Someone please provide creative critisim for the following

[laboi_22]

I am writing a novel. My question is should the novel always say I? Or should it say he? Read the following please:

PROGLOGE

I ran out of the room and left my whole family behind to call the nurse. I didn’t know why I left the room and out into the lonely, smelly hospital halls for the comfort of a nurse that I didn’t know that well, but I did. I had all of my family gathered around me, but I still left.
Even though it wasn’t a far walk to the nurse’s station it felt like it was ten miles down a dark dirt road. When I finally reached my desperate destination I yelled out and cried “Hurry it’s the end please come now!”
I ran back and felt the nurse running behind me fearing the worst. She walked into the room and stated it again what I had already said “Yes, it’s over I’m so sorry about your loss.” I kind of knew the nurse who stood in front of me her name was Jill. We had only met a couple of times but still I felt like she could feel my pain or maybe she just possessed the skill of empathy.
There she laid my life right in front of me the images of her face turning blue as she took her last breath. It still haunts me till this day. My mother was a strong Christian woman that thought me the morals she felt that I would need to possess in this now miserable life that I was about to face. Before she died I remembered what she told me something about how everyone has a time. “Everyone has a set amount of time on this earth, Eric, to do what God planted us here to do.” I said “What is it that he planted you on this Earth to do mother?” “To be a missionary and to touch the lives of people that I have been so grateful to have met and share the gospel of the Lord with them.” She said “And that is what I did, and now my time is ending near.”

Should I be writing in another tense should I be talking about the main chracter as he walked down the hall or should I say I walked down to hall. Should I tell the story from the main character's point of view or should I tell the story from a narrative point a view. Thanks in advance for the advice!

 

[Cathy C]

laboi_22,

When your primary character is the person talking, this is known as "first person point of view (or POV)." When you're telling the story by referring to the characters as he and she, it's called "third person POV". Most of what I and my co-author write are in first person. It's common in some genres (types of books --- like mysteries or science-fiction) and not so common in others.

You should be careful about the use of "I." Many sentences don't require it, even though the character is describing it first-hand. Your first line should also be what's known as a "hook", or a strong invitation for the reader to continue. In your example, I would suggest the following:

**************

"Nurse, hurry! Something's wrong! I just know it is!"

She rushed past me and I followed her down the lonely, smelly hospital halls, seeking comfort in her knowledge and position. Even with all of my family gathered around me, I still sought out a stranger with a name tag that read "Jill".

It felt like it was ten miles down a dark dirt road going back to the room, fearing the worst. She walked into the room and said what I had already knew.

"Yes, it’s over. I’m so sorry about your loss.”

We had only met a couple of times but still I felt like she could feel my pain, or maybe she just possessed an empathy for those who were left behind. She put a hand on my shoulder and it kept the tears safely inside.

The image of my mother's still, blue face still haunts me till this day. She was a strong Christian woman that taught me the morals she truly believed I would need to possess, in this now miserable life that I was about to face.

Before she died I remembered what she told me something about how everyone has a time. “Everyone has a set amount of time on this earth, Eric, to do what God planted us here to do.”

That seemed strange to me at the time. “What is it that he planted you on this Earth to do, mother?”

She had smiled in quiet contentment and rocked back on the old wooden chair that always squeaked just a bit when it moved. “To be a missionary and to touch the lives of people that I have been so grateful to have met and share the gospel of the Lord with them.” She touched the well-worn bible on the doily-covered table next to her. "And that is what I did, and now my time is ending, but yours is just beginning.”

******************

Okay, do you see the difference in these two passages? Right now, the reader isn't feeling what the character is, which is critical in a first person book. You need to add in sensations and descriptions of what Eric is seeing and hearing. Try to close your eyes and imagine what is around the character when he's moving. Is there a rocker, or would the mother be on a couch or wicker chair on a porch? Where would her treasured bible be kept? Is it an old black King James version, or an ornate family bible that was handed down for generations? These sort of small touches really will make your book shine!

Does that make sense?

Hope this helps a bit!

Cathy

 

[direstraits]

Very generous of you Cathy. Excellent advice.

ds

 

[laboi_22]

Thanks so much Cathy

Thanks for the sound advice I will be sure to use it!

 

[RIKKIS]

it's kind of repetitive, and almost like you were tossing around adjectives, but I'm all ready attached to the characters and think the plot so far is pretty well developed, keep going.

 

[laboi_22]

Thanks

Thank you for your words that made my day. I actually started to change it up a little as so not to use the I so much. This is actually a murder mystery. If you would like to read more and give me your advice let me know. My email is laboi_22@yahoo.com
Thanks again!

 

[sirmyk]

He or I

Just make up your mind ASAP whether it's going to be "he" or "I" in this story. I once changed over an entire novella from "I" to "he". It wasn't fun...