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Our perfect fantasy book will have...

our heroine - in the tradition of stupid blonde leading ladies everywhere - sets of for the heart of danger - the heart of darkness - the Amazon! She soon finds herself paddling down the majstic river with Snuffles (the hamster-armadillo) by her side when suddenly, out of the water, comes...
 
...Charon, his skeletal hands gripping the rowing pole (stop laughing! I don't know what that's called!) that propels his small boat. The apparition, clad entirely in rough black burlap, stood motionless as the boat inched forward in the slow flowing river.

His sudden appearance startled our heroine, but Charon gave no indication that he noticed. Snuffles, sleeping in our heroine's backpack, snorted in his sleep.

"Charon!" At least our heroine was glad to see a familiar face out in the dense jungle. "You scared the Hades out of me! What are you doing out of your cozy cheerful hiding place? I didn't know Styx was anywhere near here. Are you lost?"

The skull beneath the dark hood opened its mouth to say...

ds

p.s. ah, I just realized we're writing in the present tense. How Neal Stephenson we all are...
 
crossing640.jpg


Illustration ...
 
ROTFL. Still, that's absolutely fantastic. Wait till the others see it! Does this mean we can rely on you for illustrations?
 
Poppy1 said:
"Yeah, Gidday. Where's the nearest McDonalds?"
Our heroine smiles indulgently and .......
Click to expand...

:D :D

...says: "Honestly Char, although it's clear that you need to put on some weight, there are better ways than that. I mean puhleeaase - McDonalds? Tell you what, my grandma packed a lovely nutritious meal for Snuffles before we left, and I'll let you have it if you tell us where the h**l we are! I think we're lost!"

Charon laughs a cold, empty laugh, extends his arm...
 
...then abruptly stops.

Dead silence.

"Please...", drones Charon, reverting to his characteristically dry and emotionless voice, "pardon me. We must have temporarily lapsed into a temporal nexus, and I took on the mental faculties of a hungry Australian."

"Tell me about it," our heroine says, and wondering when she'll actually be referred to by name. "That psychic trip gave me a killer headache! Anyway, I'm glad you're boring again, Charon. What's 'Australian'"

"Are you kidding?", asked Charon in his dryest voice yet, with no change in tone or inflection, "I don't even know why I feel thirsty just saying the word 'McDonald's'. Ponder not on these lapses, they are of no concern. You seek assistance?"

"Yes, have you seen anyone who likes peanut butter around here?"

The skull gazed at her from its empty sockets, and raised its skeletal hand...


ds
 
...and said, more conversationally:

"Oh, did you want the PETA, then? I'm sorry, they were all wiped out yesterday. I was afraid there'd be an awful lot of ferrying, but luckily their canoes had drowned so we tied them all together to get the whole tribe to Hades. So if you still want to face them..." - he snickered and added in his favourite Deep'n'Ominous voice - "that's where you'll have to go!"

Bitsy, our heroine, accepted this piece of information with
 
--INTERLUDE--
[outraged voice]Bitsy??? BITSY?????[/outraged voice]

She's supposed to be intelligent, by golly!!!

-- END INTERLUDE --

ds
 
her usual lack of composure and screamed until the monkeys fell out of the trees. Fortunately, one monkey hit Charon right on the head which caused him to...
 
direstraits said:
Still... Can you find a picture of Charon with a burger in his hands? :)

ds
Click to expand...

I think he's dropped the burger overboard and is trying to spear it:D
Thanks Still, captures the mood brilliantly :cool:
 
pink shadow said:
her usual lack of composure and screamed until the monkeys fell out of the trees. Fortunately, one monkey hit Charon right on the head which caused him to...
Click to expand...


let forth a volley of expletives, the like of which our delicately raised Bitsy, had never heard before. The monkey joined the search for the rapidly sinking burger, whilst Charon moodily poked around with his pole. Bitsy cowered in the back of the boat, waiting for her ears to stop ringing ......
 
Poppy1 said:
let forth a volley of expletives, the like of which our delicately raised Bitsy, had never heard before. The monkey joined the search for the rapidly sinking burger, whilst Charon moodily poked around with his pole. Bitsy cowered in the back of the boat, waiting for her ears to stop ringing ......
Click to expand...

...so she could answer with a tirade of her own expletives, all her favourites of the ones she'd picked up since she ran away from her delicate upbringing. She ended the impressive list with a sour comment to Charon: "And anyway, why'd you have to...
 
direstraits said:
--INTERLUDE--
[outraged voice]Bitsy??? BITSY?????[/outraged voice]

She's supposed to be intelligent, by golly!!!

-- END INTERLUDE --

ds
Click to expand...

Hey, what's with the nameism?! :D
 
mrkgnao said:
...so she could answer with a tirade of her own expletives, all her favourites of the ones she'd picked up since she ran away from her delicate upbringing. She ended the impressive list with a sour comment to Charon: "And anyway, why'd you have to...
Click to expand...

drown my baby?"
 
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