The Programmer. Chapter 1 *New Title coming soon*

[King Kovifor]

Vishnu

By me. Please don't use my work anywhere with out my consent.

John Reviar sat at his desk and remembered “The Old Days”. He was always after kidnappers or murderers. Now he’s after Cyber Criminals. One of his favorite aspects to the job was just looking through a crime scene for evidence and piecing together the puzzle.

He remembered his first big case. The Serial Killer of 93. He’d been assigned the case after working at the FBI for about 6 years. It was a stormy night when the bodies of 7 missing people were found: All children and killed execution style.

That's an excerpt from the background chapter.

John went flying down to the ground. He was shot in his left arm and leg. His fellow agents transported him into the S.W.A.T. van. He could command from there. He was given satellite coverage of the fight. He was telling his agents where the snipers were. At the end of the fight the tally of the dead was 69 and there were 83 injured.

Bern heard the gunfire and took as a favor to him. He moved his hostages, along with all his work, into a neighboring house. They could go into the house all the wanted. It didn’t matter anymore. He was long gone. He would never be seen on Grousville Road ever again.

He got into a neighbor’s car and drove miles away. He forced everybody to change clothes. They would be noticed otherwise; the microphone was left behind and the FBI lost their only lead.

The setback at Bern’s house caused him to become behind. He was scheduled to finish the program that dreadful day, but it never happened. He was given another 15 days. But with the hostages he didn’t expect to finish. Even with the help of his boss’s son.

Thats' the beginning.

“Amber Alert Cancelled,” said an officer, “Noise coming from apartment next to my location. I repeat, Amber Alert Cancelled.”

“Jen, you’re the closest. You and your team report to building 12.” Betty spoke through the microphone.

“Team is dispersing towards building 12. We will be there in less than a minute team 12.” The team ran down the halls, through doors, and out into the open street. “Building 12 is right there. What floor is the activity on?”

“Team 13, the activity is on the 7th quadrant of building 12.”

“Copy. We see movement. Affirmative: Amber Alert Cancelled.”

Another Action Chapter.

 

[Stewart]

John sat at his desk and searched up a name on the FBI database. There it was, the evidence that he needed to arrest the suspect for murder. He proceeded to get the arrest warrant and locate the suspect.

Way to go on the tension there. Maybe you should add some immediate conflict as everything seems to go in this guy's favour in the opening paragraph. There is no hook.

 

[Stewart]

Also, too much dialogue and no movement, reaction, emotion, or body language from any of the characters.

 

[spatha]

I see you're 14 years old, King, so well done!, You show vivid imagination and and have the seed of talent. It just needs careful nurturing and development. I think my main advice would be to get a good, solid book on writing technique (there are many in bookshops and libraries) and apply what you learn there to your writing. I cant offer much more as i'm pretty inexperienced myself, but above all, keep writing and posting. Some of the advice here is very valuable and totally free!

 

[King Kovifor]

Actually I'm not 14 years old. I'm 13. And What do you mean by too much diolauge (sp I know)? Vishnu has been temprorarily removed by King Kovifor. Reason is that I'm redoing the first chapter (with suggestions from mrs. t and some other people on the net) I'll have it up. I'll include three excerpts: Chapter One, Chapter Two, and Chapter Three. Not all of it just some of it.

Way to go on the tension there. Maybe you should add some immediate conflict as everything seems to go in this guy's favour in the opening paragraph. There is no hook.

What do you mean Tension? And too much in his favor. So I would do something like this.

John sat at his desk and searched up a name on the FBI database while being rushed by his boss to finish the assignment. There it was, the evidence that he needed to arrest the suspect for murder. He proceeded to get the arrest warrant, but the only problem was that there wasn't a known address. This guy moved around way too much.

 

[King Kovifor]

New Name: Vishnu!

 

[bobbyburns]

thanks so much for clearing that up, king kovifor. I mean, now we all know what vishnu is and what it's got to do with the story. thanks.

 

[mehastings]

thanks so much for clearing that up, king kovifor. I mean, now we all know what vishnu is and what it's got to do with the story. thanks.

I think somebody here suggested it to him on another thread.

 

[sirmyk]

Keep writing

Since you're thirteen, good job!

I would also recommend slowing the pace down a bit by using less dialogue. You don't want diaglogue to pace the story along too quickly. It reads like an episode of "Numbers" in fast-forward. And remember that not everything happens like it does on television. Good job, though. Keep writing.

 

[King Kovifor]

improvements

Well done so far. You just need to go back into it and add those little details. Start throwing in some red herrings (hints at things to be) Mrs T


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Thanks Mrs. T. I'll see you on monday for the suggestions that you want to give me!

I watch Numb3rs and that's where I got the idea so I should slow it down... I think after this I'll go into a chapter that's fairly boring about backgrounds and how Bern got the job and things like that... to slow it down a bit.

Yes I was give the Vishnu idea in another thread. The link can be found in my siggy!

 

[King Kovifor]

Note:

Vishnu has been temprorarily removed by King Kovifor. Reason is that I'm redoing the first chapter (with suggestions from mrs. t and some other people on the net) I'll have it up. I'll include three excerpts: Chapter One, Chapter Two, and Chapter Three. Not all of it just some of it.

It'll be back by tomorrow night hopefully.

 

[King Kovifor]

Notice Excerpts from one and 2 have been added, Thanks for the liking of my work! I'd really enjoy some indepth reviews and criteques of it. Please PM me if interested in doing it...

 

[mehastings]

I think it's hard to judge your work when you only have a small bit of it up. I found a few spelling/grammar issues, but otherwise it's hard to tell.

 

[sirmyk]

I think it's hard to judge your work when you only have a small bit of it up.

But at least we know how many "characters with spaces" the novel contains so far.

 

[mehastings]

I've had a chance to look this over, and I've got some suggestions for you. First off, go through your book and find every place where you have numerals instead of words. I see thirteen of them in the part you have posted there. Get rid of them all. Years, numbers over four digits and street names can be written in numerals. The rest of them should be written out. The "93" is marginal, as it seems to be part of the killer's nickname. That should probably be put in quotes or otherwise be made obvious. Plus, I think it needs an apostrophe in front of it (but I'm not sure).

You need to go through and take a look at your verbs. Your tense keeps switching all over the place.

What do "The Old Days" and "Cyber Criminals" refer to? They shouldn't be capitalized if they aren't proper nouns. You've shown us very little here, so perhaps they are proper nouns in JR's world, but at this point it isn't obvious.

The "Cereal Killer" bit is unclear. Is it a play on words that makes a reference to some detail we don't know, or do you mean serial?

The bit about being shot twice and then monitoring a fight between hundreds of people from a SWAT van seems a bit far fetched. I mean, I know this guy is an FBI agent, but he's not a god.

Lastly, I'm very confused by all this Mrs T stuff and whatnot. Your posts are all cluttered and unclear. You should have just left what you had and posted a reply with your updates instead.

 

[sanyuja]

I agree mehastings. I admit I didn't read it because the posts are so messed up.
Mrs. T? Vishnu? Temporarily removed? Why don't you keep the old post as is and post your revised/rewritten chapters as a reply?

My 2 cents..

 

[sirmyk]

I am also concerned / curious about this Mrs. T person. Mr. T's wife? Why quote her if she's not posting on this forum. That would be like me posting the following:

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't forget to mention me in your forum posts, Myk. - Michael Brenden
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you Michael Brenden for all your help within this thread!

 

[King Kovifor]

I am also concerned / curious about this Mrs. T person. Mr. T's wife? Why quote her if she's not posting on this forum. That would be like me posting the following:

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't forget to mention me in your forum posts, Myk. - Michael Brenden
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you Michael Brenden for all your help within this thread!

Mrs T = My Teacher. She posted that because of her suggestions... She's like my editor.

I've had a chance to look this over, and I've got some suggestions for you. First off, go through your book and find every place where you have numerals instead of words. I see thirteen of them in the part you have posted there. Get rid of them all. Years, numbers over four digits and street names can be written in numerals. The rest of them should be written out. The "93" is marginal, as it seems to be part of the killer's nickname. That should probably be put in quotes or otherwise be made obvious. Plus, I think it needs an apostrophe in front of it (but I'm not sure).

Yes, I'm sure my teacher would say the same thing... But the 93 thing I don't get? Can you explain some more?

You need to go through and take a look at your verbs. Your tense keeps switching all over the place.

Me changing areas? Is that what you mean?

What do "The Old Days" and "Cyber Criminals" refer to? They shouldn't be capitalized if they aren't proper nouns. You've shown us very little here, so perhaps they are proper nouns in JR's world, but at this point it isn't obvious.

"The Old Days" - When John was new and he was investigating murders, rapes, assinations and that stuff.
"Cyber Criminals" - Criminals who steal through the internet. Do Illegal internet activities...

The "Cereal Killer" bit is unclear. Is it a play on words that makes a reference to some detail we don't know, or do you mean serial?

Yes That's what I meant... Mrs T told me about it and I updated the whole chapter... Guess I forgot here. I'll change later today.

The bit about being shot twice and then monitoring a fight between hundreds of people from a SWAT van seems a bit far fetched. I mean, I know this guy is an FBI agent, but he's not a god.

What about once in the arm? Is that more "believable"?

Lastly, I'm very confused by all this Mrs T stuff and whatnot. Your posts are all cluttered and unclear. You should have just left what you had and posted a reply with your updates instead.

I'm not the best as updates...

I agree mehastings. I admit I didn't read it because the posts are so messed up.
Mrs. T? Vishnu? Temporarily removed? Why don't you keep the old post as is and post your revised/rewritten chapters as a reply?

My 2 cents..

Mrs. T read last post... Temporarily Removed because I added new parts, edited it and than readded excerpts.


That help you guys?

 

[Stewart]

He was always after kidnappers or murderers.

What? In the queue at the butcher's or something?

 

[King Kovifor]

What? In the queue at the butcher's or something?

No. His cases were of murderer's...