The Educated Bum

[-Carlos-]

These lines are just a brief (ideas only) piecing together of what may end up as a short story. At least that's my hope.

The Educated Bum

If he were a she, he, James, would be called Lucy. It was his gait that demanded such a (gender) name change. To a science buff James’ locomotion resembled that of our original primate. Like James though, primates only roamed about seeking daily sustenance. But unlike Lucy, James had something she never had - an aspiration to evolve into a civil member of society, a productive, tax-paying somebody.

James did not possess the piercing foulness that other unfortunates carried either. He kept himself clean and orderly thanks to the library bathrooms and a bar of soap he toted about in a gym bag: A King James Bible, with a slip of paper marking the Book of Job, one change of clothes, fruit (some days), and a large water bottle - these items made-up his earthly possessions.

He also carried a phone number in his memory; he would call Father Thomas if the previous night’s dime up yielded a coin or two. James had brotherly love for Father Thomas. The elderly priest was his anchor, his counselor, hope.

The library books became his only path out – so James prayed. His rose-colored complexion, grey hair, and bony shape made him almost invisible to anyone else seated among the quiet repository. In passing he would sometimes greet you with a quick bow of his head; a slight smile escaping on fair days.

__

 

[OReillysRose]

I am sure this may seem as if I am having a bit of fun at Aquablue/Carlos/Pontiac's expense, but it's got to be better than ignoring him and venting about his nonsense in private. I sincerely do hope that he pays attention, 'cause my time is precious, and does try to re-work his pieces and re-engage with his fellow forumites.

If he were a she, he, James, would be called Lucy. It was his gait that demanded such a (gender) name change.

Take out the second "he" - it's unnecessary. And lose the "(gender)" too - as I have said, readers are fairly intelligent beasts, they can work out what name change you refer to.

To a science buff James’ locomotion resembled that of our original primate.

Commas are our friend so, "to a science buff, James..." Can't you just say "movement"? Was "locomotion" really necessary? Or "stride"? Or even "shuffle"? What on earth has "locomotion" got about them? And I don't think you need to be a science buff to understand evolution. Us normal readers know that primate picture too.

Like James though, primates only roamed about seeking daily sustenance. But unlike Lucy, James had something she never had - an aspiration to evolve into a civil member of society, a productive, tax-paying somebody.

Eh? I though "Lucy" was a proposed name change? Is she now real? I am confused. And I've got a First Class Honours degree in English Language and Literature. But well done - I am confused.

And you mean "civilized member of society".

James did not possess the piercing foulness that other unfortunates carried either.

Piercing is associated with sound, not usually smell. But you, I guess, are trying to be original and novel here. It doesn't work, common collocations/connotation are common because they work and are instantly understandable. By all means go for original phrasing if there is stylistic or fresh point to make and you are a talented enough, experienced enough writer to get away with it - but you are not.

He kept himself clean and orderly thanks to the library bathrooms and a bar of soap he toted about in a gym bag: A King James Bible, with a slip of paper marking the Book of Job, one change of clothes, fruit (some days), and a large water bottle - these items made-up his earthly possessions.

"Toted" about? Just say carried or hauled. Much simpler. Unless he is a gunslinger.

Misplaced colon. Not mine, yours. "He kept himself clean and orderly thanks to the library bathrooms and a bar of soap he toted about in a gym bag" - the sentence should stop there. Then go onto to say 'In there too was..." or something to that effect.

And how many bathrooms did he visit for his morning absolutions? Did you need that to be plural? Did he wash in one, shave in another and toilet in yet another? 'Bathroom' is fine.

He also carried a phone number in his memory; he would call Father Thomas if the previous night’s dime up yielded a coin or two. James had brotherly love for Father Thomas. The elderly priest was his anchor, his counselor, hope.

This sentence just needs worked upon. Stop using colons and semi-colons. Short sentences are fine - one point, one clause. And, here's a biggy Pontiac, this may take your writing up a notch...instead of telling us that James had "brotherly love" or that Father Thomas was his "anchor", why don't you show us that by way of an event? Show, don't tell! Are we just supposed to accept what you tell us - why can't we work out how James feels about Father Thomas. Writing is then so much more fun for all concerned!

The library books became his only path out – so James prayed.

Huh? What now? Library books are his way out...uh huh, get that...so he... prays? Not reads? Not sits amongst the books and dream of faraway lives, lands? He prays. The second half of your sentence does not follow the first. You are not talented enough to juggle.

His rose-colored complexion, grey hair, and bony shape made him almost invisible to anyone else seated among the quiet repository.

Bony shape? His face or silhouette? His entire body?

"Almost" invisible? You could just say invisible - we understand that it's not meant literally. We is clever.

In passing he would sometimes greet you with a quick bow of his head; a slight smile escaping on fair days.

I actually like the second half of that sentence. It's nice.

I can hear you reaching for the pen and writing pad...

 

[OReillysRose]

I meant "ablutions" before anyone points it out. I know. I am tired.

 

[jaybe]

love the title.

 

[Libra]

I am sure this may seem as if I am having a bit of fun at Aquablue/Carlos/Pontiac's expense, but it's got to be better than ignoring him and venting about his nonsense in private. I sincerely do hope that he pays attention, 'cause my time is precious, and does try to re-work his pieces and re-engage with his fellow forumites.

I pondered over answering this for a while and decided I would.


Really? You must be well informed for a newbie,or you are someone we know ...


Nobody has ignored AB,it sure would be hard to,I think it's the other way around actually. He has recieved comments and really has done nothing with it.
Everyone's time is precious and if you have noticed he has not re-worked anything.

 

[sparkchaser]

AB is active on more than one forum and pretty much posts the same thing on all of those forums. He's like an accidental spammer or something.

I think OReillysRose is a genuinely new person to BAR.

 

[OReillysRose]

Really? You must be well informed for a newbie,or you are someone we know

Sparkchaser has stole the words from my mouth. AB/Pont/Carlos/Greenway is a prolific poster on many an internet book forum and I have come across him on a couple at least. He displays exactly the same behaviour on every single forum he joins and gets the short shrift. He got banned on Palimpsest, he got ignored and received terse comments on BookGroupOnline and he has survived here the longest.

Nobody has ignored AB,it sure would be hard to

Please re-read what I said. I noted that I couldn't go on ignoring someone who desperately needed the truth spelled out to him. And all that private head-shaking was doing my neck no good at all.

if you have noticed he has not re-worked anything.

No really? I am sure I made several comments to that effect in my posts.

And yes, I am genuinely a new member of B&R.

 

[pontalba]

And yes, I am genuinely a new member of B&R.

Welcome OReillysRose.


AIE: Sorry this is off-topic, but I could find no introduction thread by OReillysRose, and thought it would be brash of me to open one for her...just not done don't ya know. I was, however compelled to welcome her.

 

[Peder]

And yes, I am genuinely a new member of B&R.

So welcome, OReilly'sRose, on the occasion of our own combined abrasiveness finally driving a member to silence.

 

[sparkchaser]

Don't get excited yet, Peder. AB will be back. He posts for several days then drops off for a week or two. Such is his way.

 

[Peder]

I assume we will be all loaded up for him when he gets back.

 

[sparkchaser]

I assume we will be all loaded up for him when he gets back.

Ah gots me sum rock salt. Whatchew got?

 

[Peder]

Ah gots me sum rock salt. Whatchew got?

Ah got earplugs.

 

[SFG75]

I assume we will be all loaded up for him when he gets back.

YouTube - The Good, The Bad & The Ugly Theme 1966




:lol:

 

[Peder]

:lol::lol:
Raise ya one, SFG!

 

[OReillysRose]

Merci beaucoup.

I am genuinely perturbed that AB has seen fit to stomp off but I do feel that being a member of a forum means responding to posts, especially when you ask for responses in the OP, and conversing with others in a manners as you would expect from them. I wouldn't ask that AB refrains from participating just that he does listens to people and actively deal with criticisms made.

 

[Peder]

Though not pretty, I think that all in all it has worked out peaceably enough here, when compared to other places -- which is to the credit of management here.

 

[SFG75]

I don't believe that any of you clowns know how to write.

I would sign up for the BFA creative writing program at Full Sail University and watch my writing effloresce. Then again, I don't give a damn about writing a book.

Psssst!, Carlos-check out the link bro.

 

[Libra]

Sparkchaser has stole the words from my mouth. AB/Pont/Carlos/Greenway is a prolific poster on many an internet book forum and I have come across him on a couple at least. He displays exactly the same behaviour on every single forum he joins and gets the short shrift. He got banned on Palimpsest, he got ignored and received terse comments on BookGroupOnline and he has survived here the longest.

I know all that.

Please re-read what I said. I noted that I couldn't go on ignoring someone who desperately needed the truth spelled out to him. And all that private head-shaking was doing my neck no good at all.

uummm,I did.That is not what you said.This is:

I am sure this may seem as if I am having a bit of fun at Aquablue/Carlos/Pontiac's expense, but it's got to be better than ignoring him and venting about his nonsense in private. I sincerely do hope that he pays attention, 'cause my time is precious, and does try to re-work his pieces and re-engage with his fellow forumites.

and what I said was that he has not been ignored,members have given him recommendations on what to do with his work and he has ignored them just like you will be also.
So,venting about his nonsense in private means you were shaking your head all alone? how sad.



SFG, are you going to make me look for a clown avatar now? LOL

 

[OReillysRose]

Since we are playing the bolding game, I submit again for reading what I said:

I am sure this may seem as if I am having a bit of fun at Aquablue/Carlos/Pontiac's expense, but it's got to be better than ignoring him and venting about his nonsense in private.

The personal pronoun 'I' continues to qualify the ignoring and venting. I wasn't accusing anyone on B&R of doing that - just me.

And yes, I vented and shook my head alone - aren't we all physically alone when we participate in an online forum? Certainly, I have tried to encourage my family to watch me as I type on my laptop but oddly they seem a bit bored of that and prefer to watch telly instead. Plus the better half ain't into books that much - or pointless online discussions.