Jack, who is a smart businessman, talks to his son
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jackk: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case..."
This is how business is done!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
- What in the hell is that?
- A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
- Where did you get it?
- You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, she hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
- "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competitition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's
drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk, and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours." The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About three hours." The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man comes into a bar, and orders 3 Vodkas. The Bartenders asks:"Man, you must have had a bad day?"
The man:"Imagine, I came back home from work, and my wife is in the bed with my best friend."
The Bartender:"Yes, I unterstand you, so what did you do?"
The man:"I told my wife to leave, then I grabbed my best friend by his ears, shacked him, looked into his eyes, and said, bad Dog, bad Dog!!!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------