10 reasons you shouldn't see The Phantom Menace in 3D
1 It's terrible. Doesn't matter how good the 3-D effects are, they won't compensate for the fact that with its wooden acting, laborious plot and flat directing, "The Phantom Menace" is — given its expectations versus what it delivered — the most disappointing movie ever made.
2 Everyone agrees it's terrible. In 2002, I interviewed a "Star Wars" fan who admitted he didn't much care for "The Phantom Menace," but he still saw it in the theater 57 times. "Star Wars" fans are notoriously willing to put up with any shlock they're shoveled — another re-released DVD set? Sold! But isn't it time they stood up, pulled a Twisted Sister and said, "We're not gonna take it?"
3 It sends a bad message. "The Phantom Menace's" 3-D re-release follows a pair of high-profile Disney 3-D re-releases, "The Lion King" and "Beauty and the Beast," and arrives prior to the upcoming 3-D reissue of "Titanic." "The Lion King 3D" earned $94 million last year and the "Beauty and the Beast" re-release has grossed $42 million, sending a clear message to Hollywood: Please give us more of the same, because we will gladly pay for it. And in the case of "The Phantom Menace," the message is, "Even if the movie is terrible, we will still go see it in 3-D."
The effect is showing: In 2011, two of the year's Top 20 highest-grossing films were based on original ideas; the rest were sequels, franchise entries or films otherwise based on previously existing properties.
If you want this practice to continue, support "The Phantom Menace" in 3-D. It's a vote against originality.
4 George Lucas doesn't need the money. Seriously, he doesn't. And he doesn't care about you or your money. Your careless spending on all things "Star Wars" over the last 35 years has given him no reason to. (All of this is sort of your fault.) And to further prove this is all just a cash grab, the movie's being released this weekend in regular old 2-D as well. It's the exact samemovie you hated in 1999!
5 Your kids deserve better. If your argument is that the "Star Wars" movies are for kids and you're going because this is your first chance to take them to see "The Phantom Menace" on the big screen, I'd argue you show them a better movie instead. You own "How to Train Your Dragon," right? You can watch that. There, that was easy!
This may be the perfect opportunity to wean your children off the "Star Wars" franchise, because the last thing the world needs is another generation of kids slavishly devoted to the works of George Lucas. I believe the children are our future, and this is why I care.
6 It could halt the re-release of the other films. In my dream scenario, "The Phantom Menace" will make $0 this weekend, and I think if that was the case, the plans to re-release the rest of the "Star Wars" films in 3-D — they're currently slated to roll out once a year — will be halted. Given the level of devotion and self-loathing on the part of "Star Wars" fanboys, this likely won't occur, but if it does drastically less business than expected, it will send a message that we, as an audience, don't need your stinkin' "Star Wars" prequels. (The 3-D versions of the original "Star Wars" trilogy will be a steamroller that no one will be able to stop, so I won't even try.)
7 Do it for "Star Wars." "The Phantom Menace" is currently the seventh highest grossing film of all-time, with a total of $431 million in the bank. The re-release will likely push it up to No. 4, past "E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial" (No. 6, $435 million), "Shrek 2" (No. 5, $441 million) and the original "Star Wars" (No. 4, $460 million). Do you really want "The Phantom Menace" to be the highest grossing film of the "Star Wars" series? (The 3-D rerelease of "Star Wars" will likely eventually put it back on top, but still.)
8 It'sstill133 minutes. George Lucas often goes back and retools his films, changing them to fit his current whims. So how is it that he has yet to figure out a way to deliver this dog in fewer than 2 hours and 13 minutes?
9 Seriously, it's terrible. In 2009, RedLetterMedia.com uploaded an exhaustive 70-minute review of the film to YouTube that is far more entertaining than the film itself. Instead of watching "The Phantom Menace," watch that instead. It's not in 3-D, but at least it won't have you feeling like you've been suckered out of your money.
10 Jar Jar Binks. Case closed.
