Kenny Shovel
Active Member
I took my son to the local zoo but the only animal they had was a dog. It was a shitzu.
Worst. Joke. Ever.
Worst. Joke. Ever.
-
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Anybody got a joke?
- Thread starter Motokid
- Start date
Kenny Shovel
Active Member
It was this guy, good luck in tracking him down:CDA said:I'm afraid that I am now going to make it my life's work to track down and kill the person responsible for this 'joke'.
turque
New Member
I am showing you the best thing I read for years... I am still laughing (since this morning, when I first read this)!!!
Check this out:
30 Chuck Norris facts
1 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2 Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.
3 Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
4 Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
5 Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
6 Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't
fcuk with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.
7 Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
8 Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
9 To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds
of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
10 Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
11 The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
12Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
13 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
14 Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living sh1t out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game
forfeited.
15 Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
16 Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
17 When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
18 Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
19 Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
20 Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
21 When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
22 After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
23 Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
24 When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
25 Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
26 Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the sh1t out of little kids.
27 The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
28 One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
29 Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
30 A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Check this out:30 Chuck Norris facts
1 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2 Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.
3 Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
4 Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
5 Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
6 Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't
fcuk with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.
7 Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
8 Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
9 To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds
of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
10 Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
11 The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
12Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
13 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
14 Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living sh1t out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game
forfeited.
15 Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
16 Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
17 When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
18 Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
19 Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
20 Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
21 When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
22 After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
23 Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
24 When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
25 Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
26 Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the sh1t out of little kids.
27 The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
28 One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
29 Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
30 A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Kenny Shovel
Active Member
Mmm, this seems very similar to the 'facts' you get on one of my favourite sites:turque said:
http://www.4q.cc/vin/
cajunmama
Active Member
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of year 12 girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of year 12 girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators
Motokid
New Member
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied: "Cause you're ugly"
A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied: "Cause you're ugly"
Isabell
Active Member
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
Miss Shelf
New Member
JACK'S TELEPHONE NUMBER
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states
that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone jack before cleaning.
Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states
that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone jack before cleaning.
Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
letterHead
Member
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who’ve had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”
So the first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally I went out to the balcony and sure enough there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above the ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off! So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and started hammering on his fingers. Of course he couldn’t stand that for long so he let go and fell — but even after 25 stories, he fell into to the bushes, stunned, but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me and I had a heart attack and died right there on the balcony.”
“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and asks for his story.
“It’s been a very strange day. You see I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every afternoon I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky and caught the railing of balcony on the floor below me. I knew I coudn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out on to the balcony. I thought for sure I ws saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me! I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned by all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this *refrigerator* comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”
Once again, Peter has to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death and let him in.
The third man, came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator…”
So the first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally I went out to the balcony and sure enough there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above the ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off! So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and started hammering on his fingers. Of course he couldn’t stand that for long so he let go and fell — but even after 25 stories, he fell into to the bushes, stunned, but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me and I had a heart attack and died right there on the balcony.”
“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and asks for his story.
“It’s been a very strange day. You see I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every afternoon I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky and caught the railing of balcony on the floor below me. I knew I coudn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out on to the balcony. I thought for sure I ws saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me! I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned by all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this *refrigerator* comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”
Once again, Peter has to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death and let him in.
The third man, came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator…”
MonkeyCatcher
New Member
Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick
A: A brick
StillILearn
New Member
From what dim recesses of your brain did this one come, CDA?
jaybe
Member
Tommy Cooper jokes
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts.The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
-----------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
----------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant
pulled him in.
------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I
know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
----------------------------------------
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts.The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
-----------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
----------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant
pulled him in.
------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I
know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
----------------------------------------
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
