Who do you Marry & how do you know they are the one?

[mehastings]

People who don't get married, I think, want to keep the option of walking away any time they feel like it. Things aren't working out? You feel restless? Walk away from it. It's a free country, right? To me, legal marriage is a mutual agreement not to just walk away from each other, but to treat your relationship as an important, binding, indivisible unit.

Of course contracts can be broken, but they exist for good reasons. They are a statement of mutual intent and shared purpose.

I don't really think that not being married makes for less of a commitment to each other.

My best friend recently got divorced. Her entire relationship, dating, engagement, wedded bliss and wedded not so bliss lasted less than 4 years. They had their money separate, bills seperate, cars separate, each had their own pet. They rented an appartment. The only property in the divorce was some furniture, a microwave and the contents of the liquor cabinet.

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and have been living together for most of them. We were extremely close before we started dating, so it wasn't long before we were co-habitating. We own a house and two cars. We have a dog (who we treat like a child). All of our money is in joint accounts, our debt is in both our names. Our will leaves everything to each other and after that to OUR niece and nephew (who call me Auntie even though we have no blood relation). I trust him implicitly, but I know many people who hide things from their spouces.

My friend's divorce took absolutely no time once she found out he was cheating. My relationship though...try walking away from that. We'd obviously need to get a divorce lawyer involved. I'm more than willing to remain unmarried for the rest of my life just to buck society's expectations. My kids can have his name, my name or a hyphonated name. I honestly don't care all that much. I think that too much emphasis is placed on a piece of paper that these days can be nullified in 24 hours through the Dominican Republic.

 

[honeydevil]

i don't think that i belong here, since i don't really believe in marriage... i actually think that you don't have to get married anymore, you don't have to commit, you can be independent and happy, you don't have to have your perfect wedding and this stuff, and i actually think that for some people it can become normal and you stop seeing the person you live with, you know this person is there but you don't really pay any attention anymore... for other people it is different..
I also think that if you don't have the piece of paper that binds you to each other, you have to fight more for the person you live with, you have to make sure that this person feels loved and needed... So in the whole i think you can get married or you can just live together... or anything else that makes you happy for that matter..

 

[Jenem]

i agree with Novella's assessment of marriage. it's exactly the reason i married my husband (Matt). i wanted to declare publicly to Matt that i want to spend my life with him. to me, common law marriage seems like you have a foot in the door, and that wasn't good enough for us.

the problem with marriage is that people don't take it seriously enough nowadays. some view it only as piece of paper and therefore devalue it as meaningless. i think these people really miss the point. and instead of explaining the point, i will refer to Novella's well written earlier posts. others don't take marriage seriously enough when they enter into it, or after they've made the leap. examples of this are everywhere. some people take to TOO seriously. ever see those relationships where the couple is together for 10 years, then get married and divorce a year later?

i fell for Matt pretty quick. we dated for a few months, broke up for a few years then got back together. we dated 2 years and lived together for 3 years before getting married- it was just the natural thing for us to do. i would have insisted, though, because i also don't think you can truly know a person until you live with them. in retrospect, our living together before marrying probably saved us. our first year living together was absolute hell. we're celebrating 3 years in July and couldn't be happier. it's work- but it's worth it.

 

[lovermuffin]

OK, I may be wrong here, but I think that a big reason for the high divorce rate in America could be caused by the media. The images of "what is hott" bombardes us every day, and many people think that perfection is walking around everywhere: "I don't like living with you anymore, but there are a ton of other people I could meet who would be better than you". There are a ton of ways to meet people nowadays online, through bars, tv shows... its endless and shallow. Many people think that it would be easier to find someone else rather than work on the immediate problems facing them, and an accepted view of divorce just makes it easier.

 

[bobbyburns]

before I get smacked down, let me begin by saying that I'd never tell someone not to get married. if that's your thing then that's fine. but it seems like kind of a worthless gesture if all you want out of it is a sense of security, so that neither of you can walk away unless you want to make it a public declaration. I mean, what's so great about creating a personal barrier that you're afraid to cross? it's like holding a gun to your head the whole time...

 

[magemanda]

Just picking up something that Kook mentioned earlier regarding blushing brides... I would rather have a small and intimate wedding than a huge sprawling bridezilla affair. For me, the wedding is not an end in itself, it's a means to an end. I would rather spend a whole heap of money on a fabulous honeymoon where I and my new husband begin our wedded life together. I think that's worth more than a big affair where you don't know half the people who attend. I want the people there to care for me and to care for the fact that I have publically committed to another.

I haven't planned a wedding in minute details. I have no real idea of how the day will go. But I am looking forward to that day, because it will kick off a new era in my own life - one where society sees me as a wife.

 

[Motokid]

"I would rather have a small and intimate wedding than a huge sprawling bridezilla affair"

Our wedding guest list was about 35 people long. We had an outdoor wedding in June in the courtyard of a nice Hotel, and a nice sit down dinner after inside one of the hotel's meeting rooms. Spent that night in the hotel, then went to Myrtle Beach, S.C. for a week the very next day.

For my wife and I it was the perfect wedding. Nothing but immediate family and a few close friends. Small, but lots of fun and no goofy expectations.

Single people, and those that think they don't believe in marriage are more than welcome to take part in this thread. I want to hear all viewpoints. They are all valid. I will say that I think some people, who swear they will never get married for whatever reason, have simply not found that one person they fall head-over-heels in love with. If/when you find that one person who really rocks your world you'd be surprised at the goofy things you'll do to make that person happy.

 

[Geenh]

There were 6 people at our ceremony not including the celebrant. We went out for dinner afterwards and everyone paid not only their way but ours. What a surprise that was! The celebrant said that the 6 of us were like 100! It was great!

 

[Motokid]

You've got quite a story geenh. I'm sure you realize that your relationship goes against the odds, but it's always great to know that sometimes things can work out even when on the surface it would appear it shouldn't.

$350,000 ????? To become a Oz "resident" ????? Is that a real number?

Hell, here in America during an election year they almost give away citizenship...even if you've been here illegally.....or so I've heard....

 

[Carlos]

wow

I go to sleep, work then have 5 pages to read.

A lot has been said and I will repeat some here, but what the hell.

Aussie law recognises common law marriage. so sign the paper or not then you are in for that pound as well as that penny.

Make the commitment in church, a hotel, a park, pub where-ever, then if you so choose end it. Just separate and a year later get divorced, or what-ever the law is where you come from. So by making that commitment in front of the world can be overturned in a blink. So much for the standing up in front of people to proclaim your love to some-one.

There is more divorce now than 30 years ago. This is due to people being more worldly educated, more accepting, not being so controlled by religion, living in a throw away society, continually being told by the media that you need to be/look/act a certain way/get what you want, deserve and so if you do not meet their ideal there must be something wrong, so get divorced.

In some respects more divorce is good. This allows people to get out of a relationship that is destructive, numerous reasons as I am sure you all know. However a lot of people now just give up, i.e. it's easy to give up tan to try hard to make it work.

By getting married and proclaiming to one and all your commitment means a lot of different things to different people. I know one couple that had the white wedding, but everything about there lives is separate. I find in bizarre, there finances are there own, they each have their own accounts and split food rent etc straight down the middle. Plus they argue about it all the time.

Another couple got married, spent a fortune on the wedding, got divorced 6 months later, finished paying for the wedding a year after that!

What I am getting at is that signing a piece of paper or standing up in front of a group of people is actually meaningless cos it does not prevent you from separating at any point in the future.

So why do it unless there is a material gain.

Although I guess there are some people that need to delude themselves that signing the piece of paper makes them more secure then go ahead. Feeling more secure will probably make you more relaxed happier and therefore a better person, and so you will have a better life / relationship in marriage than out of it.

 

[lies]

People who don't get married, I think, want to keep the option of walking away any time they feel like it. Things aren't working out? You feel restless? Walk away from it. It's a free country, right? To me, legal marriage is a mutual agreement not to just walk away from each other, but to treat your relationship as an important, binding, indivisible unit.

I don't think that's the case at all, especially not in the younger generations. In some cases it's easier to walk away from a marriage than from a relationship, because the people involved didn't invest in it, they just liked the idea of being married. I personally don't think there's a real need to get married... everyone's entitled to their own preferences though, so they can if they want to, but I don't think you can make a "moral" distinction between married life and an "ordinary" relationship.

 

[magemanda]

You seem to be very emotional about this Carlos, and seem to see people who marry as deluded fools. Now you are completely entitled to your opinion, but I think it would be slightly nicer if you toned down the derogatory element of your post. The thing about love and marriage is it is completely personal. Hence my desire to be married is very much down to how I feel. And your desire to not be married is very much down to how you feel. But I have so far resisted the urge to tell you you're a deluded fool for not wanting to be married .

Also, I find it incomprehensible myself that you advocate marriage just for monetary/other gains e.g. tax breaks etc. In th UK your best bet these days for tax breaks etc is to become a single mother, so it's not quite the same as when you would get a Married Person's Credit. Marriage is for people who want it, for the reasons they believe in.

Marriage comes down to personal beliefs, personal desire. You are lucky if you meet someone of the same belief as you. My intended wants to be married to me, so I'm in a happy situation. If a guy I met stated upfront that he would never want to marry, that would probably be a deal-breaker for me.

 

[lies]

I will say that I think some people, who swear they will never get married for whatever reason, have simply not found that one person they fall head-over-heels in love with. If/when you find that one person who really rocks your world you'd be surprised at the goofy things you'll do to make that person happy.

Exactly. And if it's two persons that don't want to get married, all the better.

 

[Carlos]

You seem to be very emotional about this Carlos, and seem to see people who marry as deluded fools. Now you are completely entitled to your opinion, but I think it would be slightly nicer if you toned down the derogatory element of your post. The thing about love and marriage is it is completely personal. Hence my desire to be married is very much down to how I feel. And your desire to not be married is very much down to how you feel. But I have so far resisted the urge to tell you you're a deluded fool for not wanting to be married .

Also, I find it incomprehensible myself that you advocate marriage just for monetary/other gains e.g. tax breaks etc. In th UK your best bet these days for tax breaks etc is to become a single mother, so it's not quite the same as when you would get a Married Person's Credit. Marriage is for people who want it, for the reasons they believe in.

Marriage comes down to personal beliefs, personal desire. You are lucky if you meet someone of the same belief as you. My intended wants to be married to me, so I'm in a happy situation. If a guy I met stated upfront that he would never want to marry, that would probably be a deal-breaker for me.

Not out to offend just my opinion.

I have been with the same loving partner for 7 years, 2 sons, 5 and 1 yrs old. I actually got married last year, not because of pressure from my wife, family or anyone, but because it was easier to get UK passports for my sons. If I had not gotten married the UK passport office would regard my sons as illegitimate and I would have to have a 'search' made to prove that they were mine and my wife's and that they are my dependants. This would take about a year and cost ~$1000 each (from memory) so we got married and the passports arrived 6 weeks later. Crazy eh.

And so Veronica and I are married. I, and she feels exactly the same before and after the marriage. We are still commitment to each other and our sons as before. However we are not more committed. And why should we be. The reason we are together is because we want to be not because we now have a marriage certificate.

If you (anyone) feels they need to get married to make there life better, then hey, go ahead, as I said if you feel better being married than just living together, then be married because you will be a better person, hopefully, and have a happier more fulfilling life. As you say it's all personal choice. You are more than entitled to that opinion and way of life as I am entitled to believing marriage is just a piece of paper, which I do not need to proclaim my love and commitment to Veronica.

By the way, she feels the same, which is maybe why we are together

Please don't get offended, the piece of paper or ceremony obviously has a very great and deep meaning for you. That's great, we need people in this world to be individuals, that's what makes this life interesting. Just remember whatever I believe or say, should not affect your reasons for being married or your continued happiness while you are married.

 

[cajunmama]

It seems like there's two camps in this issue. And there's not much middle ground, apparently.
One side believes in the institution of marriage and the other sees it as only a piece of paper.
For the "belief" side, marriage is so much more than a piece of paper. These people don't get married for a piece of paper. You do it for many reasons, not to get a piece of paper. It's telling your partner, your minister, your god, the whole world that you want to do everything in your power to spend the rest of your life with your partner. Its promising to do everything you can to make it work, good times, bad times, in between times. Its social, economical, psychological, physiological (married people tend to live longer), all in one. Granted, there's cheating, abuse and divorce, nobody's perfect and people just quit sometimes. But too people who believe in the institution of marriage, it means something more than just a piece of paper.
For the "paper" side. It is just that. A piece of paper that may have some benefits, but then again it may not. And if that's all it is to you, then that's all it ever will be and more power to you.

 

[Kookamoor]

Hey Carlos - interesting perspective on the UK passport thing. I have one, and had to prove my parents were married WHEN they had me. In other words, I had to be of legitimate birth in order to get one. I have a feeling they changed the rules if you were born after 1983 or something so that you can get it through the mother as well (if you were born before that you can only get a British passport through paternal heritage - weird, eh?). So maybe they changed the legitimacy thing then too... Either way, it's odd to have citizenship depend on whether your parents signed a piece of paper.

 

[Carlos]

Hey Carlos - interesting perspective on the UK passport thing. I have one, and had to prove my parents were married WHEN they had me. In other words, I had to be of legitimate birth in order to get one. I have a feeling they changed the rules if you were born after 1983 or something so that you can get it through the mother as well (if you were born before that you can only get a British passport through paternal heritage - weird, eh?). So maybe they changed the legitimacy thing then too... Either way, it's odd to have citizenship depend on whether your parents signed a piece of paper.

That's right they changed the rules slightly, although they do not make it easy. Getting to the stage of finding out the best way to get the passports took about 6 months. Mainly because the people at the British consulate in Canberra were worse than crap. I am going to offend some people here, so read at your own peril;

Spoiler

people that get a job in government or local council do so because they are crap, have no will to give good service, do not care about achieving things within their work place, and / or absolutely relish the thought and practice of being mini-Hitlers because they can delay an application from things such as a dog license to planning permission to a passport application.

. Aaaah that feels better.

Back on the subject of marriage, I believe marriage has a lot to do with religion, now I am an atheist, . If people's beliefs are not strong enough to take a knock then STOP READING now.

The mysteries of the universe and existence lead to religion, i.e. how do we explain things. Over the last several 1000 years we have used religion , which has evolved to what we have now. I believe a few hundred - thousand years ago religion was (and is in some places still) used as a means to control the population.

Now how do you know who is who and where they are? Well several ways. Register people when they get born and when they die. Also when they get married. How to do this and stop people just hitching up, well make it shameful not to be married.

for example can some one tell me where the expression 'Living in Sin' comes from. Pretty strong words for being with someone you love.

Off to my morning meeting now.

excuse the spellings errors, just edited my post was rushing

 

[Motokid]

I find the whole concept of "legitimate" or "illegitimate" to be offensive. That's right y'all...offensive.

It really irks the living shit out of me to label a child that had no choice in who the parents are, or the circumstances under which the birth occured. I think for the most part American's are leaning away from this type of label (thank goodness), but when I hear it, or read it the hair on the back of my neck pricks up and my anger meter clicks against the stops.....

Are the origins of these terms anchored in religion? I know we can't discuss religion. I just want to know where this "idea" of a childs legitimacy has it's roots. Anyone have any ideas?

 

[Carlos]

I think a lot of it stems from the good ol' days and was used to define who your rightful heirs are. Some cultures you have to be married ad the kids you have become your heirs, in others you can nominate be they children born out of wedlock or just any one that you wish to choose.
The problems arise when you have a child born out of wedlock, then another who is born in wedlock. Who becomes your heir. Great if you are writing a fantasy book and need a power struggle within the royal family, far from good if you are Joe Average and want to lead a happy life without hassles.

 

[Robert]

I find the whole concept of "legitimate" or "illegitimate" to be offensive. That's right y'all...offensive.

It really irks the living shit out of me to label a child that had no choice in who the parents are, or the circumstances under which the birth occured....

Well said!