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Anybody got a joke?
- Thread starter Motokid
- Start date
StillILearn
New Member
Martin said:
I'll bite.
Ronny
Well-Known Member
Subject: A Mistake!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during
a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel
where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his
room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally
left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his
error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during
a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel
where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his
room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally
left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his
error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
Ronny
Well-Known Member
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he said.
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?"
she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the rest of the
family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are
we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted
to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my
son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with
my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come
into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... get excited. Just
the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron." We were silent,
absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And
giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny
little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our
son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks... 1 - Cage - 20 bucks Trip to the Vet ...30
bucks...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's you know what........Priceless!
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?"
she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the rest of the
family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are
we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted
to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my
son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with
my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come
into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... get excited. Just
the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron." We were silent,
absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And
giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny
little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our
son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks... 1 - Cage - 20 bucks Trip to the Vet ...30
bucks...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's you know what........Priceless!
Stewart
Active Member
Since priests are dominating the conversations...and TV...and other planet, etc.
A priest is going on holiday and a temporary priest agrees to take his place while he heads off to put his feet up for two weeks.
"It's all rather simple," says the resident priest, "you do the mass and then receive punters in the confessional. And, that's simple too, as everyone visits in the same order and they always confess the same sins."
"That's handy," replies the temp.
"So, what I've done for you is written down the list and how to resolve them and pinned it to the wall of the confessional."
"Thanks"
"So, you need not worry. Anyway, I've got a holiday to go on so I'll see you in two weeks."
"Okay," replies the temp, "have fun father."
So, the following week comes round and the the temporary priest delivers his first mass and then enters the confessional.
The first person enters. "Forgive me father for I have sinned. It has been one week since my last confession."
"What was it you did child?"
"I stole money from my place of work."
The priest looks at the paper pinned to the wall and reads the first item on the list - Problem: Steals Money - Advice: Return money and apologise.
The priest rhymes of this advice and forgives the confessee.
The next person comes in and states that she is having an affair with her sister's husband. The priest looks at the second item, finds it, gives the advice and forgives the person.
Next in comes another woman and asks forgiveness for giving her husband a blowjob. The priest looks at his list but the third item is not blowjobs but violence. He looks down the list and there's no mention of blowjobs anywhere. Bugger, he thinks. What does I do?
Panicking, he jumps out of the confessional and accosts a passing choirboy. "You boy," he shouts, "what does the priest give for blowjobs?"
"Mars bars," the choirboy responds.
A priest is going on holiday and a temporary priest agrees to take his place while he heads off to put his feet up for two weeks.
"It's all rather simple," says the resident priest, "you do the mass and then receive punters in the confessional. And, that's simple too, as everyone visits in the same order and they always confess the same sins."
"That's handy," replies the temp.
"So, what I've done for you is written down the list and how to resolve them and pinned it to the wall of the confessional."
"Thanks"
"So, you need not worry. Anyway, I've got a holiday to go on so I'll see you in two weeks."
"Okay," replies the temp, "have fun father."
So, the following week comes round and the the temporary priest delivers his first mass and then enters the confessional.
The first person enters. "Forgive me father for I have sinned. It has been one week since my last confession."
"What was it you did child?"
"I stole money from my place of work."
The priest looks at the paper pinned to the wall and reads the first item on the list - Problem: Steals Money - Advice: Return money and apologise.
The priest rhymes of this advice and forgives the confessee.
The next person comes in and states that she is having an affair with her sister's husband. The priest looks at the second item, finds it, gives the advice and forgives the person.
Next in comes another woman and asks forgiveness for giving her husband a blowjob. The priest looks at his list but the third item is not blowjobs but violence. He looks down the list and there's no mention of blowjobs anywhere. Bugger, he thinks. What does I do?
Panicking, he jumps out of the confessional and accosts a passing choirboy. "You boy," he shouts, "what does the priest give for blowjobs?"
"Mars bars," the choirboy responds.
a woman is running around in the morning trying to get her family out the door on time. on top of all the other things she has to do that morning she also has an apointment with her gyno for a pap test. she is running late and once everyone is out the door realizes she doesn't have time to do a full grooming session so she grabs the cloth on the bathroom counter and quickly tidiness up.
she gets to the doctors and is up in the stirrups having the awkward pre-pap conversation. the doctor pulls up the sheet and looks a little surprised and says " well someone made a special effort today" she feels it's an odd comment but thinks nothing of it and goes about her day.
at home that evening her youngest daugher comes up to her looking upset and says mom where is the cloth that was in the bathroom? she says that she put it in the laundry and the daughter getting even more upset says, " all my sparkles were on that!!!"
she gets to the doctors and is up in the stirrups having the awkward pre-pap conversation. the doctor pulls up the sheet and looks a little surprised and says " well someone made a special effort today" she feels it's an odd comment but thinks nothing of it and goes about her day.
at home that evening her youngest daugher comes up to her looking upset and says mom where is the cloth that was in the bathroom? she says that she put it in the laundry and the daughter getting even more upset says, " all my sparkles were on that!!!"
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:
* I do physical labor.
* I work at great depths.
* I plunge head first into everything I do.
* I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
* I work in a damp environment.
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
* I work in high temperatures.
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
The Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
* You do not work 8 hours straight.
* You fall asleep after brief work periods.
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
* You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen
visiting other locations.
* You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
*You leave your workplace rather messy at the end of your
shift.
*You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such
as wearing the correct protective clothing.
*You will retire well before you are 65.
*You are unable to work double shifts.
*You sometimes leave your designated work area before you
have completed the assigned task.
*And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly
entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
following reasons:
* I do physical labor.
* I work at great depths.
* I plunge head first into everything I do.
* I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
* I work in a damp environment.
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
* I work in high temperatures.
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
The Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
* You do not work 8 hours straight.
* You fall asleep after brief work periods.
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
* You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen
visiting other locations.
* You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
*You leave your workplace rather messy at the end of your
shift.
*You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such
as wearing the correct protective clothing.
*You will retire well before you are 65.
*You are unable to work double shifts.
*You sometimes leave your designated work area before you
have completed the assigned task.
*And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly
entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
dolz
New Member
Noddy woke up feeling VERY excited. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and his porridge was nice and hot and sugary, and today he was going to see his very very bestest friend- BigEars!!!
He got out of bed, stretched his happy little arms and put on his jangly little hat with the bell on the end. His jangly little belled hat belled merrily as he bounced through his house.
'Good morning, sun!' he sang cheerfully, and the sun twinkled back at him.
'Good morning, birdies' to the little singing birdies who chirriped gaily back at him.
'Good morning, porridge', to the porridge, which didn't say anything back to him, but went gloooop. Noddy sat on his little red chair and ate his porridge, a lot faster than he knew was sensible, but today, it didn't really matter. Ooooooh, he was SO excited.
After brushing his pearly white teeth, and scrubbing his red little cheeks, Noddy and his happy, jangly little hat went out to wash his car. 'My car MUST be looking its best for a trip to my bestest friend BigEars!' .
As he washed his car till it gleamed so much he could see his smiley little reflection in it, Noddy sang a little, special song, his cheery little hat nod-nod-nodding up and down, keeping time with a 'janglejanglejangle'.
'Off to see BigEars, in my little car! Off to see BigEars, who's very very far (away). Off to see BigEars, his ears are big and eary, off to see BigEars, who's really rather hairy.'
Noddys twinkly little voice drew rabbits and mice out of their hidey-holes. They sat at his feet to listen.
"Hello, cute little fluffy bunnies!!! Hello, fuzzy little mice!" he tinkled happily. They tinkled happily back at him.
Noddy was EXTRA excited, because as much as he enjoyed washing his little car usually, today he was using new environmentally friendly car cleaner! Oooooohhh, BigEars WOULD be proud!!! he just could not WAIT to see the look on BigEars' face when he and his little shiny car turned up!!!
When the little bunnies and mice had scurried off to a tea party, Noddy was able to leave-finally!!!-to see....BIGEARS!!! HOORAH!!! (Noddy hadn't wanted to squish any furry little visitors by mistake, which is why he waited until they had left before leaving happily himself)-toot!' he was off!
Noddy drove along in the sunshine, waving to the pretty little flowers, smiling to himself. Ohhh, he WAS excited. 'Hello there fat policeman! Hello, Bess! Hello, stranger! Hello, hedgehog!'
Noddy thought he might just BURST with excitement. Just imagine, him and BIGEARS!!!
After an hour of happy, if somewhat erratic driving, Noddy pulled up outside BigEars house. he adjusted his jangly, merry little hat, brightened up his cheery, cheery smile, and......ooooooohhhh it was just TOO hard to contain himself.
"BIGEARS!!!" he shouted gaily to BigEars, who was inside having a lovely sweet warm cup of tea, and a chocolate timtam bickie. "BIGGGEARRRRRRSSSSS!!!!!"
BigEars looked out his window and groaned.
"**** off, Noddy." he said.
He got out of bed, stretched his happy little arms and put on his jangly little hat with the bell on the end. His jangly little belled hat belled merrily as he bounced through his house.
'Good morning, sun!' he sang cheerfully, and the sun twinkled back at him.
'Good morning, birdies' to the little singing birdies who chirriped gaily back at him.
'Good morning, porridge', to the porridge, which didn't say anything back to him, but went gloooop. Noddy sat on his little red chair and ate his porridge, a lot faster than he knew was sensible, but today, it didn't really matter. Ooooooh, he was SO excited.
After brushing his pearly white teeth, and scrubbing his red little cheeks, Noddy and his happy, jangly little hat went out to wash his car. 'My car MUST be looking its best for a trip to my bestest friend BigEars!' .
As he washed his car till it gleamed so much he could see his smiley little reflection in it, Noddy sang a little, special song, his cheery little hat nod-nod-nodding up and down, keeping time with a 'janglejanglejangle'.
'Off to see BigEars, in my little car! Off to see BigEars, who's very very far (away). Off to see BigEars, his ears are big and eary, off to see BigEars, who's really rather hairy.'
Noddys twinkly little voice drew rabbits and mice out of their hidey-holes. They sat at his feet to listen.
"Hello, cute little fluffy bunnies!!! Hello, fuzzy little mice!" he tinkled happily. They tinkled happily back at him.
Noddy was EXTRA excited, because as much as he enjoyed washing his little car usually, today he was using new environmentally friendly car cleaner! Oooooohhh, BigEars WOULD be proud!!! he just could not WAIT to see the look on BigEars' face when he and his little shiny car turned up!!!
When the little bunnies and mice had scurried off to a tea party, Noddy was able to leave-finally!!!-to see....BIGEARS!!! HOORAH!!! (Noddy hadn't wanted to squish any furry little visitors by mistake, which is why he waited until they had left before leaving happily himself)-toot!' he was off!
Noddy drove along in the sunshine, waving to the pretty little flowers, smiling to himself. Ohhh, he WAS excited. 'Hello there fat policeman! Hello, Bess! Hello, stranger! Hello, hedgehog!'
Noddy thought he might just BURST with excitement. Just imagine, him and BIGEARS!!!
After an hour of happy, if somewhat erratic driving, Noddy pulled up outside BigEars house. he adjusted his jangly, merry little hat, brightened up his cheery, cheery smile, and......ooooooohhhh it was just TOO hard to contain himself.
"BIGEARS!!!" he shouted gaily to BigEars, who was inside having a lovely sweet warm cup of tea, and a chocolate timtam bickie. "BIGGGEARRRRRRSSSSS!!!!!"
BigEars looked out his window and groaned.
"**** off, Noddy." he said.
Genie
New Member
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Genie
New Member
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My
elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a
diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten
seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He
deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer
ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the
results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.
The computer prints the following:
1. "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a
diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten
seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He
deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer
ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the
results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.
The computer prints the following:
1. "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
Genie
New Member
And one more.....
SiX TYPES OF SEX
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
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CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
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WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
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WOMEN'S HUMOR
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
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One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment ... killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex . he could fly."
SiX TYPES OF SEX
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
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LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
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QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WOMEN'S HUMOR
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment ... killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex . he could fly."