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Anybody got a joke?

Yeah, Duffy, that was a funny one.

I have one I heard on the radio yesterday, kinda geared towards the guys.


Two old fellas were sitting on a park bench feeding the pigeons. A hot blonde walks by and one of the old guys asks the other, "Ever slept with a blonde?"
Other old guy says, "yup, many a time."
Then a few minutes later, a hot brunette walks by. The first old guy asks the other, "Ever slept with a brunette?
Other old guy saya, "yup, many a time."
The a hot redhead walks by. The first old guy asks, "Ever slept with a redhead?"
Other old guy grins and answers, "nope, not a wink."

*shrugs*
 
He he he. I have lots of jokes but many of them I don't think I could post. Let's dig into the repertiore of classic blonde jokes:

How do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker in the bottom of the pool.

Why did the blonde keep failing her driving test? Every time the car stopped she kept hopping into the back seat.

Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash? She got cold and turned off the fan

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant
 
Scottishduffy said:
He he he. I have lots of jokes but many of them I don't think I could post. Let's dig into the repertiore of classic blonde jokes:

How do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker in the bottom of the pool.

Why did the blonde keep failing her driving test? Every time the car stopped she kept hopping into the back seat.

Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash? She got cold and turned off the fan

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant

I love jokes too and don't get offended easily so feel free to PM me any you can't post :D
 
Motokid said:
What do 90% of most blondes have in common?


They get their hair color out of a bottle..... :D
In that case...


What goes blonde brunette blonde brunette blonde brunette? A blonde turning cartwheels.
 
Motokid said:
What do 90% of most blondes have in common?


They get their hair color out of a bottle..... :D


I have no shame in dying my hair! :D I think I have to mix two different bottles to get my color.

What is the mating call on the blonde? I'm so drunk!!

What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? I said.. Im DRUNK!

Whta is the mating call of the brunette? Is that blonde gone yet?

How did the blonde die ice fishing? She got run over by the Zamboni.

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie."
The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
 
Ready for some puns?
1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

7) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ery.

9) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.

10) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

11) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

12) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

13) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

14) Reintarnation (n.) Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

15) Karmageddon (n.) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

16) Sarchasm (n.) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
 
How about some more?
How do crazy people go through the forest? - They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water? - Boil the heck out of it.

What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall? - "Dam!"

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? - Polaroid's.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? - A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? - Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers? - Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? - Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow? - Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? - Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? - A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? - Anyone can
roast beef.


Why do gorillas have big nostrils? - Because they have big fingers

Why don't blind people like to sky dive? - Because it scares the heck
out of the dog.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? - Sanka.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? - The location of
the dirt bag.

Why do a pilgrim's pants always fall down? - Because they wear their
belt buckle on their hat.


What do you call a man with a car on his head? - Jack

How do you catch a unique rabbit? - Unique up on it!

How do you catch a tame rabbit? - Tame way, unique up on it!

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop clop - clop? - An Amish
drive-by shooting.

How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same? - Somebody's
gonna lose a trailer.
 
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about
something. The only time he got any relief was
when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to
eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain,
nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her
smack in the back of the head.

Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old
farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him
why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
 
1338.1

The, um, Secretary of Defense is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks:

"How many is a Brazillion?"
 
Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'
 
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of
his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping
soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and,
as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she
would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted
when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could,
and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled
up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his
partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff
that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally,
since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed,
so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home,
put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked
what kind of a time he had. He said:
- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when
you're not there.
- Did you dance much?
- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there,
I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den
and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe
what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."
 
How do you make a bear cross?

Whats ET short for?

What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog seller?
 
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says, "Well that's great. Some asshole's got my pen."
 
Jack, who is a smart businessman, talks to his son
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jackk: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case..."
This is how business is done!!
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Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
- What in the hell is that?
- A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
- Where did you get it?
- You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, she hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
- "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
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A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competitition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's
drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk, and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"
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A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About three hours." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
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A man comes into a bar, and orders 3 Vodkas. The Bartenders asks:"Man, you must have had a bad day?"
The man:"Imagine, I came back home from work, and my wife is in the bed with my best friend."
The Bartender:"Yes, I unterstand you, so what did you do?"
The man:"I told my wife to leave, then I grabbed my best friend by his ears, shacked him, looked into his eyes, and said, bad Dog, bad Dog!!!"
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