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Venting...

spikeyli

spikeyli

New Member
I have a cousin who seems to quit every job she ever held in less than a year, the most common complaint is the job is too tiring or works her too hard. She does have a decent education (made it through middle school) and barely speaks English. The jobs she typically gets are either waitressing at Chinese restaurants or until recently, she upgraded to lunch room lady at the CIA. Needless to say, she quit that job yesterday saying it was too tiring and all the work has made her crazy. I pretty much came to the conclusion that the bitch is just lazy. Get this, she is divorced with 2 kids and she just decided to live off the child support and little alimony she gets from her ex. Since it's summer, she dumped her kids on her parents in China so she can go to Hawaii with her new boyfriend.

I am a CPA and I work my ass off all year round. I hardly ever complain about my job, which is a whole lot more demanding than lunch room lady at the CIA (she works 5 hours a day). So it drives me nuts when she gripes. Am I out of line here, is it that hard for her or am I right that she's just a lazy bitch? I mean come on, I work from 9 AM-11 PM and I still manage to take care of my husband, house, and dog. She has 2 kids she dumps on other people, she doesn't cook or clean, and SHE'S the one who's tired and complaining about the job?
 
spikeyli take a deep breath...:D
Your cousin sounds just like someone I know. No matter how annoying you may find it, just let it slide off your back - at the end of the day you are working hard for yourself and for your family and that's all that matters. If she chooses not to then that is down to her. If you can't change her then quit getting frustrated about it and just concentrate on what you're doing.:)

Today I have nothing to vent - except stupid gmail won't let me sign in.:(
 
People make excuses when they are really to blame. That's all what it boils down to. I do know of your situation though as a mutual family "friend"("it" is connected by marriage to someone who actually is a friend) and he is exactly the same way.
 
I think many of us can relate to haw you feel. I have a few family members who you basically described in your post. I usually work 56 hours a week to keep up with customer purchase orders. I have a cousin who has nothing/does nothing who just took off for a month long backpacking trip through Europe.

I guess I am just jealous. I made the decision to have the bills and responsabilities of a career. It sometimes feels good to vent.:)
 
Normally it doesn't bother me, I'd just write it off as my cousin being her lazy self. The reason I'm pissed this time is because she is being an irresponsible mother. She's so busy dating her new boyfriend these days she dumps her kids on my parents and now her parents in China. A few months ago, her kids called my parents to ask if they can bring them something to eat because they were starving. My idiot cousin left them packs of raman noodles to eat and didn't even have the decency to be home to cook it for them. She taught the kids to "cook" the ramans by using hot water from the sink faucet.:mad: The day those kids called my dad, my cousin put the ramans too high for the kids to reach so at 9 PM they called the closest person they can think. My dad stayed with those kids until 11 PM when my cousin came home from her date (and no she did not hire baby sitters, her kids are 8 and 10) and when she found out my dad brought dinner for the kids, she just said thanks and went to bed. Arrrgggghhhhh:mad:

With her going off to Hawaii for a week, she dumped her kids' pet birds on my parents and now ask if either I or my parents take the birds permanently. I could just strangle her.

I've done a lot the past few years helping her get on her feet. I helped her with her divorce, financial problems, even had my husband fix her house for her. Not only does she not appreciate it, she demands it. She is the most selfish brat I ever known. And honestly, although she is family, I don't blame her husband one bit for leaving her ass. This woman came to the States to married a rich guy, he sent her to school so she can get a GED (which she's been studying for for 10 years and still didn't pass), bought her a BMW so she can get around, bought her a house because she wants to live far away from his parents (he's very close to his family), when she said she didn't want to work he let her be a full time stay home mom, and when she complained it was hard to take care of two kids he got her a nanny! The nanny took care of the kids and housework, so all she did was go shopping and putz around the house. Then she divorced him bc he was cheating on her and was disgusted with the way she raised their kids. The man works 14 hour a day and came home to her bitching and her laziness. Granted he shouldn't have cheated, but he wasn't going to leave her because of the kids. Still, she wanted a divorce, fought to get the kids bc she wanted to keep the house, the car, and get child support money and she was afraid to live alone. Fine, but now she doesn't take care of her kids either. I feel so sorry for the little ones.

Oh there was a typo in my first post, I meant to say "she does NOT have a decent education and barely speaks English".
 
I know someone like your cousin as well. I'm sure everyone does, to some extent...perhaps you should point out to her that she doesn't have it that bad. You're right; your cousin is lazy. There may be some problem like depression to blame, or it may just be her, but she needs to get over it. Talk to her about it. If she doesn't know there is a problem (and she might not realize there is), someone needs to tell her.

Your cousin in my aunt could be the same person, except my aunt speaks English... My aunt has been known to lock her kids and the ones she is baby-sitting in a room all day while they were screaming to be let out because they're hungry and have to go to the bathroom. She also can't hold a job down, is extraordinarily rude, and is the epitome of hypochondria. And she's a religious fanatic. ^^

I feel sorry for the little kids. I hope they're happier where they are now...but, damn, that is irresponsible.
 
your first post i just felt empathy, because i can relate. i think everyone knows at least one person like that (a total narcissist). however, this post just literally pisses me off (excuse my language). she is a bitch. and i definitely don't advocate infidelity, but she probably got what she had coming and if she enjoyed her lifestyle so much (and probably didn't want to put-out on top of it, especially if it was too much work), she should have just stayed with him to keep her lifestyle and thanked her lucky stars she got such a great free ride (in more ways than one).

but what really gets me the angriest is the way she treats those kids. he needs to go back to court and get them back. that is horrible. it is nothing short of abuse.

i would just tell her to shut up when she starts complaining, that you just don't care to hear it and to go cry on someone else's shoulder. she sounds like a waste of a human being. (i edited that as i didn't mean it to sound like YOU needed to cry on someone else's shoulder, but she needs to - you vent away as much as you need to. i could tell you stories about my MIL that would make your blood boil. i am in a horrid mood today because of her and she is another lazy person that blames the world for her problems, when she brings it all on herself. and to top it off she is a spoiled b*tch, too - again pardon my language - i don't usually talk like that!)
 
Neglect includes (1) failure to provide a child with food, clothing, shelter and/or medical care; and/or (2) leaving a child in a situation where the child is at risk of harm.
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Spikeyli, dear heart,
Your cousin is neglecting her children. If the children are in the United States, child neglect is against the law and so is failure to report child neglect. The identity of people who report child neglect is kept confidential. Child Protective Services will investigate your cousin and continue investigating until they are confident that her children are not in danger.

And please don't call your cousin lazy because she doesn't have a job. You can't make enough money at a minimum wage job to cover child care. Children are expensive. And high quality men generally don't want to date women with children.

As for the complaining, she gets a payoff (sympathy) when she complains, so you probably aren't going to be able to get her to stop. If she takes responsibility for her actions (such as apologizing for her behavior), then it's worth telling her that it is upsetting you. Otherwise, just limit contact with her. And don't let other people (such as your relatives) discuss her bad behavior with you, because that will just put you in the middle and frustrate you more.

And don't do favors for her if she can't be bothered to thank you and pay you back. I know she doesn't have much money, but she ought to be able to think of SOMETHING that you would really enjoy that takes a lot of time and effort. Unless she's impossibly self-centered and spoiled.

Just take the high road. She's going to be miserably unhappy the rest of her life. Her children will leave her when they are old enough to get jobs. She will never have much money. She will drive off everybody with her constant complaining and self-centered behavior.
 
but her lack of wanting to keep one is laziness. i agree with spikeyli. i know people like that and they don't just have minimum wage jobs. i don't think she ever said it was minimum wage anyways, plus her ex pays her child support and alimony and she just wants to live off that and not work - that is her point. also, apparently she leaves her children alone anyways, so she doesn't bother with childcare. he paid for a nanny once, he probably would again if she would get a real job and get off her lazy butt.

HOWEVER, I do completely agree that she should call CPS. i thought about that last night and this morning and was going to post it.
 
I feel for you spikeyli... I won't know what to do with her if she were family. Didn't someone tell her off?

ds
 
Thanks for your input guys, I really appreciate the chance to just vent.

First, my cousin IS lazy, that's why she quits every damn job she had had. It's not like jobs aren't offered to her, heck her husband and my parents got her jobs left and right. She just refuse to keep them. She was never fired, she just keep quitting because she doesn't want to work. She wants to live off her child support and alimony and stay home.

Second, yes she does neglect her children. But their father don't want them either. The kids are now 8 and 10 and they're already pretty set in their ways. The father is disgusted with the way those kids are raised by my cousin (she doesn't discipline them nor does she teach them right from wrong) but he's not willing to do his part of parenting either. I am the closest thing those kids have to role model and I honestly don't see them that much. The little girl aspires to be like me but my cousin keeps teaching her that being pretty is all that matters. Now she got the little girl to behave just like her, to give up on anything remotely challenging.

Third, I do consider calling CPS because my cousin still bathe those kids together. Now her son peeps on his sister when she gets dress. And the last time I checked on those kids, the daughter had green teeth. Enough said. My only reservation about calling CPS is she will most likely lose the kids (not having a job and the kids being a mess and all), those kids will go into foster care because their father won't take them (he's busy with his new girlfriend too) and they'll just be bouncing around the system. At least now they have some extended family sort of looking after them.

Fourth, I did talk to my cousin about her whining and her behavior. Nothing has sunk in. She is completely self centered and spoiled, she does nothing but serve herself. In fact, everybody in my family have already had some sort of talk with her already. She said she's been in a rotten marriage for 10 years and now she wants to date and enjoy being loved. That's all nice and dandy but she's also a mother, and her obligation to those kids should come first. Obviously she thinks otherwise.

And finally, Stewie, kids are cheap to buy but expensive to keep. She has no problem popping them out, she just has a problem making sure they live a decent life.

Those kids are on their way of growing up to be hoodrats and there's nothing we can do to stop it. It's hard to teach kids discipline and morality when every thing you say their mother undoes and refuse to enforce. And the kids will listen to their mother more than a distant cousin.
 
Well, would your parents be willing to take them in? If CPS did remove them and the dad refused to take them (how horrid), then they would likely want relatives first before putting them in permanent foster care. I have friends who foster and they do the kids they get a world of good and 8 and 10 aren't too late to learn proper moral behavior and respect. That dad is just making excuses.

I still think someone should intervene whether it be your parents, if they are willing, just on a private level or if CPS were to get involved (as much as I really despise some of what I do see that organization do, varying by state and counties of course, but look at the corruption in Florida - thinking of a recent 20/20 story and then that little girl that literally got LOST in the system and no one could find where she was - it is horrid)!
 
spikeyli said:
And finally, Stewie, kids are cheap to buy but expensive to keep.
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Thanks for your patronisation.

For what it's worth, if you just get a cage you can put them in that and toss in some scraps every night. ;)
 
Spikeyli,
I'm not even sure that CPS will think that your cousin is worth investigating. I do not think that CPS will immediately remove your cousin's children from the home, if they do investigate. CPS does that when the children are in severe immediate danger, such as when a parent is physically abusive.

CPS works with parents to get the parents to change their behavior. CPS would really prefer that the children stay with their parents or relatives.

I know that your cousin has ignored all your advice. I thought that just being investigated by CPS would be enough to severely embarrass your cousin and make her realize that she can't get away with treating her children like she does. CPS has enough authority to give your cousin a big wake-up call and force her to change. I wish you would reconsider your decision.
 
Stewart said:
Thanks for your patronisation.

For what it's worth, if you just get a cage you can put them in that and toss in some scraps every night. ;)
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No thanks, I already got a dog.:p
 
I know if my cousin gets investigated by CPS, the last thing she will feel is embarrassment, she'll feel more rage than anything and will most likely take it out on her kids. Also there's another issue if we involve CPS, my cousin doesn't speak English well so they would assign someone who is Chinese or maybe have a Chinese translator. From my experience, those people tend to either sugar coat things when translating or completely ignore the issue. The Chinese community is very protective of their people and often times ignore signs of abuse. I can't tell you how horrid the statistics of child abuse within Chinese families. Recently study by UNICEF shows 1/3 of Chinese children had been physically abused and more than 1/2 mentally abused or neglected. There had been recently cases where Chinese parents abuse their kids and their reasoning is its culturally accepted to "discipline" the kids.

And no my parents won't take those kids, nor should they have to. Those are my cousin's kids, they are her responsibility. My parents live on a very humble retirement income, they can't afford to raise two kids when they can hardly afford to live for themselves. I have to supplement my parents' income monthly so no way should they take those kids.

My cousin doesn't have any family in this country other than us. The father's family would take the son but not the daughter (they're Vietnamese, the girl is worthless to them), I don't think it's right to break them up and also his family is very abusive as well. The only logical choice left is me and my husband. We don't have any kids of our own and we both make very good money. However, we also plan to have kids in a couple of years and although we don't mind taking the girl, we refuse to take in the boy. He already showed signs of being a sexual deviant (probably has to do with my cousin showering him and his sister together since birth and still does it now) and we will not have him be around our kids. Also if we bail my cousin out of this one, she will never grow up and learn the life lesson. She needs to accept responsibility and deal with it, if we keep bailing her out, she'll get off with a free ride again.

My parents and I already talked to my cousin about her behavior, it didn't sink in. She couldn't see beyond her own wants and pretty much ignore our advice. It's pointless to talk to her again, honestly I'm exhausted from our previous talks already.

And yes the father is scum too, he is just as selfish as my cousin in this. Both make horrible parents and I can only hope that the girl won't grow up and take after her mother. The boy already acts like a jerk, totally takes after his father. He's a compulsive liar and he puts his sister down all the time. He refuse to admit errors and I've caught him saying arrogant and insensitive things to the nanny (while they still had one).
 
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