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Anybody got a joke?

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a

short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their

sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a

postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex

felt.



The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the

wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at

first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased

for her daughter.



The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the

wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to

go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the

Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again

slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.



The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom

waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still

nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British

Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,

flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found

the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven

days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.
 
it's stupid but I can't help laughing

jesusbrb6my.jpg
 
Pope John Paul II gets to heaven. St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here."

The pope says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"

St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests."

The pope says, "He's mad about THAT?"

St. Peter says, "She's furious."
 
a small town girl moves to the big city. her mother comes for a visit and while out to dinner the girl says to her mother 'mama, did you know there are men who have sex with other men?' to which her mother replies, 'no.' the girl then says, 'yes, and they call them homosexuals...and mama, did you know there are women who have sex with other women?' again, her mother says 'no.' the girl says, 'yes, and they call them lesbians. and mama, did you know that there are men who lick the private parts of women?' her mother, shocked says, 'no..what do they call them?' the girl leans back, holds her chest and says, 'well...when i caught my breath, i called him precious!'
 
StillILearn said:
Pope John Paul II gets to heaven. St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here."

The pope says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"

St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests."

The pope says, "He's mad about THAT?"

St. Peter says, "She's furious."
Click to expand...
That made me giggle :)
 
Dog's and cat's daily diary

EXCERPTS FROM THE DOG'S DAILY DIARY

8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m. Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m. Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m.. Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!


EXCERPTS FROM THE CAT'S DAILY DIARY

Day 183 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with
bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh
meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that
keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I
get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I
may eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet
while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the
top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these
vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their
favorite chair; must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try
to strike fear into their hearts... They only cooed and
condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not
working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I
could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I
overheard that my confinement was due to my power of
"allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my
advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and snitches. The
dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.
He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got
to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain
he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the
metal room, his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time now...
 
Which part goes first...


The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning
and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little
Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,
"Oh God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted.
 
What do a chav and a slinky have in common?

Both are of little practical use to any one, but nevertheless it's still fun to watch them fall down the stairs.
 
The New Office Rules

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with “A'” will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with “B” will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $1.08
Down tax $1.14
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $2.23
Ma'am tax $1.23
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $5.00
F.I.C.A. $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union don'ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Various $8.01
Sundry $12.09
------------------------
Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Management
 
Not exactly a joke....but some of these are still pretty damn funny....

Famous Sexual Quotes

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
* Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex?
Me neither."
* Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand."
* Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."
* Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
* Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the
taxidermist."
* Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
* Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation.
The other eight are unimportant."
* George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."
* Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading."
* Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it., so I said "Thyroid
problem?'"
* Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
* Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
* Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but
he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
* Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady,
and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor!

"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
* Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
* Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are
just grateful."
* Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
* Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think,
'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'"
* Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find
a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
* Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and
a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams
 
A redhead walks into her doctor's office and tells him she hurts everywhere. She takes her finger and pokes her arm and yells in pain, she pokes her leg and yells again, everywhere she pokes hurts.

So the doctor takes some X-rays and comes back in and says "You're not really a redhead are you?"

"No" she says, embarrased "I'm a blonde"

Doc says "Well that explains a lot".

The woman says "What's that supposed to mean?"

The doctor says "You've got a broken finger".
 
Motokid said:
A redhead walks into her doctor's office and tells him she hurts everywhere. She takes her finger and pokes her arm and yells in pain, she pokes her leg and yells again, everywhere she pokes hurts.

So the doctor takes some X-rays and comes back in and says "You're not really a redhead are you?"

"No" she says, embarrased "I'm a blonde"

Doc says "Well that explains a lot".

The woman says "What's that supposed to mean?"

The doctor says "You've got a broken finger".
Click to expand...

I'm sending this one to all the blondes and redheads I know -- plus my chiropractor!

:D
 
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