The Closet

[ValkyrieRaven88]

Well, it appears I've acquired the bravery necessary to put a couple of poems up here. The rating is mostly for the subject it's about, which conservative parents wouldn't want their kids reading. I think this makes my sexual orientation fairly obvious. Yes, I am bisexual, and if you're conservative, I don't want to hear any "turn or burn" garbage.
I wrote this as a way to deal with a Baptist friend's rejection of me after discovering my "secret." I would appreciate constructive criticism.

I’m lying in my closet,
And my back is to the floor.
I wait to be released from it.
I’m staring at the door.
There are monsters on the other side.
They’re thirsty for the kill.
I know they smell me hiding here,
And wish to do me ill.

There are skeletons in this closet,
And they’re lying next to me,
Decayed reminders of the sins,
Of which I can’t be free.
A spider wanders down the wall.
I’m not allowed to shout.
I’d give them reason to peek in,
And by force drag me out.

The door is cracking open,
So I try to slam it closed.
The opener is oblivious,
To the secrets unexposed.
I’m running out of air in here,
My tiny prison cell.
There’s the chance that I could suffocate,
But only time will tell.

I cannot face these demons,
Who’d devour me without thought.
They would delight to make a meal,
Out of the prey they caught.
I huddle in the corner,
Praying for a saving light.
But does God send His angels,
To get sinners through the night?

I lay surrounded by old clothes,
And old, discarded toys.
A closet was made for these things,
Not little girls and boys.
When I’m the one who’s human,
How can the monsters victory win?
I’m still longing for freedom,
So I sit to pray again.

 

[mrkgnao]

I liked this. I think you have a good grip on using rhymes. It was commented on another of your poems that the rhythm falters a bit - too few or too many syllables - and that's true here too, but personally, I like that! If everything fits just so, usually it gets too formulaic. (Asymmetry is good for the soul)

I also like e.g. how you used details like the spider to show that the closet is a tangibly real place. And the way you use terms like 'demons', 'sins', 'praying' and 'angels' turns the matter into more than black-and-white, so I wish your Baptist friend would read it...


*mrkgnao*

 

[denny]

I certainly don't feel sufficiently knowledgeable about poetry to even attempt to critique your style, but it's certainly very moving, and a reminder that, unfortunately, we don't live in a world where everyone is accepted for who they are.

 

[*~EMMER~*]

i like how you are hiding in a closet. Because usually its the monsters in the closet and not the person. I hope your friend sees how stupid he is being

 

[ValkyrieRaven88]

LOL. I don't see any sign of that friend changing. We used to pretend we were sisters. I have picture after picture of us together, having a good time. But I'm sure her copies of those pictures went into the flames the second she found out. She abandoned me as emotionlessly as if she were throwing away a cheap old toy she never played with or liked in the first place. All that she meant to me was wasted; whatever I meant to her was so little that she regretlessly turned her back on me.

 

[*~EMMER~*]

awwwwwww bless. so much for christian compassion....*shrugs* sounds like ur better off

 

[ValkyrieRaven88]

I'm sure I am better off. I just wish I felt that way.

 

[GreenKnight]

Valkyrie - have you read a book called 'Earthly Powers' by Anthony Burgess? It is (apart from being a GREAT novel) just about the ultimate riposte to the religious intolerance of bi- and homosexuality. In short, it contains a rewriting of Genesis (but I won't try to describe how Burgess does it as it's best read in context). It also starts with the best opening sentence I have ever read...

A shame about your friend; I suspect most such reactions are based not on a reasoned judgement of the person being rejected, but on personal insecurity and fear.

P.S. as to the poem itself - great. Implicit always works better than explicit, and the speaker could be anyone; in a variety of other situations as well as your own. (Loved EMMA's comment too about monsters being a closet's usual inhabitants. V. perceptive, never would have thought of that one.)

 

[ValkyrieRaven88]

No, I have not read that. It sounds very interesting, though. I've heard of Anthony Burgess before but have never read him. I'll have to look that up.
Yes, it's definitely monsters who should go in the closet. My friend could find a nice little home there, don't you think?
Thanks for complimenting the poem; it means a lot coming from you. It actually started when I saw a pin that said "closets are for clothes" in my new best friend's room.