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marriage
- Thread starter jenn
- Start date
RitalinKid
New Member
I've had a long distance relationship for almost 7 years now. Does this count at all? We've gotten the chance to live together for about one year, but she was working and I was in college at the time. Now, she's in med school, and I'm working. 
We are different in ways, but we are similar in many ways. It's learning how to communicate, learning things about ourselves and learning how to deal with each other that's been successful until now.
I'll probably be hammered for saying this but whatever. After I read The Third Chimpanzee by Jared Diamond, I can't stop seeing us all as just animals who finally utilized the ultimate tool of communication to improve our other tools and our position in the food chain. Other animals have all the same traits as us: they bond, they cheat, they whore, they murder, they communicate, etc. It's really amazing. My point is just that bonding with one person is for great for some and not for others. Somewhere along the way, we developed religion, and Western religions urge everyone to marry and settle down. I just don't think that's the way for everyone. So, if you want to bond, learn what makes a good relationship and how to make it work. If you don't ever see yourself settling, don't marry because of pressure.
We are different in ways, but we are similar in many ways. It's learning how to communicate, learning things about ourselves and learning how to deal with each other that's been successful until now. I'll probably be hammered for saying this but whatever. After I read The Third Chimpanzee by Jared Diamond, I can't stop seeing us all as just animals who finally utilized the ultimate tool of communication to improve our other tools and our position in the food chain. Other animals have all the same traits as us: they bond, they cheat, they whore, they murder, they communicate, etc. It's really amazing. My point is just that bonding with one person is for great for some and not for others. Somewhere along the way, we developed religion, and Western religions urge everyone to marry and settle down. I just don't think that's the way for everyone. So, if you want to bond, learn what makes a good relationship and how to make it work. If you don't ever see yourself settling, don't marry because of pressure.
I'm currently engaged to be married, so I'm hopeful that it's all for something!
I said yes to my future husband because I want to take his name in a declaration of how much I love him. I want to have the security and comfort of being with someone for the rest of my life, and I believe that is sanctified by marriage.
I said yes to my future husband because I want to take his name in a declaration of how much I love him. I want to have the security and comfort of being with someone for the rest of my life, and I believe that is sanctified by marriage.
imo there is no set definition of marriage. i think it falls under all the things that ell listed and if that means you live long distance, or in the same apt, who is anyone to say what you have isn't a marriage.
rit, your 7 years long distance is as much a commitment as sanyuja's new married status.
my mom always says that you never know what goes on in someone else's marriage. we see a picture of what they look like on the outside, and we may discuss what happens on the inside, but it is an enigma to everyone except the 2 involved.
i have every hope and intention of making it to my 32nd anniversary.
i've often heard the statistic, so it is hearsay, i'm unsure of the validity, that people that live together are more likely to get a divorce. i always wondered at that and i think that in their surveys or however they gather this info, maybe they are forgetting a crucial question. were they happy before they married? i know of at least 3 couples in my circle of friends who lived to togther, got married and are now enroute to divorce. they all said when they were getting married that they felt making a deeper commitment would fix things. things will be better when we are married. throwing money at money problems never works, and the same applies i think.
rit, your 7 years long distance is as much a commitment as sanyuja's new married status.
my mom always says that you never know what goes on in someone else's marriage. we see a picture of what they look like on the outside, and we may discuss what happens on the inside, but it is an enigma to everyone except the 2 involved.
i have every hope and intention of making it to my 32nd anniversary.
i've often heard the statistic, so it is hearsay, i'm unsure of the validity, that people that live together are more likely to get a divorce. i always wondered at that and i think that in their surveys or however they gather this info, maybe they are forgetting a crucial question. were they happy before they married? i know of at least 3 couples in my circle of friends who lived to togther, got married and are now enroute to divorce. they all said when they were getting married that they felt making a deeper commitment would fix things. things will be better when we are married. throwing money at money problems never works, and the same applies i think.
Motokid
New Member
met my wife 19 years ago in June
started living together 17 years ago
will be married 15 years in June
She is definitely, and without question, the best friend I've ever had.
There is no one else on the planet I've spent more time with, and been through so much with. Would not change a thing.
We got married because we knew we would be having kids, and for their sake figured it'd be best. The commitment has always been there whether with a piece of paper or not.
My duaghter says she's one of only 2 kids in her class who live with both biological parents. It's pretty sad. It seems some people put more thought into buying a car than picking a mate.
started living together 17 years ago
will be married 15 years in June
She is definitely, and without question, the best friend I've ever had.
There is no one else on the planet I've spent more time with, and been through so much with. Would not change a thing.
We got married because we knew we would be having kids, and for their sake figured it'd be best. The commitment has always been there whether with a piece of paper or not.
My duaghter says she's one of only 2 kids in her class who live with both biological parents. It's pretty sad. It seems some people put more thought into buying a car than picking a mate.
RitalinKid
New Member
"they all said when they were getting married that they felt making a deeper commitment would fix things."
Jenn, so many people make the mistake of thinking that marriage will fix anything that's wrong, and you can't tell them otherwise. Already, two of my friends are divorced, and in both cases, there were issues. In one, they were small, and in the other they were big and easy to see for everyone except the people IN the relationship. Marriage is not a fix. If anything, marriage can make small problems bigger problems.
Jenn, so many people make the mistake of thinking that marriage will fix anything that's wrong, and you can't tell them otherwise. Already, two of my friends are divorced, and in both cases, there were issues. In one, they were small, and in the other they were big and easy to see for everyone except the people IN the relationship. Marriage is not a fix. If anything, marriage can make small problems bigger problems.
cajunmama
Active Member
I've been married for 11 years. I've seen couples around us split all the time, usually it goes in spurts, three or four couples all within the same week, then no one for months. As my hubby's aunt said once, many people confuse like for love. And I have to agree with her. There have been times in my marriage, and every other one, I'm sure, where I haven't liked my husband, when the urge to choke him has been nearly overwhelming. But, then he apologizes for being a total ass, and I forgive him. Sometimes, I am the one being an ass and I have to apologize. But, through it all, we always have loved each other. Even through the rough times, we still sleep in the same bed, holding each other every night. Marriage means sticking through the rough times when you don't like each other because you love each other. Marriage means asking for forgiveness when you mess up, and it means giving forgiveness when the other messes up.
Some advice for the as yet unmarried. The most important question you need to ask yourself is not, "do I want to live with this person for the rest of my life?" It is "Do I want to take care of this person for the rest of my life?" Imagine this worst case scenario: The day after the wedding, you are both in a horrible car accident. You emerge unscathed, whereas your spouse is now and will forever be totally dependent on you for all his/her needs. Are you willing to spend the next 40 years caring for this person? If you are not, don't get married.
Some advice for the as yet unmarried. The most important question you need to ask yourself is not, "do I want to live with this person for the rest of my life?" It is "Do I want to take care of this person for the rest of my life?" Imagine this worst case scenario: The day after the wedding, you are both in a horrible car accident. You emerge unscathed, whereas your spouse is now and will forever be totally dependent on you for all his/her needs. Are you willing to spend the next 40 years caring for this person? If you are not, don't get married.
Ell
Well-Known Member
Absolutely true.cajunmama said:
There are also times people get caught up in little arguments that go 'round and 'round - with no resolution in sight. This kind of pettiness eventually erodes the best relationship. Sometimes it's just NOT important who's right or wrong. You need to be able to look past the pettiness of some situations and let it go.
Great advice.
cajunmama said:
i think people enter into marriage and fail to ask some really crucial questions. there is so much emphasis on the day, the dress, the food, and they forget that this isn't about one day. we got married in a church for various reasons, but the church required that we have couple counselling, like a weekend workshop. we showed up with 15 other couples and th people running the course addressed issues of division of labour, kids, money etc. and my husband turned to me and said, if people haven't dealt with these things yet then why are they getting married?
we had friends divorce this year because one wanted kids and the other didn't. how did this happen? did it never come up, or did it and one was hoping the other would change their mind down the road?
i don't think any relationship is infallible. what i want to know is, the relationships that end after 10-20-30 years, what happened? how did they go from working together to ending? i know there is no "answer" but i want to know the pitfalls to avoid. i want to be ell, not tom and nicole.
cajunmama
Active Member
jenngorham said:i think people enter into marriage and fail to ask some really crucial questions.
we had friends divorce this year because one wanted kids and the other didn't. how did this happen? did it never come up, or did it and one was hoping the other would change their mind down the road?
You are so right.
My sister-in-law would love a baby, but her hubby says no. I feel bad for her.
My hubby got a wake-up call about a year ago. His cousin and his wife split up and my hubby was sure it was just a thing, and they'd get back together. I knew better (the wife is like a sister to me) and told him so. I also pointed out that his behavior to me is a whole lot like his cousin's behavior to his wife and that if something didn't change, we were looking at our future.
He thought about that for a long time. Things have been a lot better.
Motokid
New Member
I'd say more confuse lust for love, than like for love.
If the entire relationship revolves around sex, then it's more than likely doomed. Sex is not THE most important part of a relationship.
If you can't just hang out and be friends you may be making a big mistake.
The percentage of time you'll spend not in bed far outweighs the time you'll spend in bed.
If the entire relationship revolves around sex, then it's more than likely doomed. Sex is not THE most important part of a relationship.
If you can't just hang out and be friends you may be making a big mistake.
The percentage of time you'll spend not in bed far outweighs the time you'll spend in bed.
bobbyburns
New Member
more criticize those who've confused lust with love, but, themselves, confuse love with security.
but isn't one of the greater parts of love the security. being in love but insecure in that love is torture, often because the love is not returned with equal measure. one of the best things about love is the security it offers, a soft place to fall, with out criticism(SP?) without judgement.