Tense Extract?

[tommydarascal]

Hi everyone!
In this extract of the story I am producing, I was trying to create serious tension between the two characters. I don't think it is very good ... it certainly isn't the best I can do ... so I was hoping for some harsh critism and things that can help me! Thanks a lot:

Jason burst into the room without invitation.
“Where is it? Where is the fucking file?” he screamed.
“Can’t you … Jesus Christ … what’s happened? You look absolutely terrible! Sit down, please … sit down …” Wilson noted with sickening pleasure all the scratch marks and cuts and gouts on his face … the clotted blood oozing out of his nostrils …
“I am not going to sit down,” Jason hissed, keeping his temper at bay as much as possible. It was as if he was squeezing it into a small compartment, but it just wouldn’t fit.
“Well, I’ll let that be your decision,” Wilson replied, laughing hysterically to himself, trying his absolute best not to let even a smile crack onto his red, stubbly face. He plonked himself into his soft, leather chair, marvelling at the squeaky sound it made when he sat down, and poured himself a brandy. “Now are you sure you don’t want to sit down?”
“Don’t **** with me.”
“Well, that all depends on your definition of the word.” This time, Wilson giggled, and he almost shrieked with glee when he saw Jason’s hands tighten on the table edge.
“You are on your last warning,” Jason cried, “and I am trying to be civilized. You … you have destroyed the man I used to be. You have broken me down, screwed me up … and now … now … I am only asking for a simple favour. And you won’t give it to me. Shit, I have forgiven you. I HAVE FUCKING FORGIVEN YOU!”
“Really? Really now? Well aren’t I happy for you … now close the door after you have left.”
“I … I honestly can’t believe it.”
“Believe it. You are not getting your hands on the file. I have vans waiting outside for your collection. I have been expecting you. You have approximately five minutes to leave the building before they enter this room and execute you. It seems,” said Wilson, pointing to the marks on his face, “that you have had dealings with them already. And I am sure you have found them not so pleasant.” The old man got to his feet and placed his brandy on the table. He slyly cut his hand through the air toward Jason for a handshake, but Jason had slammed the door shut behind him before he could even see the gesture.
Immediately, Wilson picked up the phone.
This most certainly was not expected.
“Shit! Dave? Dave is that you? ****! He’s left! The bastard’s left! Get vans out here quick-time and shoot the fucker before he leaves the building!”

Jason zoomed down the corridor.

 

[Halo]

Hi Tommy,

I just want to say that it's difficult for the reader to appreciate the level of tension from a short extract like this. I know you want comments on just this part of your story, but what I mean is that whatever has gone on before will have probably added to the tension, and the reader of your extract is already at a "disadvantage" by not knowing what events led up to this exchange. Yes, we can infer some things, but we still don't know. Anyway...

I think you have created some tension with the language the characters use, particularly Jason, whose expletives show the stress he is under.

I think one thing that does break up the tension is the way you use many different verbs for "said". Jason screams, hisses and cries. I guess that you chose the words you did to show his strong emotion, but sometimes they just jar and draw the reader out of the action. They're fine used sparingly, but often there's nothing wrong with a simple "said".

And I didn't like "zoomed" in the last line - makes him sound like a racing car or something!

 

[tommydarascal]

Thanks a lot! That was really helpful!

 

[Doug Johnson]

Try reading the first chapter of The Firm. That's how you build suspense.

"You have destroyed the man I used to be. You have broken me down, screwed me up." People don't talk like that.

Profanity works better in moderation. Villains should only laugh hysterically - even to themselves - if you are doing a parody of a cheesy, hysterical villian.

"You have approximately five minutes to leave the building before they enter this room and execute you." "The ticking bomb" is a staple, but if it seems like the only reason the hero has five minutes is because, "the writer thought it would be more suspenseful that way" it's comes off like an old Batman episode.

You might also want to make the POV just the hero, or just the villian. When Starling and Hannibal chat, we never see inside his head. We just see and hear what Starling sees and hears. IMO, its spookier that way.

For example, if we are in the heros head, and Wilson is oddly chatty, delaying the hero, but the reader knows from the previous scene that the henchmen are on their way, but the hero is slow to figure out what's going out, it could be quite suspenseful.

 

[novella]

There's really no tension in this at all, but for what it is, I would cut it down to the following. You just have too much stuff.

_________________________________________



Jason burst into the room. He grabbed Wilson by the collar. “Where is the file?”

Wilson laughed.

“Don’t **** with me.” Jason said, his face inches from Wilson’s.

“You’re a joke, man,” Wilson said. “You’re not getting any file. I’ve been expecting you. They’re right outside, waiting.”

Jason pushed Wilson away and went for the door. “It’s not over,” he said, as the door slammed.

Immediately, Wilson picked up the phone. Jason was not as predictable as he had hoped.

“Dave? He’s left. The bastard’s left! Get vans out here quick-time and shoot the fucker before he leaves the building!”

 

[novella]

Tommy, it occurs to me that you're thinking more about screenwriting than about writing for readers. Just a thought. Either way, is this a scene you would really think was done well?

 

[tommydarascal]

No, probably not!
As I said, I didn't think this was very good, and I am glad that others have 'backed up' my opinion. Perhaps it would look better on-screen, but I think all this is a bit of a cliche, and if I wanted to grab the reader's attention I should do something more original.

Or maybe I should just stick to poetry ...

 

[tommydarascal]

Oooh, and Novella!

I thought your version was excellent!

 

[novella]

Thanks, tommy. Just try to leave more to the imagination.

Further to Doug's point, you'll see in my short version, that we're only inside Wilson's head--there's a line where we hear what he is thinking. You would have to chose a guy and stay there for the scene. You can always go into the other guy in another scene, or just 'replay' a scene from another's POV, but you shouldn't be in two or more heads simultaneously.

 

[tommydarascal]

That's a very good point.
The problem with me, as you have realised, is that I am too long winded and end up saying what should be left to the reader's imagination.
The points you have made have really helped me, and I am going to take them under serious consideration next time!

 

[Doug Johnson]

As Novella so artfully points out, and as you acknowledge, once you cut out the junk there's not much there.

But there's nothing wrong with writing clichés, in a first draft. If you can recognize them, you can easily eliminate them.

Lots of competent writers can edit out the junk and write efficient prose. IMO, creating the interesting stuff to put back in, is the tougher challenge.