, and security was very tight. Two Imperial Legions patrolled the Wall during the entire day and night. Entrance could only be achieved through the Crimson Gate, crossing a bridge above the Holy Maltea River.
The Seventh Sphere, Sacred Sphere Edentium, was the place where all religious power was located. The Maynel Cathedral, seat of the Court of Saints, sat at the top of Mount Adonnai. Its huge towers were designed so that the bells for prayer were heard throughout the entire city.
Edentium was basically a giant garden full of churches. Mount Adonnai was the birthplace of the Poseidon River and Neptune Falls, which, oddly enough, flowed from opposite sides and never met until they had finished traveling the first Four Spheres. It was, however, divided into special sections that eventually led into the Cathedral and the Grand Saint’s living quarters. Contrary to all of the other Spheres, only solemn hymns and chants were heard while on the streets of Edentium, which made it a perfect place to relax and meditate.

Dawn was reaching the Center of Kharlan, but first it had to travel through the Eight Sphere, Derris-Mos-Kratos. This was the place were the Grand Imperial Senate Palace was located, as well as the Imperial High Courts and the temporal residences of the Five Cardinal Magisters and the Four Serapheschals. This Sphere was special in that it was fully covered by water. Indeed, the Holy Maltea River was at its fullest, and, with the exceptions of a few corridors and the bases of the buildings, it was completely enveloped by the river. The Imperial Senate Palace was always guarded by, at least, a legion of troops. It wasn’t only the place were Imperial Senate meetings were held, but the residence of the Senators, when they were in the city, as well.

In between the last two Spheres, a last barrier stood tall. The Inner Barrier was the last line of defense of Derris-Kharlan. Patrolled day and night by thousands of ground and aerial troops, it was really impossible to cross into the Emperor’s private domains without authorization. The Inner Barrier separated the rest of the city from the last Sacred Sphere, the Imperial Center itself: Holterra.

When the entire city was caressed by morning’s embrace, light came to Holterra. It was divided into the shape of an octagon. Since it was built atop a lake formed by the Holy Maltea River, it was also covered entirely by water, except for certain specific parts.

First was the Grand Gate of Holterra that led visitors into the Imperial Corridor. It had a lot of plants and trees, but otherwise, it was covered by water. It spawned a narrow corridor that led to a 3-way junction. It was here that visitors were offered a choice: Proceed to the right, into the Grand Imperial Military Academy. It was here that the Empire’s elite soldiers, also known as the Altinian Guard, were trained and lived. It covered one fourth of Holterra’s surface, and had barely any trees.

Proceeding to the left would lead you into the Holy Imperial Aerial Academy. This place, like the Military Academy, had no vegetation whatsoever. It was full of gigantic and small ships that formed the core of the Imperial Aerial Forces. It covered one half of Holterra’s surface, most of which was occupied by hangars and landing pads.

Heading through the center gate would lead into the Holy Kharlan-Prabhalim Palace, home to the Imperial Family. The gigantic palace was the perfect combination of nature and technology. With over 5 hectares of construction, the Imperial Palace was the largest building in the entire world. It was surrounded by luscious forests and impressive, unending gardens and rivers. It was the most beautiful and majestic place on Derris. Of course, being the gargantuan it was, the Imperial Palace still held many secrets from the rest of the world.

It was this place the last to receive the Sun’s rays, and it was at this time that a certain young prince was abruptly awoken by the rays piercing his eyelids and a familiar voice saying: “Time to wake up Sephiroth”.

As a last note... I know that several names are not mine (i.e Derris-Kharlan and the like), but I just couldn't come up with names, so I chose those as a subsitute. The Sephiroth is based on FFVII's Sephiroth (though only in appereance) so I might change his name in the future as well...

Thanks for reading!
 
oh and by the way... if anybody wishes to post comments, critics, suggestions, etc... please feel free to do so and they'll be welcomed
 
That's true... but at least I do, really. After all, how can I imrpove if you don't post what you really think, so don't worry. No hard feelings!
 
I read the beginning of it and found it amazing. You really made me feel like I was near the city... the descriptions gave me vivid images... You also helped me out. I've realized now that I'm not putting enough feel and descriptive words into my novel. Thanks.
 
Oh something else to think about... the city you are describing must be extemely important in order for it to get an entire chapter of description. If a lot doesn't happen in it then you've just wasted a lot of pages. People will find it boring to read about a city for ten pages. You might want to add some dialogue and a few characters into it. Get your main character out there. That would draw people's attention.

I've just never read a reallly loonng description in a book like yours based soley on a city. Well I hope that helps.. If you have any questions just ask.. I'll do my best.
 
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