Our Cruel World: Comment on my short piece

[JBook]

The sharp silver blade was a long-trusted friend. I had felt its hard cold body sheathed against my side for twenty years- my only companion in the apathy of this dangerous world. Then one day, a man with eyes colder and more troubled than my own, deftly took my only friend. I died in an alley paved with filth, with familiar steel in a heart of stone.

Make whatever comments you want, so long they are constructive. Be honest, if you think it's trash-please tell me why.

Thanks in Advance,
-Jonathan.

 

[Acolyte]

Intriguing--I'm trying to ignore the little voice in my head that it screaming for more information. *grin*

Purely grammatically, I think the comma before "deftly" isn't necessary.

On a more stylistic note, the power it has (and it has power) arise from very specific word choice...so I'm not a huge fan of the sentence "I died in an alley paved with filth". It sicks out, regular and less powerful words right in between such non-literal and evocative ones. Though the second half, "familiar steel in a heart of stone" is just as good as the beginning. I'm not sure how I'd reward it to keep the intensity up, but that one part, especially the word "alley" takes it down a bit as I read it.

 

[JBook]

Intriguing--I'm trying to ignore the little voice in my head that it screaming for more information. *grin*

Purely grammatically, I think the comma before "deftly" isn't necessary.

On a more stylistic note, the power it has (and it has power) arise from very specific word choice...so I'm not a huge fan of the sentence "I died in an alley paved with filth". It sicks out, regular and less powerful words right in between such non-literal and evocative ones. Though the second half, "familiar steel in a heart of stone" is just as good as the beginning. I'm not sure how I'd reward it to keep the intensity up, but that one part, especially the word "alley" takes it down a bit as I read it.

Thanks for the comment. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, I might expand it into a few paragraphs or maybe a short story. But, I'm not sure if I'll change the "alley paved with filth". Perhaps, I'll find a line that 'jives' better with the rest of the piece.

 

[spatha]

Good stuff, but just a little too much description going on for my liking; adjectives piling up, disrupting the flow. I wouldn't change your wonderful sentences, just weed out unneccessary description to tighten it up a little, for example:

The sharp silver blade was a long-trusted friend. I had felt its hard cold body sheathed against my side for twenty years- my only companion in the apathy of this dangerous world.

We would naturally assume that blades are sharp, so I think the word is unneccessary. the same goes for 'hard' leaving us with:

The silver blade was a long-trusted friend. I had felt its cold body sheathed against my side for twenty years...

In the second sentence, apathy and dangerous don't seem natural together without some explanation of the meaning. Maybe thats just me being dim though.

The rest was great, the only other issue being addressed by Acolyte. I would like to see some more of your writing.

 

[JBook]

Revised Version

I'd almost forgotten about this post, but here's the revised version:

The silver blade had been long-trusted friend. I had felt its cold body sheathed against my side for twenty years - my only companion against the apathy of this soulless world. Then one day, a man with eyes colder and more troubled than my own took away my only friend. I died alone, with familiar steel through a heart of stone.

 

[JBook]

I'd almost forgotten about this post, but here's the revised version:

The silver blade had been long-trusted friend. I had felt its cold body sheathed against my side for twenty years - my only companion against the apathy of this soul-less world. Then one day, a man with eyes colder and more troubled than my own took away my only friend. I died alone, with familiar steel through a heart of stone.


I just had to add the hyphen because I always prefer the hyphenated form of a word if it is acceptable.

 

[sirmyk]

The silver blade had been long-trusted friend. I had felt its cold body sheathed against my side for twenty years - my only companion against the apathy of this soul-less world. Then one day, a man with eyes colder and more troubled than my own took away my only friend. I died alone, with familiar steel through a heart of stone.

The tense had been killing me!

How 'bout something like this: The silver blade was a long-trusted friend, sheathed at my side for twenty years .

Still sounds quirky... but I took out the "cold body" reference since the reader can assume the sword/knife/dagger is far from warm-blooded.