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Anybody got a joke?

SFG75 said:
Good lord mehastings, I think that one takes the hokey-joke of the year award. :D
Click to expand...

Oh, I've got more of them. I just bought 40 Kool-Aid (one of my biggest weaknesses) juice boxes at BJ's. They each have a wicked dorky joke on the back. After one day of constant sugar highs I have limited myself to ONE juice box a day. I'll have a new lame joke every day for a month! Here's another:

What do you call two witches that live together?






Broom Mates Yup.
 
Q.Which bug does amazing motorcycle stunts?
A.Evel Boll Weevel.

Q.What do you call little bugs that live on the moon?
A.Luna ticks...

Q.Why are frogs so happy?
A.They eat whatever bugs them.

Q.What do you get if you cross a beetle with a Rolling Stone?
A. A squashed bug...

Q.What do you call a tarantula that can't stay on a diet?
A. A wider spider.
 
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer, in fact, for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
 
A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...........
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says:
"DO YOU WANT ME TO 'STOP' OR JUST 'SLOW DOWN'?"
 
LITTLE PEDRO"

It was the first day of school and a new student named
Pedro Martinez, the son of a recently immigrated Mexican restaurateur,
entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who
had his hand up. "Patrick ! Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said,
"Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not
perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should
be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its'
history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna
puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who
said that?"

Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck
this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and
shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You
little s---. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice,
"Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around
her on the floor, someone said, "Oh s___, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
 
Four novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them "brides of Christ."

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"

One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."
 
Trust me...

YUKOS OIL, URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL TRANSACTION.
REPLY TO MY
CONFIDENTIAL EMAIL

Dear Sir/Madam,

:rolleyes:

Firstly, this is not to cause you embarrassment, I am Mr. Victor Kuzin and I
represent Mr. Mikhail Khordokovsky the former C.E.O of Yukos Oil
Company in Russia (Russian Most Largest Oil Company) Chairman CEO:
Menatep SBP Bank (A well reputable financial institution with its
branches all over the (world) .

I have a very sensitive and confidential brief from this top (oligarch) to ask for your partnership in re-profiling funds over US$31.5 million. I will give the details, but in summary, the funds are from Bank Menatep in Russia. The fund was packaged and dispatched to a security company in Europe for safe
keeping and for security reasons. I believe you have heard of the Yukos
Oil Company. This is a legitimate transaction, you will be paid 7% for
your "management fees".

SOURCE OF FUNDS:
The documents of the above
funds in question was handed over to me to be used as part payment of
an American oil merchant for his last oil deal with my boss Mikhail
Khodorkovsky.

While I was on the process, My Boss got arrested for his
involvement on politics in financing the leading and opposing political
parties (the Union of Right Forces, led by Boris Nemtsov, and Yabloko,
a liberal/social democratic party led by Gregor Yavlinsky) which poses
treat to President Vladimir Putin second tenure as Russian president.

YOUR ROLE:
All I need from you is to stand as the beneficiary of the
above quoted sum and I will arrange for the documentation which will
enable the Security Company in Europe hand over the entire deposit to
you. I have decided to use this sum to relocate to American continent
and never to be connected to any of Mikhail Khodorkovsky conglomerates.
The transaction has to be concluded in soonest before Mikhail
Khodorkovsky is out on bail.

If you are interested, please write back
by email and provide me with your confidential telephone number, fax
number and email address and I will provide further details and
instructions. Please keep this confidential; we can't afford more
political problems.

Finally, please note that this must be concluded
within two weeks.


You are to reply through my personal and private email address [email deleted]

I look forward to your response.

Regards
Mr. Victor Kuzin
 
StillILearn said:
YUKOS OIL, URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL TRANSACTION.
REPLY TO MY
CONFIDENTIAL EMAIL

Dear Sir/Madam,

:rolleyes:

Firstly, this is not to cause you embarrassment, I am Mr. Victor Kuzin and I
represent Mr. Mikhail Khordokovsky the former C.E.O of Yukos Oil
Company in Russia (Russian Most Largest Oil Company) Chairman CEO:
Menatep SBP Bank (A well reputable financial institution with its
branches all over the (world) .

I have a very sensitive and confidential brief from this top (oligarch) to ask for your partnership in re-profiling funds over US$31.5 million. I will give the details, but in summary, the funds are from Bank Menatep in Russia. The fund was packaged and dispatched to a security company in Europe for safe
keeping and for security reasons. I believe you have heard of the Yukos
Oil Company. This is a legitimate transaction, you will be paid 7% for
your "management fees".

SOURCE OF FUNDS:
The documents of the above
funds in question was handed over to me to be used as part payment of
an American oil merchant for his last oil deal with my boss Mikhail
Khodorkovsky.

While I was on the process, My Boss got arrested for his
involvement on politics in financing the leading and opposing political
parties (the Union of Right Forces, led by Boris Nemtsov, and Yabloko,
a liberal/social democratic party led by Gregor Yavlinsky) which poses
treat to President Vladimir Putin second tenure as Russian president.

YOUR ROLE:
All I need from you is to stand as the beneficiary of the
above quoted sum and I will arrange for the documentation which will
enable the Security Company in Europe hand over the entire deposit to
you. I have decided to use this sum to relocate to American continent
and never to be connected to any of Mikhail Khodorkovsky conglomerates.
The transaction has to be concluded in soonest before Mikhail
Khodorkovsky is out on bail.

If you are interested, please write back
by email and provide me with your confidential telephone number, fax
number and email address and I will provide further details and
instructions. Please keep this confidential; we can't afford more
political problems.

Finally, please note that this must be concluded
within two weeks.


You are to reply through my personal and private email address [email deleted]

I look forward to your response.

Regards
Mr. Victor Kuzin
Click to expand...

Hehe :D Yeah, I got one of these, except is was regarding some diamond miner in Africa. Needless to say, I jumped at the chance :rolleyes:
 
Sorry but Kook said I could :)

The Mole Family

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....

Scroll down.......
Get ready.....

Are you sure you're ready?
You may never forgive me for this one...


MOLASSES!
 
Ha ha, Ronny that is such a cute joke.

Here I got a corny joke.

A chicken and an egg are laying next to one another in a bed. The chicken is looking rather satisfied and smokes a cigarette while blissfully dreaming to itself. The Egg on the other hand is looking rather angry and frustrated. The Egg, in a huff, turns to the chicken and states "Well, I guess that answers THAT question." :p
 
Scottishduffy said:
Ha ha, Ronny that is such a cute joke.

Here I got a corny joke.

A chicken and an egg are laying next to one another in a bed. The chicken is looking rather satisfied and smokes a cigarette while blissfully dreaming to itself. The Egg on the other hand is looking rather angry and frustrated. The Egg, in a huff, turns to the chicken and states "Well, I guess that answers THAT question." :p
Click to expand...

That was funny, I spit out my coffee :D
 
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