The Snatchers by Eugen M. Bacon

[Eugen]

The Snatchers

Work in progress, removed from post. To be published soon.

 

[interbac]

Well done

Very interesting read. Intrigued to see what others say. Won't stop me liking it!

 

[direstraits]

Good action, very well done! The change in perspective from Art to Sherrie was a little abrupt, though.

ds

 

[Eugen]

bang to sub...

Appreciate, ds. Critiques improve my work, always. Never had a first shot that ran perfect. Guess we love our babies too much, burps come invicible, huh?

 

[direstraits]

You got it. But you've never seen mine yet - it's a thousand times worse than yours.

ds

 

[Eugen]

Looked for you on showcase so I could see your work. Zip. How come?

You got it. But you've never seen mine yet - it's a thousand times worse than yours.

ds

 

[nighthawk]

Hi Eugen Interesting story, descriptive and reads well. I particularly liked the end twist but think that could be a little sharper as it is meant to hit you. But that is just my opinion. If you changed it everytime someone made a suggestion it would never be your own.

 

[Eugen]

Great thought, Nighthawk. It probably would end better without the last two sentences; ... and closed his eyes reads tighter. El Diablo was a stab I couldn't resist - indulging my whim. Naughty. Guess what? Off it goes!

Hi Eugen Interesting story, descriptive and reads well. I particularly liked the end twist but think that could be a little sharper as it is meant to hit you. But that is just my opinion. If you changed it everytime someone made a suggestion it would never be your own.

 

[direstraits]

Looked for you on showcase so I could see your work. Zip. How come?

Aw shucks... I haven't completed it yet. I've been wanting to post a little piece here for a while already and let everyone point out the stuff that's wrong with it. But Real Life keeps intruding.

Not yet though. I write a lot of crap, but let me build a reasonable body of work/crap before I let you see it...

ds

 

[Ell]

Great thought, Nighthawk. It probably would end better without the last two sentences; ... and closed his eyes reads tighter. El Diablo was a stab I couldn't resist - indulging my whim. Naughty. Guess what? Off it goes!

I like the idea behind the last 2 lines. How about something like:

He ripped it open. A godawful stench filled the air. "Aww, CRAP!"

Or still too self-indulgent?

I liked the fight sequence with Sherrie - though I think you could have made her reaction/actions even more vicious. If that were me and my baby, I'd have been a lot more outraged and vicious. Have you heard the saying, "You'd kill for your husband, but you'd die for your child"?

Liked it overall.

 

[Occlith]

"Sherrie Porter wheeled a purple Graco pram...A beautiful moon lit her path"
A lone woman with a baby in a park at nighttime is unrealistic. It detracts from the realism of other events in the story.

 

[Eugen]

I like the idea behind the last 2 lines. How about something like:

He ripped it open. A godawful stench filled the air. "Aww, CRAP!"

Or still too self-indulgent?

I liked the fight sequence with Sherrie - though I think you could have made her reaction/actions even more vicious. If that were me and my baby, I'd have been a lot more outraged and vicious. Have you heard the saying, "You'd kill for your husband, but you'd die for your child"?

Liked it overall.

Ell: 'Aww, CRAP!' is absolutely fab. Self-indulgent but by god, fab. Posting update shortly. If I added more action/ reaction to Sherry, however, it would border on melodrama, methinks.

Occlith: Now there's a thought. Was a bit dim (a bit romantic, maybe) to have her stroll in a dangerous park with a bambini by moonlight. Verisimilitude is very important.

Ds: darn it! Get that work out! Never be afraid of critiques; they might be your best friends.

At this rate, I'll end with: And Jack the giant-slayer climbed down the stalk.

Keep them coming!