• Welcome to BookAndReader!

    We LOVE books and hope you'll join us in sharing your favorites and experiences along with your love of reading with our community. Registering for our site is free and easy, just CLICK HERE!

    Already a member and forgot your password? Click here.

Can you understand this?

manuscriptx

manuscriptx

New Member
The tenor has pretty benign and precarious parts when she asked again for some things simpler than a convoluted suggestion. Each encounter we meet has a problem. That problem then becomes wish boned.



_________________________________________________________________

Here, I'm talking to my girlfriend of the story, I'm describing the " tone " ( tenor ) as being ( and feeling ) ordinary and inconsequential. The next sentence describes what life is; for each experience represents a problem, that problem is a fork in the road - like a wishbone, choose one path or the other.

Do you think you would have understood that without this explaination or should I be adding a bit more text inside and around it?

It seems to me that too much text will easily " water down " a series of lines.
 
The last time you posted a sentence, I pointed out the following problems:

...abstractions, passive voice, change in tense, wordiness, errors in syntax and punctuation.
Click to expand...
These apply to all three sentences in this sample as well.

You are focusing on the wrong issues, and asking us about the wrong things. Your writing isn't ready yet for a basic reading, let alone the nuances of interpretation.
 
?

What are you saying exactly?
Even with a paragraph or a page of text you'd say the same thing?

You didn't place the same comment in " Writer's Showcase " for either of the two samples I provided there which has much more writing.
 
If I understand correctly, Writer's Showcase is, well, a showcase--not a forum for critique.
 
manuscriptx said:
The tenor has pretty benign and precarious parts when she asked again for some things simpler than a convoluted suggestion. Each encounter we meet has a problem. That problem then becomes wish boned.



_________________________________________________________________
Click to expand...

Huh?:blink:
 
Not enough time was paid on the outline, so we took off early to be at the waterfront.

--Unclear (What outline?); passive voice.

Eating and watching the sea gullies fly ahead of the wind where it lays this unusual loft near the base of the pillar.

--Sentence fragment. Misuse of "this" and "the"--which loft? What pillar?

I remember vividly describing a delusion.

--Unclear--when, to whom, how? What does this have to do with the previous sentence?

Seeming as though I never got over the trauma, I dared myself to venture into the unknown.

--Unclear; abstract; not connected to previous sentences; poorly constructed.

Stepping over the rust covered pipeline into the flush, it was just a few more feet before I could get myself upended.

--Unclear; not connected to previous sentence; poorly constructed; confusing word choice.

Standing along weak borders the light was terrible; you could hardly see anything except through the cracks and hinges along the trestle.

--Problems with syntax and sentence construction. Change of person.

There was this pretty ensemble.

--Misuse of "this;" unclear; confusing word choice.

An onslaught when I touched the pentacle over my shirt.

--Unclear; sentence fragment; not connected to previous sentence.

I tried to remember exactly what was it that I once said about the ghost in my throat crackling the pain.

--Unclear; poorly constructed; not connected to previous sentences.

As long as it takes, as long as I didn’t give in with an inclination to leave I’ll stay here as long as possible.

--Unclear; change in tense; not connected to previous sentences.

I know the nightmare must have let me loose pointing to the ground in agony.

--Unclear; poorly constructed; misuse of "the;" not connected to previous sentences.

Is this authenticity or just another piece of fallacy?

--Unclear.

If I were able to discern the difference I wouldn’t be able to live with the heightened sense and familiarity of it all.

--Unclear; poorly constructed.

Part of the runway near the border was marked with a verbal triangle, much the clandestine form but to the chagrin of anyone who can clearly see right through.

--Unclear; poorly constructed; misuse of "the," not connected to previous sentences.

Up above the niche, there’s this little crawlspace I had to get to.

--Unclear; misuse of "the;" not connected to previous sentences; unclear as to place.

I’m saying to myself there has to be something, some evidence left behind but for me to rely upon; nothing, no trace or hieroglyph.

--Unclear; change in tense; errors in punctuation.

I gave way and decided to exit the station acting as if I took an opiate and having to restrain myself in order to reassure her I was fine.

--Unclear; misuse of "the;" change of place; poorly constructed.

I notice you have that special way about you.

--Wrong way to handle a quote. Also unclear who is speaking.

What is it?

--Same.

I had trouble getting the next word out, rubbernecking her shape and imperfection.

--Poorly constructed; clumsy wording.

I was going to say something and then I stopped.

--Wrong way to handle a quote, if it is a quote.

The pentagram is merely three lines across the shirt, representing distinction, penitence, the glory of exaction and reemergence.

--Not connected to previous sentences; abstract; apparent misunderstanding of what a pentagram is.

One of the earliest feelings of regret I ever had was on a day not dissimilar to day like this.

--Clumsy construction; not connected to previous sentences.

The house was always empty and after a quick wash-up and spoon full of either oatmeal or cereal, they left me there to grow up by myself.

--Errors in sentence construction; illogical construction.

But so what, my family life goes on without my feelings of fear, anger, under-appreciation and pettiness.

--Error in punctuation; unclear; change in tense.

Lean to pick yourself up and carry it with you, these feelings of grandeur.

--Unclear; change in tense; change in number; not connected to previous sentences.

What makes a man, I asked unwittingly.

--Wrong way to handle a quote; poor use of an adjective.

She didn’t reply.

--Correctly constructed; connected to previous sentence; brief and clear, though without clarifying anything else.

I spent a lifetime trying to unravel these invariant things that encompass success.

--Abstract; not connected to previous sentences; misuse of "these."

The train already left the station, leaving me alone taking with it a sense................

--Errors in punctuation; not connected to previous sentence; change in tense; unclear.

--Oh, and paragraph breaks throughout.
 
differences

What's the difference between a reader like Eva offering what she may think is constructive criticism and being merely a reader who may be used to reading novel text that has too many over-descriptions?

_______________________________________________________________

The page describes this : an afternoon/evening day where I'm with my girlfriend of the story, we are having lunch by a deserted location near an abandoned loft.

I decide to walk over to and enter an " unusual structure " where it starts to give me very horrible memories of torture and anguish, even though it's something I never experienced before.

______________________________________________________________

What irritates me is that some people seem to think everything in a story has to be written piece meal, broken down into an infinite number of little bitesize pieces to be swallowed one kernel at a time.

My writing is not going to do that.

I shouldn't have to write something like this :

Well it's day time now, and I'm having lunch with my girlfriend, we are very happy together, everything is nice, the day is nice, the sunshine is nice, then over there I see something truly interesting. Oh my god! I feel something so terrible! I don't know what I truly feel but it's something I never felt before in my entire life! Really. I can't imagine what it could be?

_____________________________________________________________

Too many writers write the painfully obvious and they use much too simple words and descriptions. If you really think about it preschool kids write that kind of stuff.

When I say I want to be different, what do I mean? I want to be complex. Upgrading the style, shift the focus and change the shape every other word so the reader gets some idea of the story from every sentence while reading more and more.

When I'm writing these pages on the MS. Word program it's already telling me when and where there are sentence fragments, misusage of words, and the other little indications you make Eva.

After every page I finish, so long as I don't see any red or green corrective lines the software program uses, I feel confident it reads exactly the way I want it.

Thanks for the input.
 
manuscriptx said:
The tenor has pretty benign and precarious parts when she asked again for some things simpler than a convoluted suggestion. Each encounter we meet has a problem. That problem then becomes wish boned.
Click to expand...
I'm struggling with these sentences. Honestly, it's rather difficult to read and I haven't a clue what you are trying to say, especially in the first sentence. Perhaps some sort of punctuation or a complete thought would help?

I haven't read your other posts in writer's showcase, so I cannot give you any opinion on those.
 
manuscriptx said:
...so the reader gets some idea of the story from every sentence while reading more and more.
Click to expand...
This is where you fail. This is the objective you don't meet. The reader gets no idea of the story from any sentence. No idea builds as the reader reads more and more. You are holding out hope that some reader will understand your writing, but no reader will--whether that reader is "like Eva" or not.

By the way, your reliance on green underlines to write with confidence only shows that the Word grammar thing has a long way to go. Your sentences are still full of technical errors.
 
manuscriptx said:
When I say I want to be different, what do I mean? I want to be complex.
Click to expand...
May I ask why? Most readers enjoy a book that flows smoothly and gives them a mental picture of the story. Why would you wish to talk above the heads of your readers?
 
Because he believes he is important--that his words are of great importance, when they are not.

Even the Bible--a book written by God the Holy Spirit--is less convoluted than he is. What a pity. What a shame. Leave him be, Eva. He's a man with no oars.

Let him drift.
 
"Writing isn't about the words, but how they form. The beauty does not come from the paint, it comes from the picture."

"If you're trying to impress instead of communicating the written word, you've already failed as a writer. And if you're writing to be loved, instead of loving to write, you should not be called one."
 
"If writing is words that come from within the inner truth of an ill spirit and yet that spirit can carry forth with beauty and strength, then you really should go to bed."
 
..... responses

....in the interest of being thankful for everyone's participation which no one had to do - I'll say this :
________________________________________________________________

No one's addressing the objective, how to write a novel sounding
" interestingly complex " yet not sound like a total simpleton.

Any idiot can describe the day time. The sun is up, a bright, warm, yellow dot in the sky.

Any idiot can describe the afternoon, any time past 12 noon.

Any idiot can describe how they feel when they see something interesting.
You feel happy, sad, angry, scared, worried, hopeful, timid or whatever.

The problem with all that is while yes, it meets those precious grammatical guidlines everyone here feels so apt to mention, it doesn't suit me.

I want to grab a reader's attention by using words, phrases, sentences in a different way than everyone else has written them for hundreds upon thousands of years.

Is it such a crime to the genre of literature to be unorthodox, maybe even a little complex?

The answer is no.

Having gotten that off my chest, I will say that I'm sorry because most of you haven't read the entire body of work from page one's first word.

I'm only comfortable posting incomplete and intermediate text to guard against plagiarism. But given the first thing you people grab onto is this " grammar thing " I see that asking for the kind of input I wanted was a mistake.

Thanks.
 
manuscriptx said:
I see that asking for the kind of input I wanted was a mistake.
Click to expand...
It's always painful (read: hugely funny) to watch a vanity writer discover that input wasn't what he wanted after all, and that stroking is harder to get than he thought.
 
Mark Twain 2009

Mark Twain wasn't an idiot, but today, in the here and now;
he would be regarded as a simpleton.

Just another lame author looking to make money off his writing.

Lesson #1 for all writers and authors should be to never write something that someone else may have written before.

Why do you think so many people grab onto the idea of selling their "story" to literary agents and publishers? Once their precious 15 minutes of television fame is up, the next best thing is to make a few bucks by writing a story hoping some people remember it and want to learn ( supposedly ) the "in-depth" story from the beginning to the end.


Personally I think it's pathetic.

As far as I'm concerned? While I'm neither rich nor famous, I am just a someone who wants to tell a unique story from a completely unique perspective.

Somehow I don't think writing the way the sun rises up upon a tranquil world, beaming down upon a peaceful village like benediction will grab a populus the way it did in the
1910's.
 
manuscriptx said:
No one's addressing the objective, how to write a novel sounding
" interestingly complex " yet not sound like a total simpleton.
Click to expand...
I think you're misinterpreting our meaning. I see nothing wrong with using a different perspective or verbage to describe certain things. However, making your prose so complex that no one can understand it is useless to everyone other than the author. You will not have readers if they cannot understand your story. Complexity is different from intangible. In my opinion, your original two sentences fall into the latter category.
manuscriptx said:
Lesson #1 for all writers and authors should be to never write something that someone else may have written before.
Click to expand...
Writing something different from other writers does not mean that you must write in Klingon. You can have an original idea and an original story and still write in a grammatical form that the general populous can comprehend.
manuscriptx said:
Somehow I don't think writing the way the sun rises up upon a tranquil world, beaming down upon a peaceful village like benediction will grab a populus the way it did in the 1910's.
Click to expand...
You may be correct in your ascertation regarding this particular statement. However, it is a tangible sentence, paints a picture that is easily understood and gives its reader some insight into what is happening in the story. Again, I understand that you want to be different and unique, but it seems that your butchering the English language in your attempt to do so. I could write an entire book in "Yodaese" that would be different, but I'm pretty sure readers would tire of the words being stated in that fashion. Understand what I am saying, do you?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top