Situation - Divorce & Kids

[Ell]

Most divorced people I know talk about the ex as if they were a piece of trash along the side of the road. It's really a shame.

Yes it is. I think it comes from anger - a need to cast blame. All that anger tends to sour attempts at subsequent relationships. Of the divorced people I know, the ones who do the best are those who remain on good terms with their exes. The ones who are still miserable are those who can't let go of their anger and still take every opportunity to slag their exes.

I do believe in true love, and true happiness.

So do I, but it doesn't always come from immediate attraction, sparks and fireworks. Sometimes it grows out of mutual respect and friendship. I think this often happens in arranged marriages. My grandparents had an arranged marriage and they were completely devoted to each other.

 

[jenn]

imo i feel that if your relationship is failing and all hope of reconcilliation is lost, all avenues have been explored,nothing can be done, then divorce because of the kids. kids are not stupid, and they can sense tension and discord. mom and dad not sleeping in the same bed or room, is not comfortable for them, they may not know why it's wierd, they just know it is. my parents divorced, it was horrible and awkward and sad and when all the dust had settled, way better. no tension, no tiptoeing on eggshells. and they weren't happy, their marriage failed, they were single, again. but all the stress and anger was gone and they could move on. i'm a big believer in ripping the bandaid off.

what i see happening all to often is people giving up and not fighting for their marriage. they don't want to compromise, they want to be right. it's hard sharing your life with someone and thinking that love will save the day is setting oneself up for a huge fall.

 

[Motokid]

I need somebody to explain this whole arranged marriage concept. It is so "un-american". Please don't take that the wrong way. I've never known anybody to even discuss it as an option. I can't imagine telling my daughters who they are going to marry. I would never have let my parents tell me who I could marry.

I'd like to hear more from people who would accept this kind of arrangement.

 

[novella]

I think bobbyburns is the only regular poster with an arranged marriage, and that's with his TV. He had to bring a dowry of $4K into it, but now he gets to lie on the couch for the rest of his life. I hear he's very happy.

 

[bobbyburns]

let me guess, you picked out yet another flawed form of escapist entertainment that I enjoy which I'm supposed to defend and defend until, OOPS!, big shock, bobby, it was just a joke, and you laugh and god laughs and I die a little inside.

 

[novella]

let me guess, you picked out yet another flawed form of escapist entertainment that I enjoy which I'm supposed to defend and defend until, OOPS!, big shock, bobby, it was just a joke, and you laugh and god laughs and I die a little inside.

I too love TV. Don't die a little inside unless you have to.

 

[Motokid]

Come on members...this arranged marriage topic has to invite some kind of responce. I hope this thread does not die without a little more information on this. Would any of you voluntarily enter into a marriage that was arranged by your parents or gaurdians? Would any of you want the responcibility of arranging a marriage for your own children? Call me a sexist pig, but I find the idea more appalling for females than males, but I can't help it. It must be the whole "women as property" aspect that I can't help link to this topic. Novella insures me this is not the case in most arranged marriage, but it's what immediately pops into my mind when I think of this subject.

Maybe it's 'cause I have daughters and I don't trust any male as far as I can throw them with my girls....

 

[Billy]

I don't like the idea of arranged marriages, but that is because I have not been brought up to accept such things and also because like you I associate it with the 'women are property' mentality. However I do know that in the cultures where this is the norm, many people are quite happy with this arrangement as they quite often believe that love is a thing that grows.

Going back to the original topic of whether the parents should stay together for the sake of the kids, I have to say that my previous quote was not meant to sound like I was taking the easy way out. If this marriage is the kind that will affect the kids adversely, such as a violent one either physically or verbally, then I would say that they should divorce, but from your post this is not the impression I got of this couple. I think that if they stay together it teaches the kids several important lessons. It teaches them that you need to be very careful when you decide to get married as marriage lasts a long time and you want to be happy. It teaches them that there are other, less selfish things that are important, such as sacrificing your own happiness for the sake of those you hold dear. It teaches them that you can't just jump in and out of marriage whenever you feel the urge. And it teaches them that when you are married you just keep trying to make it work no matter how difficult that may be.

My reasons for giving these views are based on my beliefs of marriage. Marriage becomes a lot more than love. I think that we all go through stages in our marriages where we feel that we no longer love the person we are with. This can be caused by outside influences or by people moving in different directions, but if there is no hatred there and if there is no abuse or infidelity then quite often if the two stay together they can tend to once again find their love for each other. I just don't think the argument of, "We don't get along anymore." is a good enough argument to get a divorce when there are children involved. If they got along once, chances are that they will get along again when the crisis has passed. However having said this, if either one has betrayed the other in such a way that has deeply changed their feelings then perhaps it is a lost cause. This is very difficult as I really don't know what the full situation is. But based on the info you provided, this is what I think about it.