The Wolf

[*~EMMER~*]

For some reason my favourite way of writing is small with no conversation. does anyone else prefer this way?? and would you call this a poem?? im a lil bit confused. Also any type of feedback, good or bad, coz im only a beginner...

The wolf​

The wolf slunk through the darkness like a fish in water, perfectly suited to the jet black world it survived in. Hot, fresh blood dripped from its wet nose as it stalked it's latest victim. The young doe had managed to free itself from the wolf's steel like jaws, but not without the hound leaving its mark embedded in the deer's skin. The gash in it's neck left a satisfyingly clear trail of where it had gone; the hunter had only to follow the blood through the woods. The scent of blood to a wolf, is as clear as a road to a human, but with less chance of getting lost.

*emma*

 

[manatherindrell]

I don't really like to write conversation either, it's hard. I do like what I read here but there are some unnessecary words (I marked them in bold) that I think ruin the flow of the piece. Also there a some part that could use some rewording (italics)

The wolf slunk through the darkness like a fish in water, perfectly suited to the jet black world it survived in. Hot, fresh blood dripped from its wet nose as it stalked it's latest victim. The young doe had managed to free itself from the wolf's steel like jaws, but not without the hound leaving its mark embedded in the deer's skin. The gash in it's neck left a satisfyingly clear trail of where it had gone; the hunter had only to follow the blood through the woods. The scent of blood to a wolf, is as clear as a road to a human, but with less chance of getting lost.

 

[G4G]

Something to bear in mind when writing a short story like that - or anything for that matter - is your punctuation. I guess what I'm saying is that people are going to be more alert to mistakes when reading something short.

 

[Miss Shelf]

The wolf​

The scent of blood to a wolf, is as clear as a road to a human, but with less chance of getting lost.

*emma*

I don't understand this at all. Written this way, you're saying that the scent of blood has less chance of getting lost.

I agree with CDA-learn the difference between "it's" and "its". As to manatherindrell's remarks, I don't see why those words need to be changed.

 

[F.M.Thompson]

Writer's Clinic

Hello Miss Shelf (come down and write)

I intuit that you have a strong visual response to material that you wish to convey, and summon adjectives to carry the body of your thought.

The ideas are good-if somewhat psychologically transparent. Remember, like the dream world, we are every character in the fiction that we use to describe another. I believe that this applies to all forms of creativity as well, describing foundational beliefs-the fundamental core views of one's world to the reading audience.

Experiment with paragraphs-they build tension and separate themes. Chop it up, cut and paste; re-assemble with the thought of analyzing how it sounds when ideas are moved around. Master the comma, and the semi-colon; they reinforce emphasis and lubricate concepts.

I believe that writng can save your life, especially if you feel misunderstood, as I am sure that we all sense, from time to time. It's great fun too! It is the essential realm of the control freak!

My opinion only-Frederick

 

[manatherindrell]

As to manatherindrell's remarks, I don't see why those words need to be changed.

I just feel that some of the words are unnessecary. Let me show you. Sorry if you feel I'm nitpicking. I'm like that , though I hope not as bad as stewart.

The wolf slunk through the darkness like a fish in water, perfectly suited to the jet black world it survived in. Hot, fresh blood dripped from its wet (Why wouldn't its nose be wet, it's an obvious trait that doesn't need explaining unless you are going to expand on it) nose as it stalked it's latest (Same reason as his nose being wet) victim. The young doe had managed to free itself from the wolf's steel like (I find this word awkward and if it's left out it brings a stronger mental image.) jaws, but not without the hound leaving its mark embedded (I'm rethinking this one, I think I like it now.) in the deer's skin. The gash in it's neck left a satisfyingly (Instead of using satisfyingly you could expand that idea into another couple of sentances it feels like you took the easy way out.) clear trail of where it had gone; the hunter had only to follow the blood through the woods. The scent of blood to a wolf, is as clear as a road to a human, but with less chance of getting lost.(The idea expressed in the sentance is very good but it's awkwardly written.)

 

[Miss Shelf]

I just feel that some of the words are unnessecary. Let me show you. Sorry if you feel I'm nitpicking. I'm like that , though I hope not as bad as stewart.

Stewart is very good at finding flaws; many times he points out things that I overlooked. If I ever finish a book I'm going to let him read it first-I figure that criticism from him would be more praise than from someone not as nitpicky who would tell me "it's terrific" when it really needs work.

Anyway, here's my opinion of your opinionyour comments are in italics, my latest are in bold)

The wolf slunk through the darkness like a fish in water, perfectly suited to the jet black world it survived in. Hot, fresh blood dripped from its wet (Why wouldn't its nose be wet, it's an obvious trait that doesn't need explaining unless you are going to expand on it) nose You have a point here.

as it stalked it's latest (Same reason as his nose being wet) victim.

I disagree-it gives the impression it's made a kill and is looking for its next victim.



The young doe had managed to free itself from the wolf's steel like (I find this word awkward and if it's left out it brings a stronger mental image.) jaws,

I disagree-saying "the wolf's steel jaws" make it seem that the wolf has had a bionic jaw implant.


but not without the hound leaving its mark embedded (I'm rethinking this one, I think I like it now.) in the deer's skin. The gash in it's neck left a satisfyingly (Instead of using satisfyingly you could expand that idea into another couple of sentances it feels like you took the easy way out.)

I disagree, perhaps because in this short passage (I can't call it a short story) we don't know whether the focus will be on the wolf or the hunter.

clear trail of where it had gone; the hunter had only to follow the blood through the woods. The scent of blood to a wolf, is as clear as a road to a human, but with less chance of getting lost. (The idea expressed in the sentance is very good but it's awkwardly written.)

I still don't know what the idea here is. A good writer should make things clear to all readers.

 

[manatherindrell]

Stewart is very good at finding flaws; many times he points out things that I overlooked. If I ever finish a book I'm going to let him read it first-I figure that criticism from him would be more praise than from someone not as nitpicky who would tell me "it's terrific" when it really needs work.

Don't get me wrong, I've learned a lot from reading his posts, but he tends to get a bit mean when he sees things he doesn't like.

 

[Miss Shelf]

I think it's good practice. You think if you get published that every critic in the world is gonna love what you wrote? Stewart's doing people a favor by making them get a thicker skin.

 

[*~EMMER~*]

thanks you guys. i've never got so many remarks on such a small peice before
I have to say that the 'wet nose' sentence is a bit obvious, as everyone says dogs have wet noses etc.

as it stalked it's latest (Same reason as his nose being wet) victim.

I disagree-it gives the impression it's made a kill and is looking for its next victim

I don't quite see manatherindrell's problem with this word. I wrote it in to imply that the wolf has made kills before and will do again. Kinda to show that its a professional.

The young doe had managed to free itself from the wolf's steel like (I find this word awkward and if it's left out it brings a stronger mental image.) jaws,

I disagree-saying "the wolf's steel jaws" make it seem that the wolf has had a bionic jaw implant.

Okay, i was just trying to think of a better word than 'strong' and i said 'steel like' to show thats his jaws were strong, but not actually metal. i didn't want you guys to think i had made up some sort of robotic killer.

The gash in it's neck left a satisfyingly (Instead of using satisfyingly you could expand that idea into another couple of sentances it feels like you took the easy way out.)

I put satisfyingly in to show that although the wolf had lost its prey, it was pleased that it could find it again so easily.

The scent of blood to a wolf, is as clear as a road to a human, but with less chance of getting lost. (The idea expressed in the sentance is very good but it's awkwardly written.)

I still don't know what the idea here is. A good writer should make things clear to all readers.

Ok now i definately agree. all i was trying to say was that the blood made it really clear where the deer had gone, but i probably wrote it in the weirdest way (not a good idea) sorry.

Thanks
*emma*

 

[crab3]

The gash in it's neck left a satisfyingly clear trail of where it had gone; the hunter had only to follow the blood through the woods. The scent of blood to a wolf, is as clear as a road to a human, but with less chance of getting lost.

The gash in its neck left a satisfyingly clear trail of where it had gone; the hunter had only to follow the blood through the woods, a path all the more clearer to (a/the) wolf, than road to man.

"satisfyingly clear trail of where it had gone."

why this is odd to me, i don't know, but it is for some reason, i will think on it and hopefully come up with the answer.

the use of the word 'human' here, instead of like 'man,' in my suggestion, i think is a better way of making the point. often the use of 'human,' makes me think of science fiction overdone. we don't know the context of course, but i don't read it as science fiction, but maybe a narrative of watching a wolf, and to me, 'man,' is a smoother, more tactful way.......did i say that right.

my suggestion for the last few lines is juvenile really, as i have given it little thought, though i will print out the original text and give more thought to it.

i really like the little passage though, not so much poetry, but a fine excerpt in the making, once the above mentioned kinks are worked out.

crabs><>