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Anybody got a joke?
- Thread starter Motokid
- Start date
bobbyburns
New Member
was it a gay club?
Gem
kickbox
Andy and John are best friends, and the night before our joke starts they enjoyed a wild bachelors party, the memory of which is a little hazy.
Andy and John knock on the door of a nunnery. Andy is looking a little nervous. In due time an old nun opens the door and asks what they want. John asks her "are there any dwarf nuns?"
she replys "no"
John asks again "are you sure?"
she nods her head, saying " very sure. there are no dwarf nuns at all"
John, with a huge grin plastered on his face, turns to his friend and starts singing:
" Andy sh*gged a penguin. Andy sh*gged a penguin".
Andy and John knock on the door of a nunnery. Andy is looking a little nervous. In due time an old nun opens the door and asks what they want. John asks her "are there any dwarf nuns?"
she replys "no"
John asks again "are you sure?"
she nods her head, saying " very sure. there are no dwarf nuns at all"
John, with a huge grin plastered on his face, turns to his friend and starts singing:
" Andy sh*gged a penguin. Andy sh*gged a penguin".
Robert
Active Member
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man emailed his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I feel bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I wish you were here; I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
The next day he received an email from his son.
Dear Dad,
Under no circumstances should you dig up that garden.
That's where I buried the BODIES. Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area, but they found no bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another message from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie
Dear Vincent,
I feel bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I wish you were here; I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
The next day he received an email from his son.
Dear Dad,
Under no circumstances should you dig up that garden.
That's where I buried the BODIES. Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area, but they found no bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another message from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie
SFG75
Well-Known Member
How many members of an internet forum does it takes to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
9 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
1 to move it to the "Lighting" section.
2 to argue then move it to the “Electricals” section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... and six more to condemn those 6 as “stupid”
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
5 know-it-alls to claim they were in the industry, and "light bulb" is correct
9 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take the discussion to a lightbulb forum
1 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
6 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the wrong URL's were posted and then post the right ones
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
2 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to ask "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
2 to say "do a Google search before posting questions about “light bulbs"
And finally,
1 “lurker” to respond to the original posting - 6 months later - and start it all over
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
9 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
1 to move it to the "Lighting" section.
2 to argue then move it to the “Electricals” section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... and six more to condemn those 6 as “stupid”
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
5 know-it-alls to claim they were in the industry, and "light bulb" is correct
9 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take the discussion to a lightbulb forum
1 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
6 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the wrong URL's were posted and then post the right ones
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
2 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to ask "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
2 to say "do a Google search before posting questions about “light bulbs"
And finally,
1 “lurker” to respond to the original posting - 6 months later - and start it all over
And it's on the boards where you look at the title and you seriously wonder how anyone could have a fight. 
StillILearn
New Member
leckert said:
leckert, I think it's time for people like me to point out that this one just isn't funny.
If you had a sister or a daughter (or a mother) who was being battered, you wouldn't find it to be all that funny either.
StillILearn
New Member
SFG75 said:
Now, this one was funny!
StillILearn
New Member
leckert said:
This kind of humor may have been helpful when you ere twelve, but it's time to move beyond that now.
Motokid
New Member
back on topic...
Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food.
And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I
can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked blonde woman floating face up... headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, and totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her and discovered, yes she was alive. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time. Do you think we should, you know , screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"
Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food.
And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I
can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked blonde woman floating face up... headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, and totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her and discovered, yes she was alive. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time. Do you think we should, you know , screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"
StillILearn
New Member
How to bathe a cat
Dear Cat Owner,
Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and
have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close
both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot
escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to
the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they
can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never
mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually
enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and
rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that
there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift
both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run
outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The DOG
Dear Cat Owner,
Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and
have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close
both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot
escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to
the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they
can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never
mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually
enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and
rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that
there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift
both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run
outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The DOG
Gem
kickbox
Heres one for all you car lovers
Carstianity
"Haul a Yugo. Haul a Yugo."
Gearly beloved, we are Blazered here in the name of our Four-door, who art in Half-ton.
I'm speaking of our lord and Mazda, Jeep-sus Chrysler.
He is the Alfa and the Romeo.
He was born in a Ranger, he was Tempo'd by the DeVille, and he Daihatsu'd for your Sentras.
He said, "Dodge not, that ye not be Dodged.
Thou shalt not Corvette thy neighbor's Whitewall, but turn the other Cherokee.
If ye have Fiat, ye can move Montecarlos.
He ain't Chevy, he's my Beretta."
He ate the Last Supra, and he climbed the mount of Cavalier, where they Cruise-controlled him on the Motocross.
But God, in his Infiniti Mercedes, did Rolls away the Stanza.
Let us Prelude: Sayeth the prophet Isuzu, in the Dusenburg Bible, In the 23rd Saab, "The Ford is my Chauffeur. I shall not Walk.
He Lexus me in the paths of Right-turn-signals.
Yea, though I walk through the Valet of the Shadow of Dart, I shall Fiero no Eagle.
Subaru Goo dwrench and Mercury shall Volvo me Audi Daytonas of my life, and I shall Dwellmeter house of Delorean, Four-cylinder."
Gloria, In Ex-Celica Geo!
Carstianity
"Haul a Yugo. Haul a Yugo."
Gearly beloved, we are Blazered here in the name of our Four-door, who art in Half-ton.
I'm speaking of our lord and Mazda, Jeep-sus Chrysler.
He is the Alfa and the Romeo.
He was born in a Ranger, he was Tempo'd by the DeVille, and he Daihatsu'd for your Sentras.
He said, "Dodge not, that ye not be Dodged.
Thou shalt not Corvette thy neighbor's Whitewall, but turn the other Cherokee.
If ye have Fiat, ye can move Montecarlos.
He ain't Chevy, he's my Beretta."
He ate the Last Supra, and he climbed the mount of Cavalier, where they Cruise-controlled him on the Motocross.
But God, in his Infiniti Mercedes, did Rolls away the Stanza.
Let us Prelude: Sayeth the prophet Isuzu, in the Dusenburg Bible, In the 23rd Saab, "The Ford is my Chauffeur. I shall not Walk.
He Lexus me in the paths of Right-turn-signals.
Yea, though I walk through the Valet of the Shadow of Dart, I shall Fiero no Eagle.
Subaru Goo dwrench and Mercury shall Volvo me Audi Daytonas of my life, and I shall Dwellmeter house of Delorean, Four-cylinder."
Gloria, In Ex-Celica Geo!
mehastings
Active Member
This one came off my Kool-Aid juice box...
What has 18 legs and catches flies?
A baseball team. HAHAHAHA OK, not really...
What has 18 legs and catches flies?
A baseball team. HAHAHAHA OK, not really...
