-
Welcome
to BookAndReader! We LOVE books and hope you'll join us in sharing your favorites and experiences along with your love of reading with our community. Registering for our site is free and easy, just CLICK HERE!
Already a member and forgot your password? Click here.
Anybody got a joke?
- Thread starter Motokid
- Start date
Motokid
New Member
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "THAW THE CHICKEN!"
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "THAW THE CHICKEN!"
Kenny Shovel
Active Member
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough so the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me, I don't want to go deaf!"
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.
This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me, I don't want to go deaf!"
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.
This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
Occlith
Well-Known Member
A pirate with a peg leg, hook hand, and an eye patch walks into a bar. He sits down to have a beer and a stranger sitting next to him asks, "So what happened to the leg, if you don’t mind my asking?"
"Argh," the pirate answers, "a fierce storm tossed me overboard, and a shark bit it off."
"Oh," the stranger says. "How about the hand?"
"Argh, I boarded a ship and fought the captain, and he took me hand before I made him walk the plank."
The stranger then asks about the pirate’s eye. "Argh, a seagull pooped in me eye," replies the pirate.
"Poop made you lose your eye?" asks the confused stranger.
"No," the pirate answers, "’twas the first day with me hook."
"Argh," the pirate answers, "a fierce storm tossed me overboard, and a shark bit it off."
"Oh," the stranger says. "How about the hand?"
"Argh, I boarded a ship and fought the captain, and he took me hand before I made him walk the plank."
The stranger then asks about the pirate’s eye. "Argh, a seagull pooped in me eye," replies the pirate.
"Poop made you lose your eye?" asks the confused stranger.
"No," the pirate answers, "’twas the first day with me hook."
direstraits
Well-Known Member
Dunno about you, but this bit was the funniest for me!Kenny Shovel said:
ds
RitalinKid
New Member
So, a Jewish guy that makes Jesus dolls walks into a bar...
Word_Addict
New Member
Three explorers went to Africa, where subsequently, they were captured by a tribe of cannibals.
Fortunately for them, these cannibals were civilized and offered to let the explorers kill themselves.
They asked the first explorer, "What do you want to use to kill yourself?"
He replied, "A gun."
Now, these cannibals were not too bright, and when they gave him a gun, he started shooting them. They were eventually able to subdue him, and they killed him, they ate him, and they made a canoe out of his skin.
They asked the second explorer, "What do you want to use to kill yourself?"
He replied, "A sword."
Being the same cannibals, they were not too bright, and they gave him a sword. He started hacking at them, but they were eventually able to subdue him, and they killed him, they ate him, and they made a canoe out of his skin.
They approached the third explorer with a little more caution, and listened carefully when he told them what he wanted to kill himself with.
"A fork? Oh well, how much harm can he do with a fork?" And they gave it to him.
The third explorer, much to their surprise, began stabbing himself with the fork and yelling, "There goes your canoe!"
Fortunately for them, these cannibals were civilized and offered to let the explorers kill themselves.
They asked the first explorer, "What do you want to use to kill yourself?"
He replied, "A gun."
Now, these cannibals were not too bright, and when they gave him a gun, he started shooting them. They were eventually able to subdue him, and they killed him, they ate him, and they made a canoe out of his skin.
They asked the second explorer, "What do you want to use to kill yourself?"
He replied, "A sword."
Being the same cannibals, they were not too bright, and they gave him a sword. He started hacking at them, but they were eventually able to subdue him, and they killed him, they ate him, and they made a canoe out of his skin.
They approached the third explorer with a little more caution, and listened carefully when he told them what he wanted to kill himself with.
"A fork? Oh well, how much harm can he do with a fork?" And they gave it to him.
The third explorer, much to their surprise, began stabbing himself with the fork and yelling, "There goes your canoe!"
K-Dawn
New Member
Three men were working on the roof of a tall building. One was Chinese, one was Japanese, and one was American. One sunny morning they had worked really hard so they decided to take an extra long lunch break. They all got out there lunches. The Chinese guy had rice, the Japanese guy had noodles, and the American guy had a penut butter sandwhich.
Chinese guy: "If I have rice one more day, I'm going to jump off this building."
Japanese guy: "If I have noodles one more day, I'm going to jump off this building."
American guy: "If I have a penut butter sandwhich one more time I'm gonna jump off this building."
The next day when they opened their lunches, the Chinese guy had rice, the Japanese guy had noodles, and the American guy had a penut butter sandwhich, so they all jumped off the building.
At the funeral, the three wives were talking.
Chinese wife: "If I had known he hated rice so much, I would not have packed it for him."
Japanese wife: "If I had known he hated noodles so much, I would not have packed it for him."
They looked at the American wife.
American wife: "Don't look at me. He packed his own lunch."
Chinese guy: "If I have rice one more day, I'm going to jump off this building."
Japanese guy: "If I have noodles one more day, I'm going to jump off this building."
American guy: "If I have a penut butter sandwhich one more time I'm gonna jump off this building."
The next day when they opened their lunches, the Chinese guy had rice, the Japanese guy had noodles, and the American guy had a penut butter sandwhich, so they all jumped off the building.
At the funeral, the three wives were talking.
Chinese wife: "If I had known he hated rice so much, I would not have packed it for him."
Japanese wife: "If I had known he hated noodles so much, I would not have packed it for him."
They looked at the American wife.
American wife: "Don't look at me. He packed his own lunch."
K-Dawn
New Member
A Chinese guy, a Japanese guy, and an American were flying in a plane.
When they flew over America, the American threw down a box of food saying, "I love my country so I'm giving them some food."
When they flew over China, the Chinese guy threw down a box of money saying, "I love my country so I'm giving them some money."
When they flew over Japan, the Japanese guy threw down a bomb saying, "I hate my country so I'm blowing it up."
They went back to each of the countries.
When they landed in America, they saw a boy crying. When they asked what was wrong he said, "A box of food fell from the sky and hit me in the head, knocking me out. When I woke up, it was gone."
When they landed in China, they saw a girl crying. When they asked what was wrong she said, "A box of money fell from the sky and hit me on the head. Everyone picked it up before I had a chance."
When they landed in Japan, they saw a boy laughing. When they asked what was so funny, he said, "I farted and blew up my house!"
When they flew over America, the American threw down a box of food saying, "I love my country so I'm giving them some food."
When they flew over China, the Chinese guy threw down a box of money saying, "I love my country so I'm giving them some money."
When they flew over Japan, the Japanese guy threw down a bomb saying, "I hate my country so I'm blowing it up."
They went back to each of the countries.
When they landed in America, they saw a boy crying. When they asked what was wrong he said, "A box of food fell from the sky and hit me in the head, knocking me out. When I woke up, it was gone."
When they landed in China, they saw a girl crying. When they asked what was wrong she said, "A box of money fell from the sky and hit me on the head. Everyone picked it up before I had a chance."
When they landed in Japan, they saw a boy laughing. When they asked what was so funny, he said, "I farted and blew up my house!"
K-Dawn
New Member
yep.
Here's another one:
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead were running from the police. They found three sack labeled 'cats', 'dogs', and 'potatoes'. The brunette hid in the one labeled 'cats'. The redhead hid in the one labeled 'dogs'. The blonde hid in the one labeled 'potatoes'.
The police came by and kicked the sack labeled 'cats'. The brunette went, "Meeeooooww!", so they let it be. When they kicked the one labeled 'dogs', the redhead said, "Roof, roof!" so they let it be. Next they kicked the one labeled 'potatoes'. The blonde said, "Potato, potato!"
Here's another one:
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead were running from the police. They found three sack labeled 'cats', 'dogs', and 'potatoes'. The brunette hid in the one labeled 'cats'. The redhead hid in the one labeled 'dogs'. The blonde hid in the one labeled 'potatoes'.
The police came by and kicked the sack labeled 'cats'. The brunette went, "Meeeooooww!", so they let it be. When they kicked the one labeled 'dogs', the redhead said, "Roof, roof!" so they let it be. Next they kicked the one labeled 'potatoes'. The blonde said, "Potato, potato!"
Miss Shelf
New Member
Florida Blonde in Ohio
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde
catches up. She jumps out
of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks
on the door. The trucker
lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name
is Jenny and you are losing
some
of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the
street. When the truck
stops for another red light, the girl catches
up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks
on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've
never spoken, the blonde says
brightly, "Hi my name is Jenny, and you are
losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores he! r
again and continues down the
street. At the third red light, the same
thing happens again. All out of
breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs
up, and knocks on the truck
door. The trucker lowers the window. Again
she says, "Hi, my name is
Jenny, and you are losing some of your load!
When the light turns green the trucker revs
up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly
gets out of the truck, and
runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her
window, and as she lowers it,
he says..."Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter
in OHIO and I'm
driving the SALT TRUCK.
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde
catches up. She jumps out
of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks
on the door. The trucker
lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name
is Jenny and you are losing
some
of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the
street. When the truck
stops for another red light, the girl catches
up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks
on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've
never spoken, the blonde says
brightly, "Hi my name is Jenny, and you are
losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores he! r
again and continues down the
street. At the third red light, the same
thing happens again. All out of
breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs
up, and knocks on the truck
door. The trucker lowers the window. Again
she says, "Hi, my name is
Jenny, and you are losing some of your load!
When the light turns green the trucker revs
up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly
gets out of the truck, and
runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her
window, and as she lowers it,
he says..."Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter
in OHIO and I'm
driving the SALT TRUCK.
StillILearn
New Member
Martin said:
I know, I know -- I was just reading backwards and saw it. I should have known to stay out of this thread. When I tell a joke I say something like, "Have you heard the one about the (punchline)? Then when I tell the joke I wonder why nobody is laughing.
F'rinstance: "Have you heard the one about the blonde who said 'potatoes'?" That's how I do it.
