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My first attempt at writing

T

tina_ray

New Member
Please go easy on me. This is my first attempt at writing. This is the opening of the novel titled "When Hell Follows You Home" It is about a sociopath who keeps journals of his thoughts on the web. I also have included other char. but they don't really have anything to do with the sociopath. It is a thriller or at least I intend it to be. So please read and just share your thoughts. Thank you all.

WHEN HELL FOLLOWS YOU HOME

PROLOGuE

http://wreckedmind.blogspot.com– first entry – March 27th

So, you have no respect for my lifestyle? What makes you think I respect yours? Why do you choose to conform to normality and build your life according to the rules of society? What makes a person who he or she is? Ah, the age old controversy of nature versus nurture. Is the very DNA of your makeup responsible for the way you carry yourself, the lifestyle you choose, or the morals you obtain solely on behalf of your personal preference; despite the ones entrenched in you by your mother or father? Or perhaps is the city you dwell, or the neighborhood you grew up in responsible for your choices in life? For what do you know? Hell what do I know? Do you choose to believe that because a plant grows it’s alive? I’m not so sure it’s alive. It doesn’t feel pain nor does it speak. A human being is alive, however even if he or she doesn’t speak or respond to pain. Hmm or is it?

I’m sick of your hatred. I’m sick of the fight you fight to rid my very existence. I breathe, I think, I definitely feel pain for I feel it everyday. Yet I’m hated among many because I don’t follow your rules. Who made these fucking “rules” anyway? God? Who is God, and why do you choose again to believe in things your can not see, or feel, or touch; because the Bible says so? The Bible was written by man. Men influenced “so say” by God, but were you there to understand? Did you in your lifetime witness a spirit or speak to someone who’s long gone such as a loved one? I haven’t. So what do I know? What do you know for that matter!

I choose to believe in only what can be proven to me. Call me agnostic who cares. Maybe I am. I call myself doubtful, a skeptic perhaps. What do you call yourself? You profess Christianity, but why is it when Christians don’t have a logical explanation for existence they focus their beliefs toward the supernatural? Christianity as a whole hates scientific research. Why is that? Maybe because of the fear that follows when a study reveals something different than what they believe or what they’ve been taught to believe. Fear that paying followers will lose the very faith that that made them believe in your nonsense. Less followers leads to less income. Money is at the eye of the beholder. Money is what the Christian leaders need to supply you with their bullshit. And you listen and believe. And because I don’t, I’m hated. No I shouldn’t be. I’m not of weak flesh like you hypercritical bigots.

Your rules fuel my flame. What you fail to understand is that the monster inside of me grows because of your hatred. The simple act of watching the evening news has made me into a madman. You did it. **** You!
The voices speak clearly everyday. Don’t act like you don’t know to what voices I’m referring. That little voice that controls your thoughts, or your words for that matter. My physical body is not blogging my voice is. The demon inside controls my movements and my thoughts; it tells me what to do and how to think. It alarms me of my enemies. You are not my enemies, but you are part of a bigger conspiracy which is undeniably my enemy. For my biggest enemy is society.
 
The link does not work.

I don't have much experience about sociopaths but, are you sure they can think so clearly and talk about their demons inside rather than seeing their actions and feelings as normal?
 
tina_ray said:
Please go easy on me. This is my first attempt at writing.
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I'm sorry but I don't care if it's your first or your thousandth - you'll get the same level of treatment. By asking for someone to "go easy" on you it seems that you only want positive comments. The words are redundant are are thus ignored.

This is the opening of the novel titled "When Hell Follows You Home"
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Are you sure that if this is your first attempt at writing that you want to go straight into a novel? I'd suggest a number of short stories first - to practice many things such as setting, character, dialect, wording, description, plotting, atmosphere, etc.


PROLOUGE
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Are you sure you are not la_boi22 in disguise? He makes that mistake when spelling prologue too.

Now, for the actual piece. I read it through and couldn't really fault much of what I read. The inner dialogue is good and well structured.

The only problem, as clueless has stated, is that the character is not believable. It's just a rant. What does a sociopath have to rant about? These are generally intelligent people (often smarter than the average person) where the intelligence just isn't applied. So, all these thoughts and ravings seem, to me at least, to be silly.

But don't be discouraged. Keep on writing. This character at the moment is just ranting and raving (reminds me of a tribesman holding a spear and stomping in the grass as the plane takes off with those he was chasing on board) but what would be better is too take us into the mindset of this sociopath - let's see how they interact with things, let's see their worldview.

If somebody accidentally bumps into this sociopath in the street then take us through their meandering thoughts as the make up who the person was, why they bumped into him, and onwards as he concocts strange imaginings that ultimately lead to an imagined retribution. Let's see what they think, how they think, and how they act on their thoughts.

While not a good novel, Thomas Harris' Hannibal lets us into the mind of a well known sociopath.
 
I think Stewart has offered some useful advice here, albeit in his pointy manner.

About the whole 'go gentle on me' business, you can take it. Ask for honesty and take it straight up. It's the best way. Just don't take it all as gospel. In the end, you're the only important judge of your work.

For this piece, I would get out of the first-person voice. It's going to trap you, in that you will limit your options of how to show how this person interacts with the world. Also, be honest--rants like this are superficial. What's the underlying emotion here about? What drives this person, beneath all the rhetoric?

Don't give up. Just throw yourself into it again and remember that each word is not precious. You are building something,so try to develop a vision of the whole. I'm pretty sure you haven't done that yet.
 
See others make typographical errors too! Sorry I wish I could comment more on your work, but I'm really not in the best position to do so.
 
laboi_22 said:
See others make typographical errors too! Sorry I wish I could comment more on your work, but I'm really not in the best position to do so.
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If it is truly a "typo", then maybe your "g" and "u" keys are in the wrong place... It seems to happen too often to be a typo! :D

Also, I like my Lazy-Boy with my laptop. Very comfy. Then I can really let the comments fly!

(Tell us what you think, Laboi!)
 
Tina_ray,

I can't add much to what Stewart, clueless and Novella have said here.

I will echo their sentiments on the "go lightly" thing, though. If you just want folks to say "oh, that's nice. really good", then maybe you should just let your friends and family read it. If, however, you truly want to improve your writing, I have found no better advice than that offered here. It isn't always sugar coated and chocolatey-good, but it is always honest. Just don't take what is said as a personal attack. It isn't.

I would definitely approach this from the 3d person, but that's just me.

Want to read more!
 
Wow

Some very specific points made there. Thanks. In response I asked for you guys to go easy on me not because I wanted all positive remarks. Before posting on this forum I searched and looked around and was suprised by the harshness from some of the members in regards to other's work. So that is my purpose. I'm writing a novel. I've done short stories and I will have my degree in English(Master's) when I graduated in December. I don't think I need short story practice. Sorry to be so blunt. I do agree though that my sociopath is vauge and is just ranting. The premise of my story though is that the writing is interputed by the sociopaths blog entry. All of the other characters will keep blogs to. I narrate chapter 2 in thrid person for my character Mary but she breaks to blog and then it become her thoughts in first person. They all connect in a bizzare way. That's why I don't think I'll change the opening, but I'm not sure. When referring to the man the sociopath later on in the novel I use third person. Thanks again though for all the advice. And the link at the top is not a link it's just a fake blog address that the sociopath uses to type on.
 
Read the thread; here are my thoughts; i posted them at the thread also

Honestly I think the amount or type of critisism should be at the discretion of the writer. If I ask for a certin type of opinion thats what I hope to get. If I don't want to hear harsh opinions I'll say so and ask that my request is respected.

Writers post their pieces here for certian reasons. Not to know if you don't like it. I don't care if you don't like it. Lots of folks won't like it, but maybe it's just not your type of read. Everyone has a certin type of read they enjoy. I want you to tell me what I've done wrong in a nice way, not harsh way there is no reason for harshness.

Tell me if my writing style is good or bad and how to improve who cares if it's not interesting to you that's not what I asked for. I think you should respectfully get the advice you ask for.
 
My sentiments exactly tina. Thanks for that insightful information. Anyway Leckert you asked me to say what I think. I really hate giving advice on other people's writing because my writing is not that great so why would I think that I could tell someone there's is good or bad. Anyway here it goes. I actually think that what I've read so far is good. Again I don't usually think people's writing is bad. As long as is has a story to tell I'll read it. I read anything. At first though I didn't understand where the story was going until she eloborated on the plot of it a little. The opening is well written though in my honest opinion. There you go Leckert!!!
 
tina_ray said:
I narrate chapter 2 in thrid person for my character Mary but she breaks to blog and then it become her thoughts in first person. They all connect in a bizzare way. That's why I don't think I'll change the opening, but I'm not sure. When referring to the man the sociopath later on in the novel I use third person. .
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From personal experience I would say that toggling from first to third is not the best idea. It doesn't appeal to editors and can be problemmatic in terms of character revelation. Better to develop your ability to write from privileged third person in which the sympathtic viewpoint shifts from character to character.

Writing a lot of first-person blog in the voice of a person who is not sympathetic and has no clarity will only distance the reader. Think about the relative value and interest of any antisocial rant. It might be useful for a little basic plot development, but it won't sustain any investment by the reader in your characters.

Also, I don't mean this in a harsh way, but it seems like you are very ready to defend any point that a person might offer constructive criticism about. Do you think that approach will serve your story best?
 
Point taken Novella about POV shifts. Although to me it seems it could work if done properly. And I don't mean to defend every point of feedback given, I'm just simply explaining my reasoning for the way I wrote. You've said yourself that the writer is the ultimate judge of one's writing. That's all.
 
respecfully:

"Please go easy on me.
This is my first attempt at writing.
So please read and just share your thoughts."

Then you say your getting your masters in English in less than 6 months.
And that you've done short stories.....

You don't sound new to this at all. You also should have plenty experience with writing style if your getting a masters in English.

Then you say "who cares if it's not interesting to you that's not what I asked for" ,but all you asked for was for people to share thier thoughts...

Isn't interesting reading more important than mechanically correct reading?

I'm very confused about what people want when they ask for comments on their writting.

I should surely stay out of this section....
 
Further to below, a couple of thoughts.

Blogs are pretty much diaries, i.e., dead ends into which each character would put private thoughts, without feedback or dialogue.

Why use this device when inner thoughts would suffice? Do the blogs serve a purpose beyond just putting those characters in front of keyboards? Or are they writing into forums and chatrooms, which would at least introduce an element of interaction?


If this is an opening to a story, you need a better hook than you have here. For one thing, there's no clue as to whom he's addressing. Is it one person? A group? An imagined conspiracy? What I'm getting is a generalized anti-everything viewpoint and something about the 'demon inside," but I don't have a reason to care. If I knew that this person was a 12 year old in a wheelchair or a 70 year old who takes too much Viagra that would make all the difference.
 
Motokid said:
I should surely stay out of this section....
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I hope you don't stay out of this section, Moto.

My approach is, I say what I think. I do not think it is up to the writer how the work is critiqued.

It isn't up to the writer how the work will be received on the market.

I learned very early in my young life here at TBF, that you can gleen NOTHING related to "harshness" from someone's critique of another's work. Many writers here have a long-term relationship with others, and have requested blunt critiques.

I haven't found ANY critiques here to be personal, or unnecessarily harsh, or cruel, only honest. Sometimes blunt, but always honest. If a writer can't understand that, then maybe they need to refrain from posting here?

If curtness or lack of sugar coating could offend you, I might suggest reading some things posted here, and getting in on some of the General Chat threads to get to "know" some of the personalities who live here before asking for their opinions on your writing. Then you can meter their comments based on what you know about their personalities.

You can't jump into unfamiliar waters then blame the sharks for biting.
 
leckert said:
You can't jump into unfamiliar waters then blame the sharks for biting.
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Here There Be Tygers... (short story by Stephen King... thought it was appropriate... maybe not... I use way to many "..."s)
 
leckert said:
.

You can't jump into unfamiliar waters then blame the sharks for biting.
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Yo bubba, no sharks here. In my experience, a few goldfish and guppies. And the occasional angelfish (hi Ell). :)
 
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