The Pitt?

[King Kovifor]

OMG. I'm hooked. DId you write this as it's great. I don't think I'd change anything!

 

[sirmyk]

Not to worry, Gem... this is all just about helping each other out, right? And, for the record, I'm only brutal (mean spirited) if the writing is bad.

Jacob Gibbs was going on a mission. A secret mission.

The opening sentences sound a little tongue-in-cheek. Maybe combine the two into one ("It was then Jacob Gibbs decided he was going on a secret mission" or something similar) and move it a little later into the story, after we find out Jacob is a little fish in a big fishbowl. His parents dying is a much more effective "grabber" opening.

His parents were never home; they had too many people to impress, too many businesses to expand, too little time to do it all in. Jacob never let this bother him, in fact he was glad, it meant that he had all the time in the world to devote to his own projects without any interruption or looks of disapproval.

There are six "too" or to" words used in the first sentence of this paragraph, which is too many. Since this is for children, you may want to also consider breaking down some of your longer sentences into shorter sentences, or even moving some of them around. Children have small attention spa... look a bird!!!

The parents of Jacob Gibbs were never home [ or "Jacob Gibbs' parents were never home"... but I always hate pronouncing things like Gibseses ]. They were usually busy impressing others, or expanding upon their many businesses. They had little time to spend with thier only son, but Jacob never minded. In fact, he was glad they stayed out of his life. It meant he had more time to spend on some of his own projects, without interruption or looks of disapproval. However, this all changed the night his parents died. [ ka'bam! grabber opening... ]

It's not perfect, but it's a start.

That all changed the night his parents died. They were travelling on the TA- UT – the transatlantic underwater train. There was a technical mishap and everyone onboard drowned.

They were travelling on the TransAtlantic Underwater Train when it happened [ remove the TA-UT, confusing, unless you use it later in the story ]. Due to a technical mishap [ maybe briefly describe the mishap, but not with too much detail ], everyone onboard drowned.

Suddenly Jacob didn’t like the quietness in the house – couldn’t stand it. The rainforest he had been trying to cultivate in Cooks herb garden lost all its appeal and the bright allure of his gadget room dimmed. The normally bright smiling eleven year old now skulked around in the shadows of the large house, haunting it more effectively then any ghost.

Jacob didn't like living alone in his parent's empty, spacious house. He couldn't stand it. His projects also suffered. The rainforest he had cultivated lost its appeal, and the allure [ too strong of a word for children? "appeal"? ] of his gadget room diminished. Normally a bright and smiling eleven-year-old, Jacob now skulked [ another tough one? "lurked"? ] in the shadows, more haunting than any ghost.


Just grains of salt... my two cents... whatever you want to call it. Let me know if any of this is helping, or if I should continue...

 

[Gem]

Thanks King,

your enthusiasm is very motivating. Yes i did write it, but if its going to be anything near as good as it is in my head then i will have to make a few changes. Thank you for your post.

SirMyk,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my work and posting such a helpful reply. Reading another persons objective take is very very helpful, shows me my writing from a different perspective and has given me a few ideas to toy around with.
the shorter sentences tip is spot on. (I think I have an addiction to long sentences)

Not to worry, Gem... this is all just about helping each other out, right? And, for the record, I'm only brutal (mean spirited) if the writing is bad.

I've read a fair few of your posts and I don't think that your at at all mean spirited. Honest and blunt yes, sometimes a little frustrated and sarcastic - but considering that your taking your time out to read and reply, i figure you have every right to be.

Thanks for your post. And yes I will be asking you to continue taking a look at my dodgy writing but only after i've reworked it and ah hem 'improved' it.

 

[sirmyk]

You take criticism well. There are many self-proclaimed writers out there that believe their first draft is perfect, and take criticism as insult.

 

[Gem]

well i guess if you don't want criticism then you shouldn't post your work on a public forum.

I find this forum great, its useful getting feedback from people who don't know me and are objective. Kinda shows how well (or not) my writing communicates with potential readers.

 

[Elyse Mac]

Ok... I just want to say that I love love love the word "skulked." I think it's different than "injunction" because when you hear "skulked" you can kind of understand the action that goes along with it. So, I think you should keep "skulked" because it's awesome.
E

 

[magpie]

yep me too. i love the word skulked so visual. sirmyk makes some fair points but i didn't find his version as gripping for some weird reason. all the toos at the beginning - i do agree that writing wise they are too many but as reader it showed me how busy the parents were- like they drove that point home.

please finish it as i for one am hooked and wold love to read the whole book.

 

[Gem]

thanks Elyse and magpie.

its great getting so much advice.

 

[King Kovifor]

your welcome... I'd add a few hints of thigns to be... That's what my teacher always says.