Short poem, having trouble with flow

[DavePoe]

I've just recently started writing poetry, but I'm having trouble creating a constant flow. I'm also having a problem choosing original words. I was curious as to how you all write interestingly while choosing good words to flow.

Here is a short sample (unfinished due to frustration), notice the choppiness as you go from one line to the next:

I awoke to my mother's weeping,
For spoken things cruel and mean,
I had spent the night selfishly sleeping,
But now I awoke feeling like a fiend.
Then came the remembrance of the night.
The recalling of the fight,

And what a demon I was seeing,
No doubt one from Satan's dream,
Evil, oozing, seeping
From every pour sin could be seen.
And continued the rememberance of the night,
And the recalling of the fight.

I accused, whore, slut, creeping.
Pumping hot through each vein,
Words echoing even after sleeping,
And this is where I left the scene.
Driving into the night.
Drinking, mind not right.

Alcohol causing the speeding,
Driving without a mean.
My mother called me weeping,
Begging my return to lay and dream.
I didn't listen that night,
and there was a flash, so bright.

Then waking to her weeping,
For things I would never mean,
Entered my room tears sweeping,
She stood facing a fiend.
I spoke to make wrong right,
But no words came try as I might.

Any advice would be great, thanks to you all. Also don't be to hard I'm already uneasy about letting the entire planet read my writing. Thanks again!

 

[ReganFinch]

Hey Dave Sorry that no one has answered yet. I hope I can help.

Well Dave, I believe you have a great base poem here. With the proper revisions, this poem could shine very brightly.

Your poem seems to be anchored on the rhyme scheme. This, to me at least, is the main cause of the "choppiness". It seems that the rhyming lines are written the way they are so that the rhyme scheme is maintained. (a doozy of a sentence, hehe) If you look at "Do not go gentle into that good night" by Dylan Thomas, you can tell that he didn't force the rhyme. The rhyme, although important, seems secondary to what the line actually says. Don't focus on the rhyme. Focus on what you want to say rather than how you want to say it.

I really enjoyed the poem. It tells a lot about who you are and what you think about. Great job!

RF

 

[elena1m]

I second that opinion. Look at your flow on the second paragraph first few lines. It flows very nicely until you get to the rhyme. See if you can flow into the rhyme without effort. Your them is very interesting. I can relate to the lines. Keep writing.