• Welcome to BookAndReader!

    We LOVE books and hope you'll join us in sharing your favorites and experiences along with your love of reading with our community. Registering for our site is free and easy, just CLICK HERE!

    Already a member and forgot your password? Click here.

tell me...

K-Dawn

K-Dawn

New Member
...how does this sound:

He was all alone. It was so dark he couldn't see a thing. But yet, he kept on moving. Creeping as silently as he could through the thick woods.

He couldn't remember what happened. One minute he was sitting happily around the campfire, laughing with the others, and the next he was alone in the dark with a sharp pain on his head and no idea of what was going on. Where are the others? he thought. Where am I?

After travelling for half an hour, he still couldn't find the others. He kept creeping along for what seemed like hours. Finally, he saw a light. But it wasn't the light of a campfire that the others might be sitting around; it was the light of a town.
 
Perhaps fewer words? e.g. "He was alone. It was so dark he couldn't see - yet he kept moving."

I constantly struggle with being too wordy. In most cases, less is usually more. :)

Looked at your profile. You're 13, eh? I'm impressed.
 
Change the sentence order and some words?

He couldn't remember what happened. One minute he was sitting happily around the campfire, laughing with the others, and the next he was alone in the dark with a sharp pain on his head and no idea of what was going on.

It was so dark he couldn't see a thing but he kept on moving; creeping as silently as he could through the thick woods. Where are the others? he thought. Where am I?

After wandering for what seemed like hours he saw a light. It wasn't from a campfire that the others might be sitting around; it was the light of a town.
 
And thank you both for your suggestions. I was just sitting in English one day with no work to do and decided to write something.
 
Try to be less descriptive. Try to make the reader FEEL what it's like to be there :)

he RAN in blind, absolute, cold, and utter panic. Alone in the ominous darkness of the forest that all around pressed at him, clawed at him as if to drag him down in the unseen muck and freezing ooze that sucked at his feet.

His heart punched in fear against his rib cage. Ice cold sweat ran down his face. Panting breath stained with fear and tiny moans that bubbled up from cracked lips. Again and again he stumbled...

As he pushed his way blind and half crazed with the terror, one thought kept punching into his heart and mind like a dagger so that he wanted to blurt it out into the darkness. I am alone. I am alone. God help me. Where am I? God...

He whimpered in terror but kept moving. He was alone. he was Lost and worse he had no memory of getting to this foul forest filled ink black night. Choking on his fearful whimpers he pushed on. Fragments of memory burned bright like fire fly in his mind eye. Laughing. Camping. The fire. The hot dogs passed. Stumbling and tired and on the edge of total fear crazed insanity he stumbled into the light of a town.
 
Thanks, glad you liked :)

Sorry, explained myself badly. What I was trying to say is don't "tell" but "show" How does it FEEL to be there? Play with the words to give sense of feeling. Play with the pace to give sense of urgency of calm and serenity.

And as Ell said for 13 you are very impressive! Keep on writing! The important point is practise. You will get better without even knowing it or trying :)

Good luck!!!!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top