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Senses

direstraits

Well-Known Member
I had never been up to this floor before. The first thing that struck me as the elevator doors opened was the cacophony of ringtones, a dizzying stream of chatter, the shuffling of feet and papers. It seemed at first glance that the rows of cubicles stretched all the way to the skyline, which was an exaggeration, of course, but it would be true if a skyscraper had a skyline. Sales folks were moving up and down the aisles amidst the plaster beige walls, carrying folders, iPads or stacks of paper evidently destined for the photocopier or fax machine. Most had a smartphone plastered to the side of their faces. The guys were decked out in sharp Armani sets matched with ties that were actually tasteful, and the ladies looking mighty good in navy or black pantsuits. An unpleasant hint of equal parts phone disinfectants and toner ink hung in the air. David ushered me quickly along down a corridor, and finally stopped in front of a huge mahogany double door with impressive brass handles. I paused, and quickly felt for the USB drive that I appropriated earlier this morning. I felt the hard cold steel enclosure with my damp fingers nestled reassuringly in my trouser pocket. How sugary sweet my mouth was, I suddenly realized, from that last gulp of Coke before I was summoned here. The sweat streamed down my back despite the air-conditioning, I felt myself put on a poker face as I reached to open the doors.
 
Hey guys, thanks! It's actually a lesson submission from the online writing course I'm taking. This lesson was about senses, and how I should incorporate 8 senses in a 500 word paragraph. The normal 5 senses plus the sense of the unknown, time and space.

feedback of any kind is actually welcome, especially bad ones! Looking to continue learning!

Thanks again guys!
 
Haha! You mean not giving bad feedback? that's what I need and want! Don't hold back! :)

I have my share of critical feedback on this piece already in the other place, so I know this piece is not perfect. Haha!
 
It reminded me a little of something I would have expected to read in a Chuck Palahniuk novel. And that's not a bad thing.
 
Wow. From clumsy sentences to chuck palahniuk! This course is definitely paying for itself! :)

Now to see if I can sustain this in something more than 500 words. ;)
 
thumbs (sideways) up

This story compared to your other titled " conflict " is much better.

Much more vivid. A few things I'd change but an overall better read.
 
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