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marriage

RitalinKid said:
Let me ask you more experienced people a question. I see all the time that one of the most important issues in a relationship is religion. Despite being raised as a conservative Christian, recently I've rejected my faith. This really bothers my girlfriend because she is still a Christian (although not devout); she questions a lot of the Christian writings. I'm a little confused because she told me she doesn't believe in hell, but still thinks that faith plays a part in the afterlife. :confused: This is a rather recent development. How do you see this affecting our relationship?
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it's a hard call. if she is just questioning her beliefs and faith then be supportive and it should be fine. i think the problems arise when one persons beliefs start to contradict the other lifestyle. friends of ours are going through this now. she has become a born again and feels very strongly about drinking, movies, and rock and roll. he feels that he is 40 years old and should be able to have a beer in his house and go to a movie now and then. it has become a huge obstacle as there doesn't appear to be any way to compromise, someone will have to sacrifice something. which happens in relationships, and is not always a bad thing. but if there can be no reconcilliation, or one person is constantly sacrificing for the other, then it is a bad thing. they are still at logger heads over it.
my husband and i have very different views on god, and we have decided to leave it at that. imo one's belief in god)s) is personal like a marriage or a relationship. it is between me and god.

just another point that religion, if important to either person, should ALWAYS be discussed before kids.
 
How does it effect your relationship now?
Do you agree to disagree, and get on with other things, or do you outright argue?

The important word I saw was girlfriend. You're not bound by marriage yet, but I understand that commitment is not always directly tied to a piece of paper.

If you and her can have civil differences of opinions that don't avalanche into catastrophic arguements and name calling you'll probably be alright.
If your religious differences worms its way into every single arguement or discussion, you have you may be facing a larger problem.

For me, a lot would depend on how the conversation tends to go when the differences are addressed.
 
Moto, we've been dating for 7 years, longer than most married people my age have even known each other. We get along great. We have little tiffs every now and then, but they're usually over misunderstandings (i.e., "That's what I said!" "No, you said ______." "No, that's what you thought I said." "Ugh.") Nothing big. We usually keep it pretty civil. However, she's in med school, and she definitely has the god complex that doctors are famed for. She's never wrong (in her mind). She may come back after a few days and realize she was wrong. However, this topic stresses her out to the point that it changes her mood and she doesn't seem to want to finish the conversation. I think she'll just get over it, but I was wondering what you guys that have been married for a while think.
 
Hmmmm, that's a tough one.
Maybe a different tact is:

Why does the topic come up? Is one of you insisting on trying to "change" the other persons opinions?

There's no reason why two people can't exist in harmony yet still have very different opinions on things, but both parties have to agree that the relationship as a whole is way more important than a few differences of opinion. The problems come when one tries to change the other.
 
Well, she gets a little huffy and condescending when we try to talk about the issue of faith. We went to see a Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit last weekend, and she said to me, "Why do you care about the Dead Sea Scrolls?" implying that since I have no religious faith that I have no reason to care. She's explained to me several times that she doesn't see the point to living if there's no god, but I don't feel that way at all. So, what I'm getting at is that this issue is causing some underlying problems that I don't want to cause major problems down the road.
 
I don’t know. I think I have to back out of this one. Religion and god are non-issues in my house. To me, the existence of a god that could create “the heavens and the earth” is just as difficult a theory to have faith in as the theory that all this exists by chance. Both require some kind of blind faith. Both have their merits and their faults. Neither can be proved or disproved. As I mentioned in another thread, I try not to have blind faith, and on this matter I don’t have blind faith. I question it all and enjoy the debate fully. I’d love to have it here but I understand the problems that arise in such a discussion. That’s too bad. I bet lots here have lots to say about it.

All I can think is you’ve been together for 7 years. You’ve had many experiences and been through a lot. Is this one issue so important that it could put your 7 years in jeopardy? Is there no compromise that you can both agree upon? If you both wrote out what your plans and dreams would be for the next 10-20 years of your life, would you both include each other in those plans? Would you both have children between you in those plans? If so, you really have to reach a common ground on this issue that you can both live happily with. Sorry for the blabber, and sorry for offering absolutely no help at all. Hope it can be worked out.
 
Motokid said:
Sorry for the blabber, and sorry for offering absolutely no help at all.
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:) Don't worry about it. Blabber is good.

This isn't threatening our relationship now. I was just worried about the future is all.
 
This is the sort of issue that can really cause friction in a relationship because it can impact so many different aspects of your life. If she becomes more interested in religion and makes new friends who share that perspective, will they not approve of her relationship with a non-believer? And then when you start making decisions on how to raise kids, it can really impact that as well. Of course, if you can find a compromise on this, you've probably got a lot of good life/relationship skills under your belt and that's a good thing.
 
Hey Ritalinkid, you made mention that this was a relatively recent issue. Did something happen in her life that could have caused this upswell of religious emotion? Perhaps a death in the family, or a close friend, or an illness like cancer in somebody close? If it's a direct result of something like that my guess is it'll subside with time.

However, as you get older these types of life changing events become more frequent. Something to think about as well.
 
Motokid said:
However, as you get older these types of life changing events become more frequent. Something to think about as well.
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true enough. my mom has recently gone back to church, however she respects my dad's very adverse reaction to any sort of organized religion and never pushes it on him, and he always asks about what happened and the service.


it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking your life partner has got to be on the same page as you and vice versa about big and small issues alike, and that is not true. what is important is to be accepting of their (hobbies, faith, work, views) what have you. and they of yours. i think the biggest pitfall is what i was saying before, if something they believe or do is in direct conflict with yours and neither of you is williing to compromise. and i don't mean that someone is being stubborn and digging their heals in just to be difficult, but really feels strongly about the issue ie drinking. one can hardly practice what they preach while condoning their life partners behaviour. it makes them feel like a hypocrit.
so that is why always keeping those lines of communication open and asking hard questions. see where she thinks this might be going. and point out that it is unfair of her to question your interest in new things, just because you don't have a prior interest or belief, doesn't mean you are not still open to knowledge. it's the quickest way to shut down someone's willingness to learn and participate by being confrontational.
this will sound very dr.phil, but make "i" statements as much as possible. i am interested in the dead sea scrolls because..... i want to support you in this but am unsure of what you need from me.......i feel frustrated when......it sounds so hokey but what you feel is what you feel. it can't be wrong.




wow was that preachy or what? :eek:
 
jenngorham said:
this will sound very dr.phil, but make "i" statements as much as possible. i am interested in the dead sea scrolls because..... i want to support you in this but am unsure of what you need from me.......i feel frustrated when......it sounds so hokey but what you feel is what you feel. it can't be wrong.
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This has to be coupled with the fact that your partner responds to the 'i' statements. What if your partner still doesn't think you're right, or couldn't be bothered about what you think despite your sincere efforts to let him/her know how you feel? "You made yourself feel this way..."

This sometimes happens when there's a misunderstanding with my wife. Sometimes there's a point where the only way to get the point across is some time alone to reflect.

Actually, I wanted to say to Magemanda: Congratulations! I wish you the best for your future together, and find joy and happiness as often as is humanly possible in a lifetime together. :)

ds
 
direstraits said:
This has to be coupled with the fact that your partner responds to the 'i' statements. What if your partner still doesn't think you're right, or couldn't be bothered about what you think despite your sincere efforts to let him/her know how you feel? "You made yourself feel this way..."

ds
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i guess that is where most fights or arguements fail, and i mean fail because they can be a productive part of a relationship. conflict is good as long as it is handled well. imo if you are trying to express your opinion in the hopes of being right then that is a problem all on it's own. i know for me personally, it is not so much that i want to be right as i want to be heard, and have someone say, ok i don't agree but i see your point. which leads to the next thing you said about them not being bothered. that is really a big problem i think. as irrational as what you are feeling may be, you are still feeling it. something is happening that is making you upset or angry, and if your partener seems indifferent, then maybe 2 things have to happen. one you have to look at what is really bugging you, and if it still comes back to the same thing, then you have to look at this person and say, to them, why are you not interested in this. this is something that causes me grief or pain or aggravation, and by you disregarding it, makes it seem even bigger than what it is.
 
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