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Anybody got a joke?

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn''''t have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you''''ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will this ''''woman'''' cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
 
Have you heard the one about where God grants men the ability to pee standing up and so women get to have the brains?

:)
 
K-Dawn said:
Oral sex? What?
Click to expand...

To sum it up, whilst at the same time trying not to be too crude, it means sex by mouth. Hope this helps.


Here's another joke for you peeps.

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking stick instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
 
Drunk Ole Stanley staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Stanley just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no toilet paper on this side either."
 
I've got a few good ones.

A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.
Another doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained why she ran out. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The second doctor marched back to the first and dimanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The first doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
 
A burglar broke into a gouse one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked on the light and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Burglar: Did you say that?
Parrot: Yep. I'm just trying to warn you.
Burglar: Warn me eh? Who the heck are you?
Parrot: Moses
Burglar: Moses? What kind of stupid people would name their parrot Moses?
Moses: Probably the same kind of stupid people that would name a rotweiler Jesus.
 
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" His mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" His mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
 
Three guys died; when they got to the pearlt gates, St Peter met them and said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. Your answer will ddecide what car you get. You'll need a car, because Heaven is big." The first guy walks up.

Peter: How long have you been married?
guy 1: 24 years
Peter: Did you ever cheat on your wife?
guy 1: Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven.
Peter: Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive.

Peter asks guy 2 the same question.

guy 2: I was married for 41 years and I cheated on her only once.
Peter: I'm pleased to hear that. Here's your Lincoln.
Guy 3: I know what you're going to ask. I've been married for 63 years and I've never even looked at another woman.
Peter: That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar.
A little while later, guys 1 and 2 see guy 3 sitting on the golden sidewalk, crying. They asked what was wrong.
guy 3: I just saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!
 
There was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the job.
The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions no matter what the circumstances," the said. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well, you're definetely not the right man for this job, then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and say the same thing. The second man looked a bit shocked, but nonetheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, thin the dor opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the man for the job."
Now they're down to te woman left to test. They bring her to the room and repeat the instructions. The woman took the gun and opened teh door. Once the door closed, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then chaos broke loose. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the idiot to death with the chair!"
 
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, adn landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid wanted to go to Disneyland. "No problem," said Bush, "I'll take you there on Air Force One." The second kid wanted a pair of Nike Air Jordan's. "I'll get them for you and even have Micheal sign them." The third ked said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!" Bush was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you're handicapped." The kid replied, "I will be, after my did finds out I saved your a$$ from drowning!"
 
Not really a joke - but funny anyway....

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of
a Crestview couple that drove their car to Walmart, only to have
their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry
on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife
returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection,
she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although
the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into
glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully
stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked
everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however,
had to have three stitches in his forehead.
 
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the **** off the car!"
 
Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get
acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of
iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that
President Clinton had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told
his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am
president, I could have a gold urinal, too. But I wouldn't do something that
self-indulgent!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she
told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact
that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary
smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
 
I got a new car radio yesterday and it is terrific.

If I say "Rock" it plays rock and roll.
If I say "Rap" it plays rap.
If I say "Love" it plays love songs.

Three kids ran out in front of the car and I said "F*#^ing kids!"
And it played Michael Jackson.
 
Why Parents Drink

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"ME."
_________________
 
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