The Undead, a poem (and not one about D&D)

[novella]

You're a good sport, Acolyte. I'll look at another when I have a sec.

Your suggestion to get the thing out of the fantasy world and onto Earth is on the money. Which is to say, it can still have the fantastical elements, but try to insert more about the real situation.

Also, when you come up with an image, ask yourself if the way that you're describing it really works. For instance, 'in my cruel hand a sabre', not a cruel sabre, or "her cruel tongue a sabre, bloody with wounding words" This type of bloody-corpse stuff really dominates whatever is going on beneath the surface, BTW.

 

[leckert]

I see "blankly" here. Maybe it was changed before I got here?

If it is "stares blankly past two molten orbs", would "without emotion" work?

 

[Acolyte]

I did, in fact, change it. Wonderful thing, that edit button.

And I like blankly better than without emotion.

I am working on this, novella, not just saying things like "good point" and ignoring you *grin*. It's not a particularly easy poem for me to revisit, but I'm chugging along in my usual style, which is to write 97% absolute crap and a very tiny bit of something that actually means something.

 

[Vespertilio91]

I really like this. It's very good, and the words flow great, but I felt very very lost at times with the large words. My old English teacher gave us a paper on poetry and right on top it said 'keep the words simple, otherwise the reader will have no idea what you want to convey, and pulling out a dictionary is not the best way to read poetry.'

Just wanted to tell you that. I'm simple. I don't like to be confused.