Pandora's Box

[ValkyrieRaven88]

This is a poem dealing with fear in general. It's my favorite of all my poems because it's the one everyone seems to understand the most. It was published in my high school's literary magazine.

The all-consuming fear,
That’s tearing me apart.
It eats me from the inside,
And it’s starting with my heart.
The truth’s locked up inside me,
And that’s where it will stay hid.
Fear of its discovery,
Keeps me sitting on the lid.

I feel part of it leaking out,
Like I can’t hold it all in.
I struggle, put more pressure on,
But outward leaks my sin.
Pandora’s box of horrors,
With one tiny ray of hope,
That someday I can let it go,
And thus release my rope.

I’m already at the end of it.
Why bother holding on?
I might as well enjoy the fall;
The landing may be soft.
I search the story of my life,
For the source of this dismay.
I’m persecuted, hunted down,
Killed and left to decay.

Why so much persecution,
When I’ve committed no crime?
I’ve never harmed a living soul,
Yet I’m back-stabbed all the time.
“Just let it go, just let it out.”
“Breathe deeply; you’ll live on.”
These voices rotate in my head.
They mean well, but they’re wrong.

I die a little more each day,
From cancer of my mind.
This leech inside drains all my strength,
Until none’s left to find.
I feel the smiles around me,
And I pray that they don’t know.
I try to keep it hidden,
But somehow it still shows.

Pandora’s box is opening,
And the demons in me swarm.
The hope inside me fills me up.
It’s that which keeps me warm.

 

[stigmaticman]

yo I thought well of it
it had some good clever lines
the rhyme was good
and it was quite original

 

[ValkyrieRaven88]

Thank you! ^^ I am pleased with it myself, but I wanted to get opinions here before I go tooting my own horn. It's not like it's Poe or Frost quality or anything.

 

[veggiedog]

I don't know if I should be reviewing this poem, since I'm not a poet (or arguable a very bad one ) but too bad, so sad, because here I go:

That was good! Very creative rhymes. I also loved the way you handled and included the myth of Pandora's box, very original.
Some lines are a few syllables longer than others, creating a slightly awkward tilt to the lines, such as here (in orange):

The truth’s locked up inside me,
And that’s where it will stay hid.
Fear of its discovery,
Keeps me sitting on the lid.

and here:

I feel part of it leaking out,
Like I can’t hold it all in.
I struggle, put more pressure on,
But outward leaks my sin.

But your good sense of rhythm masks or remedies most of these situations, and you are able to balance it out well within the stanza.
There's also some awkward wording, which is usually unavoidable in rhyming poetry, so don't worry about that so much.

My favorite favorite lines (in purple)
Good word choice (in green)
Could get better word choice (in red); I know this is hard, since it is a rhyming poem
Suggestions/notes (blue) -- obviously you don't even have to take these seriously

The all-consuming fear,
That’s tearing me apart.
It eats me from the inside,
And it’s starting with my heart.
The truth’s locked up inside me,
And that’s where it will stay hid. (<- awkward phrasing)
Fear of its discovery,
Keeps me sitting on the lid. (<- Lid? Slightly clumsy)

I feel part of it leaking out, (<- wording here similar to one three lines down, try shaking it up)
Like I can’t hold it all in.
I struggle, put more pressure on, (<- just confused as to why you would apply more pressure )
But outward leaks my sin.
Pandora’s box of horrors,
With one tiny ray of hope,
That someday I can let it go,
And thus release my rope. (<- I must sound like an idiot, but what rope?)

I’m already at the end of it. (<- I assume you are using the subject from the last stanza? Bit clumsy.)
Why bother holding on?
I might as well enjoy the fall; (<- I don't understand these three lines here)
The landing may be soft.
I search the story of my life,
For the source of this dismay.
I’m persecuted, hunted down,
Killed and left to decay. (<- You may want to replace 'left to decay', if possible)

Why so much persecution, (<- You just used this word a couple of lines up)
When I’ve committed no crime? (<- committed seems too long to fit right)
I’ve never harmed a living soul,
Yet I’m back-stabbed all the time.
“Just let it go, just let it out.”
“Breathe deeply; you’ll live on.”
These voices rotate in my head.
They mean well, but they’re wrong.


I die a little more each day,
From cancer of my mind. (<- love the metaphors)
This leech inside drains all my strength,
Until none’s left to find. (<- again, a little awkward)
I feel the smiles around me, (<- LOVE this line. )
And I pray that they don’t know.
I try to keep it hidden,
But somehow it still shows.


Pandora’s box is opening,
And the demons in me swarm.
The hope inside me fills me up. (<- The word 'up' is unecessary. Can you replace or omit it?)
It’s that which keeps me warm.

The last stanza is a great closing!
You may want to do a little shifting around with word choice and such, but you really are a good poet! KEEP WRITING!!

Peace,
veggiedog

 

[ValkyrieRaven88]

Thanks for being honest, veggiedog. I know I need to work on certain things, and the phrasing was actually more awkward than that in my original version. I sorta don't know what to do with it. Thanks again for your help! I absolutely adore constructive crit.

 

[GreenKnight]

Funnily enough this reminds me strongly (in terms of tone and subject) of the lyrics of one of my favourite bands, Arena. Their lyricist Clive Nolan keep returning to the theme of guilt and the need for forgiveness, redemption, and atonemement (I often wonder what he's done that's made him feel that way!).

Have you thought of using this poem as a song lyric? It might suit a certain Gothic-ballad style of music. That would take care of some of the scansion issues too, if you didn't want to mess with those lines - lyrics don't have to fit metre quite so stringently.

 

[ValkyrieRaven88]

I'd thought about it. I compose music sometimes, and at one time I had started a band, but nothing ever seemed to work out. I listen to Gothic music, among other things, so it might suit me to write it into a song. Probably I'd need someone else composing, though, because I don't seem to be terribly good at it.
Anyway, thanks for the advice. I'll consider it more seriously than I had before. ^-^
P.S. Nick, I just ordered your book from Amazon about two minutes ago. It should be coming in a week or so. I'll try to have my other book finished by then so I can tell you what I think.

 

[ValkyrieRaven88]

Update: I asked a friend of mine who composes well if he could make this poem into a song. He said yes, and even though he's never put music to a poem before, he thinks he can do it. I'll revise it and see what he does with it later.