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1002 Things To Do With a bobbyburns

Gizmo said:
What are you talking all about?
What the hell is a bobbyburn???
I think I don't get it! :confused:
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I'd like to take a try at answering this...

A bobbyburns (frequently referred to as a Mr. Burns) is a rare and slightly exotic creature. It can be -- like some music, foods, and writers -- an acquired taste that not everyone acquires easily. However, like Ian Hunter, sushi, and Thomas Pynchon, a bobbyburns is a delight to those with the understanding to appreciate its innate value. So while a Novella may not acknowledge the complexities and virtues of a bobbyburns, an Irene Wilde will see one and say, "Wow, so cool!" every time.

Irene Wilde

I think this thread would have been far funnier named after good friend Warm Enema. Come home soon, Mr. Enema. You are missed.
 
Dear Advicelady,

My bobbyburns is acting up. I want it to make a lot of noise, but it only makes little squeaky sounds like two balloons rubbing together. I thought the Original bobbyburns was guaranteed to emit a full and magnificent sound of operatic quality, not weasel burps. What’s the problem?

Signed,
Muffincups


Dear Cups,

Check the label! Does it say “New Improved Original Flavor” on the nape? Is there a small blue beehive under the earlobe? If so, this model was designed for the royal house of Austrian Viennese autocrats in 1845, at which time it was deemed unfashionable for the bobbyburns to vocalize. Instead, this model was used to whack the keyboard of a harpsichord while bellowing. However, it should have fully functioning nostrils with “true flare”, a very rare feature. At auction it could bring 90,000 kroner.

On the other hand, if “copyright Dan Brown” is inscribed on the nape in black marker, along with a small Fig Newton-shaped imprint, then you have a lemon, known in the trade as a “piece o’ crap.” These are very collectible. Is it still in its original box? In that case, hold onto it. It will be worth 5 pounds 32 p in seven years!

Yours etc.,

A.L.
 
bobbyburns said:
so, uh, what's my life expectancy?
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Do I look like a vet? Do I have dog thermometers and flea powder in my pockets? No, I do not. Those are Snickers and Butterfingers. And a Jolly Rancher. Um, and, oh yeah that. That's private! Give me that back!
 
Wait! This is becoming totally undisciplined!

Drop and give me twenty, soldier. Okay, now . . .

Ahem. Where were we? Oh yeah. . .

Deployment of Segrit Weapons Against the Enemy ​
from The Manual of Sophisticated Warfare Technology for Dummies​

Take out the segrit weapon (bobbyburns . . . sshhh) and WHAP the guy. If he gets up, then WHAP him right on the skull.
 
Dear Aunt Novella,
I'm having great difficulty litter training my Bobbyburns. I followed all the advice given in your instructional pamphlet but still I'm finding puddles behind the sofa. Will neutering help or do I need to stick with a strict regime of tough love and rubbing his nose in his leavings?
 
Tell you what, Lit. Those little scrumpins are just so cute, I just can't bring myself to interfere with their little ways. Personally, I just go with it! Granted, the house is a bit "au naturale" at present, but "c'est la vie."

One tip: to minimize discomfort do not give him large portions of cassoulet.

Auntie N.
 
“Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”


Is this a familiar sound in your house? Do you have an elderly relative flailing on the floor? If the answer is “yes”, you need:

The All New bobbyburns Grandma Harness
Now with free Grandma Plug

Adjustable for use on most beds, couches, even the backseat of a car! Lifetime guarantee!

Don’t spend another day listening to all that shouting! Call now!
 
bobbyburns said:
you come here to break my chops?
Click to expand...


It's more of a lifestyle choice.

And, hey, let's keep this thread on topic. Do you have a contribution to make, aside from the obvious?? Just BEING one is pretty feeble.

How much UV sunlight do you block?
 
bobbyburns said:
I suddenly feel like a bucket of icewater hit me in the face.
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That's weird. This week I've been using two of my spare Bobbyburns as a shield against ice water thrown at me by locals angry at my excessive use of the word 'Toblerone'. Could it be...?
 
O wow I just smoked


a huge burnsybob



Where's the box o Devil Dogs?



ice cold Dr. Pepper,

that's the ticket


pellows
 
Sapping o’ the burns

Brrrr. Time ta get those wool socks out and throw another sack o’ trash on t'fire!

Yes, it’s bobbyburns syrup time here in Old Nowhere. Nothin like ham hocks n bobbyburns syrup on a cold winter’s night.

First thing ya do, ya get ya old tin bucket out from under horse. Then ya find one o those spiggotty things to bang in, plus an old hammer from way back. An one o those ancient nails from olden days, t’kind with one pointy end an one flat.

Go out inter yonder woods and find yaself a sturdy bobbyburns. Bang the spiggotty thing in about five feet off the ground an hang ya bucket on t’nail just above, t’catch all the grimsby juices.

That sweet sap’ll start flowing. When ya have a bucketload, boil it down till it looks like the brown eye of a black dog.

That’ll keep a few decades, it will, but we like to mix it up with some Absolut Dinkleberry an sip at it whilst we work in t’word mine. Better’n three wool socks.

Happy sappin.
 
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