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The Therapy Thread
- Thread starter sirmyk
- Start date
novella
Active Member
Hi Doc,
Feel better? No, it's just me now. Letchy went to eat Karl Rove's hotdog. No, that's not a metaphor. I think he has an eating disorder. If I were you, I'd hide that coffee cake before he comes back.
Look, who's the doctor around here? Sit down and take some notes, would ya? Try looking concerned for a change.
Okay . . . so you know, my social intelligence is quite high? Through the roof, to be modest. But life gives you lemonade, doesn't it. So my math intelligence is down in the addition-only section. Which is why I want to marry someone financially acumenical, if you get my drift. Buckos. Opposites attract, right? So, I read in the paper that your brother-in-law is big at Solomon Brothers and coming into a divorce of sorts. Think you can do a little love therapy in that direction? Huh?
Time's up? Look, can I owe you for this one? I spent my last five on the new Vogue.
Feel better? No, it's just me now. Letchy went to eat Karl Rove's hotdog. No, that's not a metaphor. I think he has an eating disorder. If I were you, I'd hide that coffee cake before he comes back.
Look, who's the doctor around here? Sit down and take some notes, would ya? Try looking concerned for a change.
Okay . . . so you know, my social intelligence is quite high? Through the roof, to be modest. But life gives you lemonade, doesn't it. So my math intelligence is down in the addition-only section. Which is why I want to marry someone financially acumenical, if you get my drift. Buckos. Opposites attract, right? So, I read in the paper that your brother-in-law is big at Solomon Brothers and coming into a divorce of sorts. Think you can do a little love therapy in that direction? Huh?
Time's up? Look, can I owe you for this one? I spent my last five on the new Vogue.
novella
Active Member
Doctor Sirmyk: Novella? Is that you? You look horrible. Why are you wearing a pup tent?
Novella: Huh? Ugh. I don't know. I'm depressed. I want to kill myself. I need help.
DS: Well, I have a letter-opener on the desk over there. You could fall on that.
N: Not that kind of help.
DS: Hmm, let's see. I can push you out the window?
N: Don't you think you should talk me out of it?
DS: That wouldn't be very empowering, now would it, Novella? I believe my role is to help you achieve your goals. Isn't that right?
N: I guess so. But before I actually kill myself I want to be famous and have a good long soak in one of those special Japanese bathtubs. Also, I wouldn't mind visiting the ten best beaches in the world.
DS: Those are material goals, Novella. I can only help you with your inner development.
N: Well, I do have a little acid indigestion from the whiskey sour. Do you have any Tums?
DS: Novella, I don't think we're making progress. I have other patients, but I seem to be spending way too much time with you. And yet your problems are so trivial. I want you to think about that.
N: Is life itself trivial? Is a bird trivial? A small and delicate flower? An ant chewing on a little bit of dried jelly on a countertop? A leaf that got run over by a Mercedes? What about Zen and stuff? What about the meaning of things that mean something? I'm having a despair attack.
Novella: Huh? Ugh. I don't know. I'm depressed. I want to kill myself. I need help.
DS: Well, I have a letter-opener on the desk over there. You could fall on that.
N: Not that kind of help.
DS: Hmm, let's see. I can push you out the window?
N: Don't you think you should talk me out of it?
DS: That wouldn't be very empowering, now would it, Novella? I believe my role is to help you achieve your goals. Isn't that right?
N: I guess so. But before I actually kill myself I want to be famous and have a good long soak in one of those special Japanese bathtubs. Also, I wouldn't mind visiting the ten best beaches in the world.
DS: Those are material goals, Novella. I can only help you with your inner development.
N: Well, I do have a little acid indigestion from the whiskey sour. Do you have any Tums?
DS: Novella, I don't think we're making progress. I have other patients, but I seem to be spending way too much time with you. And yet your problems are so trivial. I want you to think about that.
N: Is life itself trivial? Is a bird trivial? A small and delicate flower? An ant chewing on a little bit of dried jelly on a countertop? A leaf that got run over by a Mercedes? What about Zen and stuff? What about the meaning of things that mean something? I'm having a despair attack.
Leolioness4200
New Member
I don't like it when my cousin (who is pregnant) tells me everyday "I'm pregnant." she is due next month and everytime she says that to me I just want to slap her. I mean come on she's 8 months along she doesn't have to remind me every single day that "she's pregnant" I know this by looking at her!!!!
Scottishduffy
New Member
I need to rant and this is a good place. I hate hurricane shopping! Wandering through the grocery store, I wonder if this is what it felt like to attempt to shop in the USSR. Bare shelves and too many people. I also hate having to camp out at the hospital. Since I am part of the hurricane team which is there during the storm, I have to stay there. We sleep on the floors and just around, changing shifts every 12 hours to keep the hospital going. Necessary, but the last time I did this I had a sore back for days. Grrr!!! Okee, I just needed to complain about that.
Better now.
Better now.
leckert
New Member
leckert notices the remnants of a freshly sniffed sandwich. He picks it up, turns it over in his hand, and stuffs half of it in his mouth. He shoos a stray cat out of the office.
"Anybothy got any mulk?" asks leckert, through a plug half masticated PB&J.
Hey, Novel lady, quit sucking up all the good Doctor's time. There's some guy out here named Peter, though he can't spell it right. He think's he's a doctor. This guy really needs help.
I gotta frying pan around here somewhere.
leeckert pats his pockets and searches the floor where he is standing.
Maybe you could hit yourself in the head with that? Might take a couple of whacks, but it should work. Heavy cast iron, you know.
"Anybothy got any mulk?" asks leckert, through a plug half masticated PB&J.
Hey, Novel lady, quit sucking up all the good Doctor's time. There's some guy out here named Peter, though he can't spell it right. He think's he's a doctor. This guy really needs help.
I gotta frying pan around here somewhere.
leeckert pats his pockets and searches the floor where he is standing.
Maybe you could hit yourself in the head with that? Might take a couple of whacks, but it should work. Heavy cast iron, you know.
Motokid
New Member
Hey leckert....**** the therapy man....if you want, we should go "JANE" hunting...I hear she has a "kat" too...and they are lurking about, hiding in places dark and shadowy....what say we get a couple-a cases of beer, hoss our deep fryers into our trucks along with some guns, ammo, and a few playboy magazines and see if we can get our limit on a few Canadians...???
As long as you're questioning your sanity you've got no need for shrinks dude...it's the ones that think they're fine that have the problems....let's skee-daddle out here...we'll write up our own phd's for brain doctoring, declare ourselves perfectly sane, and go find some hot chicks to cavort with....
Sound like a winner? Deep fried and all.....
As long as you're questioning your sanity you've got no need for shrinks dude...it's the ones that think they're fine that have the problems....let's skee-daddle out here...we'll write up our own phd's for brain doctoring, declare ourselves perfectly sane, and go find some hot chicks to cavort with....
Sound like a winner? Deep fried and all.....
direstraits
Well-Known Member
There aren't enough hours in a bloody day.
ds
ds
novella
Active Member
Novella emerges from closet.
Is this Group? Sorry I'm late. I'm shy today . . . I have a good idea: I'll be in charge. Doctor Smirky is indisposed, definitely. Last time I saw him. I mean, which wasn't recently or anything. He's tied up right now.
Well, I don't like to make snap judgments, but you look like a bunch of weirdos.
Turn in your weapons and take your seats please. I'm going to pass around a bowl of nuts. This is a simple test. It's a trap for people who pick out all the cashews. Ha ha. Just kidding. No really, some of them are poison.
Letch, put down that banana, it's a member of the group.
Why are we here? Well, I can see you all have major problems, not least of which is bad taste in clothes. What's with all the camo and plaid? Are we getting a discount at the Redneck Superstore?
Problems, people. Who wants to go first?
Is this Group? Sorry I'm late. I'm shy today . . . I have a good idea: I'll be in charge. Doctor Smirky is indisposed, definitely. Last time I saw him. I mean, which wasn't recently or anything. He's tied up right now.
Well, I don't like to make snap judgments, but you look like a bunch of weirdos.
Turn in your weapons and take your seats please. I'm going to pass around a bowl of nuts. This is a simple test. It's a trap for people who pick out all the cashews. Ha ha. Just kidding. No really, some of them are poison.
Letch, put down that banana, it's a member of the group.
Why are we here? Well, I can see you all have major problems, not least of which is bad taste in clothes. What's with all the camo and plaid? Are we getting a discount at the Redneck Superstore?
Problems, people. Who wants to go first?
sirmyk
New Member
Dr. Smirky: Seriously people, the sign on the door does not read "THE RAPIST"; It reads "THERAPIST". And Leckert, stop leaving me voicemails. I am not into carribou... or rabbits... or sheep... or Canadians... And Novella, you're a day late on payment; please slide it under the door. Thank you for your time. I'll be gone for the rest of the week.
leckert
New Member
leckert opens the door to read the name from the right side...
dude.
he gathers his belongings, puts the banana back on the couch (sorry about those teeth marks, DS...
) and pats the Novel Lady on the head as he leaves.
It's been fun, y'all. I'm goin' to Canada!
COME ON, MOTO!
YEE-HAW!
Can we stop by the Bad Ass coffee place on the way?
dude.
he gathers his belongings, puts the banana back on the couch (sorry about those teeth marks, DS...
) and pats the Novel Lady on the head as he leaves.It's been fun, y'all. I'm goin' to Canada!
COME ON, MOTO!
YEE-HAW!
Can we stop by the Bad Ass coffee place on the way?
novella
Active Member
Hi Doc,
Those guys went to Canada. No, that's not a metaphor. Do you think they're honeymooning in Niagra Falls? How tacky. Or maybe it's hip in a gay-retro type way. Hmm.
Anyway, I need some advice. I'm not a very good housekeeper. I fired my maid because she kept touching my stuff. Well, the thing is, how do you tell good mold from bad mold? And how do you tell good bugs from bad bugs? It seems wrong to just indiscriminately kill all these living things just because they're yucky. My refrigerator is like that ecosystem on Scientific American Frontiers, where all the people live in the bubble in the desert and they can't get FedEx or anything. That's what my fridge is like, except you can make a delivery. You just open the door and put something in there. But don't move anything around too much. You just don't know what will upset the balance of life forms, though. It gives me a headache to realize what's going on in there, even partially.
I want to be New Age but I hate thinking. So what are the choices? If I was just sitting there pretending to meditate but really thinking about clothes, do you think the guru guy would know?
This couch is very comfortable. Do you have a television in here?
Those guys went to Canada. No, that's not a metaphor. Do you think they're honeymooning in Niagra Falls? How tacky. Or maybe it's hip in a gay-retro type way. Hmm.
Anyway, I need some advice. I'm not a very good housekeeper. I fired my maid because she kept touching my stuff. Well, the thing is, how do you tell good mold from bad mold? And how do you tell good bugs from bad bugs? It seems wrong to just indiscriminately kill all these living things just because they're yucky. My refrigerator is like that ecosystem on Scientific American Frontiers, where all the people live in the bubble in the desert and they can't get FedEx or anything. That's what my fridge is like, except you can make a delivery. You just open the door and put something in there. But don't move anything around too much. You just don't know what will upset the balance of life forms, though. It gives me a headache to realize what's going on in there, even partially.
I want to be New Age but I hate thinking. So what are the choices? If I was just sitting there pretending to meditate but really thinking about clothes, do you think the guru guy would know?
This couch is very comfortable. Do you have a television in here?
novella
Active Member
DS: Hello Novella. I hope you have money today.
N: Sure thing. I have a big roll of cash today, see?
audible drooling
N: Damn, doc, your tongue is really long. I can see your taste buds. Are you a Kiss fan? Anyway, my dad, he's a real bastard. He was in the nabe, he said, yeah right. He spies on me. So he stopped by and gave me some tide-me-over dough. Then I bought these boots at Bendel's, do you like 'em? I'm so glad he has a lot of extra money, even though he's a sonofabitch perv bastard most of the time and a total criminal and stuff and says mean things to me. I actually hate him. I mean, I could shoot him right in the head sometimes. But don't tell him that. Anyway, he wouldn't give a shit, as long as I'm a size 4.
DS: What mean things does he say, Novella?
N: The dadder? Oh, like he's going to pull my fingernails out if I don't get a decent haircut. He locked me in my room for two days once and had someone bring me smoked salmon sandwiches constantly. I hate smoked salmon. Once he paid me 300 bucks to lose eight pounds because he said my thigh was bulging out of this pencil skirt? I was like, no, it's not. That's a bone, asshole.
DS: And what did you do?
N: Whatever. I just drank Benedryl every day and slept for a month. It was easy. I lost 15 pounds, so he gave me 500, as a bonus. He says I'm a perfect waste. That's his idea of a compliment.
DS: So how much extra money does your father actually have?
N: Um. You don't want to know the details, believe me.
DS: So, you owe me for last time, and this time.
N: My dad said I should always ask for a cash discount because you probably won't pay your taxes. Say, 20 percent?
DS: Done.
N: Sure thing. I have a big roll of cash today, see?
audible drooling
N: Damn, doc, your tongue is really long. I can see your taste buds. Are you a Kiss fan? Anyway, my dad, he's a real bastard. He was in the nabe, he said, yeah right. He spies on me. So he stopped by and gave me some tide-me-over dough. Then I bought these boots at Bendel's, do you like 'em? I'm so glad he has a lot of extra money, even though he's a sonofabitch perv bastard most of the time and a total criminal and stuff and says mean things to me. I actually hate him. I mean, I could shoot him right in the head sometimes. But don't tell him that. Anyway, he wouldn't give a shit, as long as I'm a size 4.
DS: What mean things does he say, Novella?
N: The dadder? Oh, like he's going to pull my fingernails out if I don't get a decent haircut. He locked me in my room for two days once and had someone bring me smoked salmon sandwiches constantly. I hate smoked salmon. Once he paid me 300 bucks to lose eight pounds because he said my thigh was bulging out of this pencil skirt? I was like, no, it's not. That's a bone, asshole.
DS: And what did you do?
N: Whatever. I just drank Benedryl every day and slept for a month. It was easy. I lost 15 pounds, so he gave me 500, as a bonus. He says I'm a perfect waste. That's his idea of a compliment.
DS: So how much extra money does your father actually have?
N: Um. You don't want to know the details, believe me.
DS: So, you owe me for last time, and this time.
N: My dad said I should always ask for a cash discount because you probably won't pay your taxes. Say, 20 percent?
DS: Done.
novella
Active Member
N: Hi Doc. It's me Novella.
DS: Yes, I can see that. You were just here. We're done for today.
N: But I had an idea, so I ran back to talk to you about it.
DS: Well . . . I have to be somewhere . . . shifts uncomfortably
N: It'll just take a few. Relax. I mean it.
DS: Okay. What is it? rolls eyes
N: Well, I decided what to do with my life. I want to be a therapist like you. Isn't that great? I mean, I know I would be really good at it. You just sit there in your chair and look pissed off, right? It's not exactly rocket surgery.
DS: Actually there's a lot more to it than that . . . smirks
N: Oh, you mean the drugs and stuff? I can handle. No prob. Anyway, remember, I did take over that session for you and really straightened some of those weirdos out. They didn't come back ever again, right? I knew it. They were cured in just one session.
DS: Well, actually, you want them to come back. At least for a while.
N: Ohhhh..... I get it. So you can make more money. Hmmm. You're not as dumb as my father said. I'll have to think about that. Anyway, got to run. Meeting mumsy at Georgette Klinger to see her new face. Kiss kiss. Soooo happy sooo happy. Wait till she hears of my career.
DS: Yes, I can see that. You were just here. We're done for today.
N: But I had an idea, so I ran back to talk to you about it.
DS: Well . . . I have to be somewhere . . . shifts uncomfortably
N: It'll just take a few. Relax. I mean it.
DS: Okay. What is it? rolls eyes
N: Well, I decided what to do with my life. I want to be a therapist like you. Isn't that great? I mean, I know I would be really good at it. You just sit there in your chair and look pissed off, right? It's not exactly rocket surgery.
DS: Actually there's a lot more to it than that . . . smirks
N: Oh, you mean the drugs and stuff? I can handle. No prob. Anyway, remember, I did take over that session for you and really straightened some of those weirdos out. They didn't come back ever again, right? I knew it. They were cured in just one session.
DS: Well, actually, you want them to come back. At least for a while.
N: Ohhhh..... I get it. So you can make more money. Hmmm. You're not as dumb as my father said. I'll have to think about that. Anyway, got to run. Meeting mumsy at Georgette Klinger to see her new face. Kiss kiss. Soooo happy sooo happy. Wait till she hears of my career.
leckert
New Member
October 27th, 2005
Dr. SirMyk,
Canada is here. Wish you were great.
Found some pink bunny fur in a tree. Weird.
Is that novel lady still bugging you? Moto got an application
from her for an Air PhD in Psycho-something-or-other. It is
currently under review. It got a mustard stain on it, though.
They don't have sandwiches here like they do in the
States. I'm bummed. We did get some Bad Ass coffee though.
Pretty good stuff. We made the turnpike in an hour!
I saw a moose! Man, I thought caribou were sexy...
I should have packed my long johns, though. It's colder
than a January flagpole up here.
Oh, BTW, my check is in the mail.
Moto says "Hi".
I like your couch.
Sincerely,
leckert
P.S. I'm hungry
novella
Active Member
Novella: (feet up on Doc's desk) Oh, doc, there you are. I hope you don't mind. I saw this letter from Letch and I opened it. That boy has a rich fantasy life. The postmark is Trenton, New Jersey, but he's on and on about Canada. Thinks he fell in love with a moose. Well, in Trenton that's entirely possible, you know. Imagine tryin' to get your arms around a moose. And they don't have lips, do they? God, a moose's eye is as big as a croquet ball, and each nostril is like a huge tunnel. Wow, he's really out there.
Doc: Novella, you really should sit over here on the sofa and have some respect for my privacy. That letter is confidential. See, right on the front: CONFIDENTIAL.
N: I thought that was a sign it would be juicy. I couldn't resist.
D: Why are you back? We don't have an appointment today.
N: Well, the person who had the appointment, that nut in the waiting room? Well, I told her that a plane crashed on the Empire State Building. She ran outside. It was just a joke, but it kinda freed things up for me.
D: You've intentionally caused my patient psychic pain, Novella. That was very cruel.
N: Hey, shit happens, Doc. I'm used to it. What I do is, for every bad thing, I think of something worse and then I think of something nice right away. It's like cold-freezing-hot. So, like take if I find out I have a bad disease like, I don't know, multiple scortosis. I think of all the really sick people who have no doctors and have flies landing in their eyes, then I think of swimming in the ocean on a hot day. It really works great, for like five minutes at least. Imagine living in a country where stuff is blowing up all the time? That must suck.
D: What bad things have happened to you lately?
N: If I told you, it would just remind me, and that wouldn't make me feel better. What kind of doctor are you, any way?
Doc: Novella, you really should sit over here on the sofa and have some respect for my privacy. That letter is confidential. See, right on the front: CONFIDENTIAL.
N: I thought that was a sign it would be juicy. I couldn't resist.
D: Why are you back? We don't have an appointment today.
N: Well, the person who had the appointment, that nut in the waiting room? Well, I told her that a plane crashed on the Empire State Building. She ran outside. It was just a joke, but it kinda freed things up for me.
D: You've intentionally caused my patient psychic pain, Novella. That was very cruel.
N: Hey, shit happens, Doc. I'm used to it. What I do is, for every bad thing, I think of something worse and then I think of something nice right away. It's like cold-freezing-hot. So, like take if I find out I have a bad disease like, I don't know, multiple scortosis. I think of all the really sick people who have no doctors and have flies landing in their eyes, then I think of swimming in the ocean on a hot day. It really works great, for like five minutes at least. Imagine living in a country where stuff is blowing up all the time? That must suck.
D: What bad things have happened to you lately?
N: If I told you, it would just remind me, and that wouldn't make me feel better. What kind of doctor are you, any way?