Poem: Beat of the Drum

[wickychick1991]

this is a poem that i had to write for school. i want to know what you think about it but go easy on me, i'm only 14!! i also dont know what a good title would be so let me know!!

Beat of the Drum
she could not sleep
for the constant beating of drums
she climbs out of bed
steps onto the balcony
and pulls her satin gown tightly around her
to ward off the bitter cold
the light of the moon
bright and full
shines down upon the soldiers
as she watches
through her chocolate brown eyes
she watches
the army
slowly slowly marching
through them all
she tries to find
which one is him
him the one she loves
him the one she longs for
but they all look alike
in their old worn out uniforms
she remembers the promise he made to her
that he would com home to her safely
she remembers the last kiss he gave to her
late at night
hidden beneath the trees
she shivers at the thought
that he might not return
then goes back to bed
as she lays her head
upon her pillow
her thick brown curls
that he loved so much
surround her in the darkness
she shuts out images of him
lying dead on a battlefield
covered in blood
and she lies awake all night
listening
as her heart
heavy with worry
echoes the droning beat of the drums
she listens until the pattern fades
slowly
slowly
into nothingness

 

[wickychick1991]

Are you guys not replying because its bad or do you just not feel like replying? I'd really appreciate it if you would tell me what you think about it-good or bad.

 

[steffee]

I don't really understand poetry, or I would reply.

 

[cheshire]

Well, I'm not that qualified to critique either, but I think, considering your age, it's quite good. You certainly set a scene and express yourself well in the poem. I would suggest that you look for ways that you can say things in new, unique and interesting ways, as sometimes you resort to some cliche or worn out phrases (light of the moon, for example).

I would encourage you to read poetry. Good poetry. Read it, read it and read it. Discover poets that you like, both old and current. See how they express their ideas. Listen to the SOUND of the words.

I'd also suggest that you check out the Poetry 180 website. This is great site that is perfect for budding young poets just like you. And there are lots of really good poems there you can read. Here's the link or you can just do a Google search for Poetry 180: http://www.loc.gov/poetry/180/

You also might want to pick up a book about writing poetry. Learn about the forms, rhythms and structures of poems. One good book is called "In the Palm of Your Hand" by Steve Kowit. Also, "The Poetry Handbook" by Mary Oliver is nice. But there are many other good books about writing poetry. Explore!

But mostly, I would encourage you to keep writing poetry. The more you write the better you will get. And it looks like you are off to a great start.

Good luck!

Ches

 

[Steve2708]

For someone whos not qualified to critique.. you sure had plenty to say.
I beleive you know more the you let on. Modesty, a true attribute.

However i thought that the poem stayed fluid and made you appreciate the feelings of the individuals that you portrayed. Well written, keep it up.

PS. And i really do know nothing

 

[Stewart]

You slip between past and present tense at the opening of the poem. Is there a reason for your lack of punctuation and capitalisation?

 

[Vespertilio91]

I like it. I think it is a good poem, but do think that it needs to be a bit more polished. A few more words of description, more vivid and unnatural words. Words you wouldn't say everyday like etiolated. That'll help.

You need to punctuate. Punctuation is essential to poetry because it gives a sense of beginning and end. Someone could interpret something in your poem completely differently because of a lack of a comma. Here's a good example from Romeo and Juliet...

...And I will not be satisfied until I behold my Romeo--
Dead is my heart...

In this passage, Juliet has said to her mother this...her mother interprets it like this....

And I will not be satisfied until I behold my Romeo dead.
Is my heart...

But Juliet has it meant like this....

And I will not be satisfied until I behold my Romeo
Dead is my heart...

In one, she says that she wants Romeo dead (this happens right after Romeo was banished for killing Tybalt) and in the other she says she is dead to the world without her Romeo. See how punctuation is important.

And don't say anything about being young because if you have talent, it will show, if you don't, you just don't. I'm fifteen, but I prefer to be treated as if an adult is writing my poetry.

 

[wickychick1991]

I revised the poem, changing some words and adding punctuation. Let me know what you think. And please help me think of a title, I don't really like the one I have now.

Beat of the Drum

She cannot sleep
For the constant beating of drums.
She climbs out of bed,
And steps onto the balcony.
She pulls her satin gown securely around her
To ward off the bitter cold.
The moon's radiance,
Dazzling and full,
Shines down upon the soldiers
As she watches.
Through her chocolate brown eyes
She watches,
The army,
Slowly, slowly, marching.
Through them all,
She tries to glimpse
Which one is him.
Him the one she loves,
Him the one she longs for.
Only to discover they all look alike
In their shabby, aged uniforms.
She remembers the vow he made to her,
That he would return to her safely.
She remembers the last kiss he gave to her,
Late, in the hours of darkness,
Veiled beneath the leaves.
She shivers at the thought
That he might not return,
Then goes back to bed.
As she lays her head
Upon her pillow,
Her thick, brown, curls
That he treasured,
Surround her in the shadows.
She shuts out images of him,
Lying lifeless on a battlefield
Covered in blood.
She lays awake all night,
Listening,
As her heart,
Grave with worry,
Echoes the droning beat of the drums.
She listens until the pattern fades,
Slowly,
Slowly,
Into nothingness.

 

[lanaia74]

Totally AWESOME!