please judge Frenzy

[helgi]

Frenzy

Who can say what heavens hover
In summer's glistening knife?
Harems above me delight in my glance,
For I see up their skirmish in flight!
Haggleing hordes of damnate in stress,
Crowned and alieved in cringing covet,
What fervor alures the hamstrung mistress
From her nordic frenzies?

Herds of harems crane their wiles,
And make seen their buxom ness,

By what hand are you made?
What yield of heaven, I say?
Harem you are in yourself

 

[helgi]

At the poetry hut, when I read this poem, it went over bad! I always perform my poems with an old fencing sword, and had it not been for that I did still have it at my side, I would have been thrown upon by found art objects! But all they did was boo me with a great gust of disgust!

 

[silverseason]

At the poetry hut, when I read this poem, it went over bad!

Good thing you had that sword. They shouldn't have booed - you provided entertainment.

I don't care for the poem, since you ask, and have no idea what it is about. I don't get a picture, I don't understand the action, I don't experience a mood or emotion.

Just a hint, from one who used to try to write poetry. An adjective-noun combination needs to have a reason for being. Maybe sound (silver bells), maybe description (black dog), maybe shake the reader up with the unexpected. A combination like "hamstrung mistress" doesn't do any of these things. Hamstrung means that the achilles tendon (the hamstring) up the back of the leg has been cut, crippling the person. Has that happened here? Not likely in the context. Or do they fly because they are hamstrung. Or do you want to perform that mutilation? All unclear.

 

[helgi]

Good thing you had that sword. They shouldn't have booed - you provided entertainment.

I don't care for the poem, since you ask, and have no idea what it is about. I don't get a picture, I don't understand the action, I don't experience a mood or emotion.

Just a hint, from one who used to try to write poetry. An adjective-noun combination needs to have a reason for being. Maybe sound (silver bells), maybe description (black dog), maybe shake the reader up with the unexpected. A combination like "hamstrung mistress" doesn't do any of these things. Hamstrung means that the achilles tendon (the hamstring) up the back of the leg has been cut, crippling the person. Has that happened here? Not likely in the context. Or do they fly because they are hamstrung. Or do you want to perform that mutilation? All unclear.

I'd heard of stream of consciosness poetry, and normally I don't go in for it, but I tried it with this poem and wrote it in 2 minutes.
...for considering the word hamstrung, I think many images or ideas could result, and as I understand it that's the good of ambiguity. I had always understood this to be a function of poetry, to function by interpretation...but this poem seems to be almost entirely ambiguities, and so must be unclear.
...what is effective, I suppose, is when clear ideas are adorned by ambiguities in moderation,... and perhaps in that case, even, it is also ideal if the ambiguities are readily understood as ambiguities, and as emotive adornments or small witicisms that do not in themselves determine the plot or thrust.
...my poem The Protest I would say is an example of proper ambiguity, having a clear plot that can offer value to the reader aside from the odd wordings